How one person can ruin your life.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cosmic_ghost, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. cosmic_ghost

    cosmic_ghost New Member

    6 years we were inseperable. We had a healthy baby girl, and 2 years later she left me for my childhood friend. A guy who lived with me at times, we grew up together.

    My only other good friend back then was pushed away by her during our relationship, he moved away and died. He was the nicest person.

    To make their relationship work both of them decided I must be the enemy, or else what they did was a mistake. To see my daughter through all these years I had to deal with them while they learned new ways to hate me. If I was showed any kindness, even being around too much would cause trouble in their relationship. This lasted 5 years.

    When they split up she was living with her mother, who was losing their house. So they moved in with me for a few months, her and her mother, and her new child fathered by my old friend. We had barely been on talking terms since we split up, I put up with her just to help their family so my daughter would have a better life. While staying with me she became friends with my cousin, they talked for a long time online but they eventually started going out at night together as "friends". Whatever happened with that .. she ended up moving out while her mother stayed (who I get along with well). This was a short thing with my cousin, less than a week. But because of this he just glares at me on Christmas and other holidays, the only time I see him. I have a good family, even though family holidays were not my favorite things, they were safe and peaceful. Now if he is around its uncomfortable and negative. I can't even explain to my grandmother why we don't get along. The whole thing makes me sick.

    It was ok for a few years. We were able to stay out of each others lives and work out schooling and responsibilities for our child who has grown up very well, and is the happiest 2nd grade girl you could ever meet.

    My ex found a new guy this year. He was a nice guy, they were both happy and got very serious. We used to have a thing, everyone would come over on saturdays and hang out. They both started coming over too, everyone got along.. the past was the past. I thought she matured so much.

    Now my only other good friend left has been going through a divorce. He's been coming to my house after work when he's had problems, he's been sleeping here on the couch. He talks to me with problems. I slept at his house when I initially split with her. At the same time, my ex split up with her boyfriend. She's been depressed and looking for someone to talk to. So on Saturdays they started talking more. On Friday they went into town, and didn't come back for 3 hours. They went on a long drive to talk.

    I thought this was ok. I could understand their similar situations and they needed to talk. Then over the weekend they go out of their way to leave their kids with others, and spend full days together (I found this out later). When he came over on saturday he couldnt look me in the eye. I asked her if they were going places, she said "no, just talking". I asked him and he nervously told me they were.. he was scared, anxious, and shameful. He was shaking and couldnt talk to me.

    The only person left in the world I trusted she won over. She has fucked me over in every aspect of my life. What little trust I had in anyone is gone. It's not jealousy at all I hope you understand. It's her constant infiltration into my relationships with people. Even with friends, if you can't trust them you have nothing.

    Over the last 3 years I am not doing well. After her I had a handful of relationships, but now I can't meet new people, I don't work, I don't go out. I look like a drug addict from being underweight and lifelong anemia and malnutrition. I look like shit. Nobody can see beyond that in new relationships, you don't want to bring people who look like me into your lives. Maintaining what friendships I had left was important to me, and I can't do that anymore. Once the trust is gone there is nothing. I don't know what's going to happen, if this is just round 2 of picking up my daughter and seeing the only person I ever loved with my next best friend.

    My saturdays are gone, the only time people came over. I have nobody left except my daughter. But I can't take care of her if I can't take care of myself. I can't even think about her without crying right now. If I was healthy I could overcome this. But I'm not. My life is a cruel joke right now, Im sure many read this and laugh. Like it's just boohoo relationship drama, but it's not. The only people I have in my life will push me aside and torture me for their own interests. It sounds like something that happens in a trailer park in some hillbilly town. That's not the case at all, all of this is insane to me. It makes my physically sick.

    Right now all I can do is sleep. I don't think I will ever leave my house again, I don't want to see anyone, I don't know if I can come out of it. I'm not just down in mood, everything is so fucked up. I was just coming out of a major depression. I have willpower like you wouldnt believe, I had a good childhood to adult life, I don't live a in a depressive state. Even when I'm down I'm trying, I don't dwell in it. But now what. I have nothing to hold me up anymore, I can't deal with my health issues, I can't deal with my mental state, and I can't deal with my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2014
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to take one step at a time.
    Get yourself to the doctors', sort out the health issues and get a healthy diet going; doc may also suggest anti-depressants for a bit.
    As to the ex, stay out of her life as much as possible, difficult I know with a kid, but she has brought nothing but misery, so keeping contact down to the minimum would be a shrewd move.
    At the moment you can see no ray of light, but once you feel healthier and get the depression under control, other things won't seem impossible.
    If and when you do make new friends, DON'T introduce them to your ex, the girl is man bloody mad!
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I agree with what Terry said. I was reading your post with such admiration for how you were not overcome with bitterness toward her in years past. What a good person you are. Please,be good to yourself and get yourself the medical attention you need and deserve.

    Please do try antidepressats,counselling, whatever it takes to get back as much strength as you can. Because you deserve that. You are a good person. I am sorry your ex stole so much from you. And I am glad you have a wonderful daughter. Please reach out for medical help.As much as possible. And as much emotional support as possible. Glad you have reached out here. Please keep doing that. okay? hopefully more frequently if you want :hug: You are a good person. ( okay, I just realized i said that three times)
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2014
  4. cosmic_ghost

    cosmic_ghost New Member

    I don't have insurance. I may get a card through the new system but it's a mess, I did apply.

    Even if/when I get it. In this state I can't get things moving. It's been a year since I quit my business. I was doing well and it was growing, I could sustain on it. But it got easy, and boring. Almost a year of doing nothing. All I do is read and watch the world go by. I keep up on science discoveries and theoretical physics like a religion. Discovering what we are living in makes me feel peaceful. I listen/watch to podcasts instead of social interaction. Just listening to conversations I feel like I know them better than people in real life.

    I also browsed through DSM IV I got online, and I researched everything that was interesting either for my life experience, or because of people I know. Counseling is a nightmare for me. It's like going to a hooker for loneliness. I tried once but I ended up just trying to pry at his motivations for the direction of discussion rather than thinking about myself. I was more interested in what he thought of me based on what I said. I could not even slightly open up. I didn't have a single insightful moment, where as if I am alone and reading into a specific area that I am troubled with.. I can see another piece of the puzzle. And on the other hand, you have to consider that what we know and have written down about the subject is still very primitive and often vague and highly subjective.

    When I was a young teen, I had severe mono that kept me down for months. For some reason, my general doctor was able to prescribe me zoloft because I wasn't leaving my bed for so long. They thought it was just depression. Mono in severe cases can affect the liver, and zoloft is processed by the liver. I think that even in the low dosage I was given, it was too strong and accumulating and making me worse. I never felt better on it and I think this has caused some of my lifelong trouble. I started hiding the pills and putting them down the side of my bed. After all that I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, which seems to come back all my life when I get down. I got very severe food poisoning about 5 years later and had labwork and my liver enzyme levels were off, but they attributed that to food poisening, and after IV fluids I felt better.

    I also get severe migraines, since before getting mono, that are mostly food triggered. If I don't eat healthy and Im stressed I get a migraine that lasts anywhere from a night to several days. I tried a couple generations of medicine for this but hated them. They just made me feel worse in different ways. I learned to put myself in a meditative coma and just deal with them. I found drinking soda helps because of the caffeine and massive amounts of sugar, then I prepare with food and water near me, and a garbage bag in case I puke when I have to go to the bathroom, and I crawl into bed and just slow everything down. When I come out of it, and recover through the next day.. its like a reset button. That's why I don't dwell in depression like most because my body will punish me for it, my situation is just bad, not my chemical balance. I am reacting the way I should be for the situation, depression puts you uncomfortably close to reality so you can make changes to survive. And I understand the evil side of it, that can make everything seem hopeless and pointless. And how you can get stuck in it at a physical level. But most of life has been learning, and putting my ego aside. I think those thoughts, and I can reasonably think them through and see how correct they are or not, or block out what I cant deal with at the moment.

    But through this, and my social anxiety, and probably severe aspergers (yes defunct term), I managed to live a full life. I was attractive to girls from very early till my mid 20's, where my health really started catching up with me. I have a good family, a little weird but good, and not poor but mid level working class. I have been able to see and experience so much. And in my own weird way, which is the hard part. I was part of every scene I could be. I went to shows, parties, raves, was in a band, events. I had a lot of freedom and took advantage of it. I traveled around alone which was like skydiving. Just seeing what happened. I went to burning man alone, an event with 30k people. Had a wonderful time, met a girl that I learned so much from. I left the lantern out every night, and she would come in to my RV and we would talk till the sun came up, and we would sleep the desert heat away. She pulled me into events, introduced me to artists I knew of from their work published online, met people from all over the world.

    But I fall apart, and everyone takes advantage of me, the people I speak of are still very attractive. They have their genetic currency and I devalue them. Even my friend got a little awkward with me in public, he was ashamed to be with me in some situations. And you may think that is shallow, as do I, but it's a natural instinct. But he was a good friend. He kept pushing me to join a science lab he was apart of, he respected me as a person, and valued my opinions and insight. And I'm not a monster or anything, I'm just underweight with dark eyes, I look like a meth head which this area has a problem with. So I deal with the stigma of a lifestyle I would even in my lowest state never consider.

    I learned 3D cad over the last month and was creating things to make. I have his $10k machine in my garage, thats the level of trust we were at. And that was my immediate plan and function. To put my time into creating things people like. But because of his fractured state over his divorce, jumping into a new relationship with a girl from work that ended bad, and my ex's relationship problems... it was just like a storm that happened. Everyone else I know is tied to both of them.

    At this point, this late, with what my body is, even trying to start from scratch is not a venture anyone would back. It takes me so long to open up to people. I have a dumb look and a dumb persona to match. I try to be very limited in speaking and I keep things simple. Only when I trust someone can I speak with any depth at all. But at the same time, I do think a simple life is best.. not to be so deep, not understand that we are stardust, and the scale and our place in the universe. I can't meet people online. I type too much, I don't communicate with people often even in text. So I'm bad at it. I can write a story well, but I can't talk about myself or converse unless someone knows me already. I'm too honest and say all the wrong things.

    There are no roads in sight for me, I know because I have been trying. No friends, the girls are gone, there is no joy when I'm alone which is most of my time. My daughter is all I have, I'm the one she talks to as she's learning about the world. I'm aware of my weaknesses and make sure not to pass them on to her. That's part of what getting over experiences are, learning and passing on knowledge so the next generation benefits. I don't want her to see me fall apart and get worse, I don't want that to be her memory of me. She only sees brief moments of my sadness, when my face goes expressionless and I can't participate in the venture she has in mind at that moment. But those moments will only invade more and more now that everything left is gone. Saturday was her day too, everyone brought their kids, they had more fun that the adults. That's gone.

    I appreciate the comments. Right now I'm not even typing clearly, 3am.. i slept 2 hours last night, then most the day in 3 sessions. Ate nothing but some granola bars not because I don't want food, but everything I have needs prepared, and dishes washed. What a joke Ive become.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2014