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How should I feel? (long post XP)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by pither, Oct 3, 2009.

  1. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    About three months ago I met a fella on this very site. Right away you could tell we had "something". Neither one of us was looking for a relationship at the time but we just had too much in common to pass up at least being good friends. So, we talked. Everyday for hours at a time for three straight months until finally last week he came up from a different state to meet me in person. We had thought it would be love at first sight, we had hoped it would be the answer to our depression and loneliness. It wasn't.

    At first I thought it was me, that something was wrong with me or that I just wasn't good looking enough or I was obnoxious. Be that I have little to no self esteem it was natural for me to jump to those conclusions. As his visit continued I began to get more and more depressed- feeling that as soon as he left I would crash worse than I had ever done before. But about half way through I realized I wasn't in love with him, that he wasn't going to work for me-

    So, if I don't love him, why does this hurt so much? Is it that I am disappointed I'm not "in love"? Is it that I'm mourning for what I thought it would be? Should I be depressed? Should I let this effect me as much as it is? I thought I had found him, THE him. And now I'm back to square one. Alone again.

    I miss him already- I wish he was here with me again. We may not have been soul mates, but he was the first person to take my hand while we walk side by side and hold me while we watched a movie on the couch. I feel like I'll never find anyone again, like he was my only chance. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, like I'm unlovable. How am I supposed to feel?
  2. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    There's no rule book dictating how you're "supposed to feel." Let the feelings come, but for your own sanity, try not to be enveloped by them. A good distraction might help you, even if it only relieves those feelings momentarily. Write down your thoughts if that helps - anything; from the excitement you had built up, to the let down, etc.

    As for wondering why you're hurting so much... you had high expectations, and they were dashed. It happens to all of us at least one time in our lives. Next time, try to have realistic expectations, or better yet, go into future situations with none at all. Be present in the moment without thinking of what may happen (it takes practice, don't rush).

    But give yourself credit for putting yourself out there. For talking with someone so openly, and forming a bond, however short-lived.

    You might even be feeling worse had you two never had a face to face meeting. You'd always be asking, "What if?"
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I agree... had I not taken back my ex-girlfriend, even after her second breakup, then travelled to the US to meet her (only to be immediately deported for some ridiculous, bureaucratic reasons), then taken her back again for one last time after yet another of her breakups, I probably would've been haunted by the thought "what if". Now I know that she would just end up being unfaithful to me, in the end... so those thoughts will now never haunt me.

    Not quite the same situation, but still.

    Sorry he wasn't the one.... I'm still waiting for my true love, as well.
  4. Zoe

    Zoe Well-Known Member

    Can you not still be friends?

    All the things you share in common are still there, those nice times haven't been erased because you turned out not to be soul mates.

    Besides, I think it takes time and trust to love someone.

    I would continue to nurture the friendship if you still can, we all need all the friends we can get.
  5. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    lower your standards when you spend too much time alone you drift into the dream land of limitless standards, your view becomes skewed. feel it all feel what you wish, its your life
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    maybe he is the one.
  7. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i kinda know how you feel. maybe.

    i broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years because of my depression. now i miss him so much and regret leaving him. of course he moved on, has a new gf of a month..who he loves.

    where in pa are you? i live in nj, 15 minutes from philly. i don't really meet too much people from the area.

    if you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open. :hug:
  8. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean and I had though about that too. I wanted to not expect anything at all and that way I wouldn't end up feeling so crappy if it didn't work the way I hoped. But I wasn't being careful and now I'm just dealing with the after math-
  9. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things didn't work out for you- I'm sure it's been a lot tougher for ya than it is for me though >__>

    It just sucks to be alone- I was so used to it for so long and now that I know what it's like to have somebody around it makes me feel even worse.

    I live about 45 minutes away from Philly =]

    and the same goes for you if ya ever need someone to listen- :hug:
  10. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    *sigh* He isn't. It just doesn't fit in so many ways.
  11. papertiger

    papertiger Member

    I was in a similar situation. I've had a long-term online close friendship with someone and we were both so close we admitted we were starting to crush on each other. He came by to visit while he was passing through on a trip and as we hung out, I just didn't feel any chemistry. It was nice to be with him but I didn't feel anything more than friendship.
    I value him as a friend, but after being a failed relationships where I knew it wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't about to enter another one.

    I felt disappointed really, I guess we always hope to find that special person but it's better to be truthful than force something that's not there. It's normal to feel that way because you let yourself hope, and it's always painful when reality doesn't live up to the idea. That's why I strongly feel people should meet in person before putting so much of themselves into something.

    Also it's more missing having the companionship than the person themselves. It's just nice having someone there that cares about you and to do things with, but don't give up hope. That's just the low self esteem most of us suffer from, we have to keep up hope that there will be other opportunities. At least you gave it a chance so there won't be regret later on.
  12. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    I think your just sad, cause like you said, you were probably expecting it all to work out and to turn into love, even if it was just sub-conciously, and in the end it didnt, so your blaming yourself and doubting yourself because of it. You can still be great friends with him, I mean, you still have a lot in common, dont let this hurt your friendship. I wouldnt be so hard on yourself either... cheer up, you will find someone (i know, a ton of others would say this too and im sure uve heard it a ton b4, but it's true). Look at the positives though, you've made a great friend. Sure it didnt turn into something, that'd be like icing on the cake... the cake still tastes good without it tho (bad analogy im thinking... ummmmmm cake.....). I mean, when you meet new people, and it goes on this path again, just dont put so many expectations on it or hopes. Just think of it as tho your making a great friend, and have it like a surprise if it turns into something more. All i mean is just dont get discouraged or let down if it doesnt work out... i wont always.