How often do you think about dying?
- Thread starter iloverachel
- Start date
I think about it most times when I stop doing something which occupies my mind. I think about it when I’m driving on my own. I think about it when I go to bed at night. I think about it when I’m tired and I let down my guard. I think about it when I’m on my own or watching tv. I think about it in between lessons. I think about it when I’m cooking in the kitchen or taking a shower. I think about it every time I drive over or under a bridge. Can’t count how many times a day. Way to many.
Sometimes I feel OK and I can go many hours without thinking about it. But sometimes I find it hard to think about anything else. It fills my thoughts like a dark fog weaving itself into all my thoughts so that there is nothing that doesn’t lead me back to it.
When it is worst is when the fear and stress keeps me awake. I begin to drift off but then my unconscious mind takes over and the nightmares start and jolt me back to full consciousness. I stay like that the whole night, in a vicious cycle only able to control things when my conscious mind can hold things together but so tired that I start to drift off and then I am jolted by the nightmares before I get to actual sleep. When it is like that I feel like death would be a relief.
When it is worst is when the fear and stress keeps me awake. I begin to drift off but then my unconscious mind takes over and the nightmares start and jolt me back to full consciousness. I stay like that the whole night, in a vicious cycle only able to control things when my conscious mind can hold things together but so tired that I start to drift off and then I am jolted by the nightmares before I get to actual sleep. When it is like that I feel like death would be a relief.
I don't count it but I think way more than 3 times. I really cannot say how often rather for how long. 3-4 hours a day I think. And this is chronically. Every day. In the past it already was way more like 24/7 for 3 years. I know it sounds extreme.
I am at the moment in a good period and I think roundabout 3 hours about it. Especially in the evening.
Though I am glad I currently do not dream about it. I had crazy vivid nightmares also caused by my medication.
I am at the moment in a good period and I think roundabout 3 hours about it. Especially in the evening.
Though I am glad I currently do not dream about it. I had crazy vivid nightmares also caused by my medication.
Oddly it does still cross my mind, but more in a ponderous way, what will it be like, will I feel like I have had enough life, what do I want to get done before then...
ILoveRachel, this life an be tough, and we can think about dying, I used to think about it and want it countless times, it was like a mantra throughout my waking life "Can I die yet", but things can change, not the world around us so much, but our understanding of it, the way we address it, the way we interact with and see the world around us, and sometimes 1 or 2 key changes, a single true a valuable friend, a lover, a family member, a promotion, 1 key little piece in your life can be a lifeboat to make it all seem ok, to let you rebuild yourself and face the world anew, able to do the things you have longed for, or at least some of them.
Lament the world as it is if you wish, but never stop looking for a way to fix it, in practical terms, and in yourself. Often the way to correct real world problems is to change some small part of ourselves or realise a truth and make ourselves interact with the world in a new and more effective way, to make things how we want them and want them how they are.
ILoveRachel, this life an be tough, and we can think about dying, I used to think about it and want it countless times, it was like a mantra throughout my waking life "Can I die yet", but things can change, not the world around us so much, but our understanding of it, the way we address it, the way we interact with and see the world around us, and sometimes 1 or 2 key changes, a single true a valuable friend, a lover, a family member, a promotion, 1 key little piece in your life can be a lifeboat to make it all seem ok, to let you rebuild yourself and face the world anew, able to do the things you have longed for, or at least some of them.
Lament the world as it is if you wish, but never stop looking for a way to fix it, in practical terms, and in yourself. Often the way to correct real world problems is to change some small part of ourselves or realise a truth and make ourselves interact with the world in a new and more effective way, to make things how we want them and want them how they are.
I just didn't wake up one day and decide I want to die today. It took years of dealing with social anxiety, depression, living in a alcoholic home with a bi polar mother. Not having the support or mentoring I needed to finish high school or continue playing baseball. Many negative factors contributed to my depression, self esteem, suicidal thoughts ect. I'm sure many can relate life did not deal us the best hand and has kicked our asses. All I can do is try everyday to be the best person I can be forgive myself and my past, not make excuses and own my shit. Even with all the lessons I have learned the knowledge and wisdom I have attained in life. Still means nothing and is no help, when I lose all hope and want to die.
I've been thinking about it a lot.
on and off for almost 18 years of my life. (Well, technically 17 years, so far, but 18 as of this upcoming April)
Every time I find myself having a bad day, or a bad couple of days, my thoughts start to drift back to the day I ALMOST committed suicide and the events therein that triggered it.
Lots of times, I have a tendency to think about what has been and I ask myself: "Where would I be now, had things happened differently from the way they have?"
My mind constantly dwells on what has been and all the probable and possible ways things could have been, would have been and (in my personal opinion) what I think should have been.
Starting with the most obvious...
If I took my own life, either yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, or perhaps even years ago, I wouldn't be here right now, posting this, wouldn't I?
on and off for almost 18 years of my life. (Well, technically 17 years, so far, but 18 as of this upcoming April)
Every time I find myself having a bad day, or a bad couple of days, my thoughts start to drift back to the day I ALMOST committed suicide and the events therein that triggered it.
Lots of times, I have a tendency to think about what has been and I ask myself: "Where would I be now, had things happened differently from the way they have?"
My mind constantly dwells on what has been and all the probable and possible ways things could have been, would have been and (in my personal opinion) what I think should have been.
Starting with the most obvious...
If I took my own life, either yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, or perhaps even years ago, I wouldn't be here right now, posting this, wouldn't I?