I was 8 years old. 39 now, I wanted to die so much at 8. My mom was a teacher. She had an 8 year old student dying from bone cancer. I was jealous of him. I prayed to God that he would give me the cancer and take it from the boy. I wanted to die that much. The boy died from cancer. I stopped praying and believing in God. I hated myself for a lot of reasons and still do. I have thought about suicide from that age on. It never ends. I think about it every day without fail. I hated myself for being gay, socially awkward with no friends, and for not being smart as I failed at a lot of things. I regret having people rely on me for things now and not ending my life when I was young. I still want to die.
How old were you when you first thought about suicide
- Thread starter Paulw3pain
- Start date
About 8 years old. I had a happy childhood so I dont know why it came up randomly, was just a phase for like a month then I never thought about it again until I was a teenager. For some reason I was convinced my life would be bad when I grew up despite having no reason to think so and I told my friends that when I grew up I was going to do one method or another to kill myself (wont be graphic). Funny how I was right about my life all along
I... don’t remember. I thought of self harm first at around 11. I think I felt pressure to always be a good friend but my family life was all over the place and just being the stepchild of a fireman made me remember my place. I was always going to have to save myself. This was also around the time I started seeing suicide portrayed in art as cool and beautiful and the dissonance between a two hour movie or a dying artist’s notion of what to do with a teddy bear and then later knowing the agony of losing a beautiful friend after she came home from war was enough. Throughout all of this each year someone in my town made the news by ending their own life, tragically, perhaps some of the ideology was pressure to be a success story in a working middle class town surrounded by these other towns with extreme wealth, we had just enough and nearby everything was so protected it was practically the past. It’s weird with suicidal thoughts. I’m sorry if you have them too.
Thank you @case.no.87 that means a lot to me.
I'm sorry you had such a difficult life & upbringing growing up. Having not had very much the same, or similar experience, I cannot feel your pain in this exact same way. All I can say, is, as I said "I'm sorry for you," for what you've had to go through. And yes, I agree that it is easy (especially in 'Art,') to romanticize the very concept, thought or notion of suicide as something worth clinging to... but then, as you say, sometimes life & reality will do a very fine job of smacking us right in the face with a very fine example of why or how this is, or just should not be - so.
I was very young when I first thought about it. I went through some stuff and when I found out how disgusting what I was being told to do was I didn't want live with that feeling. I managed to suppress it and have a really good life for a while there for a long while before remembering it again and making everything worse.
I honestly don't know how old I was - just that I was a kid (probably less than 11) and that it sort of snuck up on me. Early thoughts weren't about how to die exactly, more about being fascinated with the idea of it. And then I sort of ended up thinking about it more - and how etc. Sort of like a research project that I can't really finish unless I actually go through with it so it sits there in my head, irritatingly incomplete.