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How should I react and help?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ASDFanonymous, Oct 22, 2014.

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  1. ASDFanonymous

    ASDFanonymous New Member


    This post is not really about me but my girlfriend. She had a childhood without any love from her parents, being an unwanted child in a rather poor family who has always been expected to be the best at literally everything she did with countless limitations about what she could do and what she could not do.. for example no birthday parties or inviting any friends to her house. Additionally she's had traumatic experience when she was small, with a neighbor (drunk at that time) who has tried to drive her over with his tractor (a psychologist could not help back then). This is not the full story but that is not the important part about this case.

    We are having a far-distance relationship for more than 2 years already and live in different countries with different domestic languages (We communicate in English though) and she now has set herself a date on which she wants to kill herself if she does not obtain a driving license by then (We are both 21 years old). This self-destructive behavior is quite 'normal' with her because since her childhood and during the past 2.5 years I could always see what goals she sets herself and (usually) achieves. Typically those are set extremely high. For example being the best at all her courses at university which was already a problem in the last year when she said she would do something bad to herself if she would not pass a course with a good grade.

    However, the problem with the driving license is that she simply has no money to do any further attempts to do the test for it (in her country they pay for every try and the supervisors let people fail even if they did fine). Beyond this, things are actually getting better in her life, but that does not motivate her to change her mind about this 'date'. I have tried everything I can think of, from offering her money to do further attempts (which she denies out of pride) to trying to make her visit a psychologist who could try to let her deal with 'failures' more easily (as she has been programmed to succeed in her childhood..).

    If anyone has an idea how I could motivate her to accept money from me or do anything else do attempt to fight these suicidal thoughts please let me know.. She refuses to do any TRY to stop it..

    Thank you in advance for the support and the help
  2. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hey you.
    Well, I know the situation she is in really good, since it sounds almost exactly like my story. The problem here is that there's this really strong will to be the best against this something inside that tells you to punish yourself in any way if you fail (it doesn't have to seem to her like there is something inside her telling her to punish herself, it can also be stomach aches and anything like that which are caused by failure because her mind knows her parents would want her to be better and things like that).
    Setting up a date to kill oneself if something doesn't change or isn't achieved by then is something I did too. In my case the aim was achieved just a few weeks before the date I had set (it was a year here). I hope she achieves her aim as well because if I were her I wouldn't drop the date as long as the goal wasn't achieved. I think she's a smart person. Smart people like being told that they're smart. You could try to change her mind saying something that makes her think about her idea rationally. And you could tell her that a lot of suicide attempts fail and that this is in most cases just awful for the person attempting because some methods leave scars, some make you throw up so much you feel like your organs must be somewhere out there already, some can make you disabled (for example when you break your back, but even breaking your arm is an experience one doesn't need to ever have), ... I think it would have helped me if someone had been honest and had told me something like that. Just some ideas.
    That one has to pay for trying to make the driving licence is usual here. It's so goddamn expensive and yeah, most of the instructors let you fail at least once before handing you the driving licence just because they want to make money with everyone even if this person might be a better driver than the supervisors. Do you have any chance to meet her before that date she set? If so, it would be good to do so because she could really need a hug and a feeling of being safe. Maybe even that would help her making up her mind about this stupid idea to kill herself if she doesn't get a driving licence by then.

    I hope I can help. If you have any questions you can ask of course, some of my sentences might be too long to get or so '^^ In my language, you can write sentences that are longer than a page and you would still get them because of these "," but in English there's like almost none of them.

    Anyway, I hope that helps you any.

    - Cooki
  3. ASDFanonymous

    ASDFanonymous New Member

    Thank you very much for the reply.
    I try to meet her as soon as possible but for the next couple of days I have exams and besides this she pumps herself full with work. Going to try my best to apply any of what you suggested, although I am not sure doing this without meeting face-to-face is the best idea.
  4. ASDFanonymous

    ASDFanonymous New Member

    Things got better in her life but she still tears herself up on being jealous about me... I am "better" because of my nationality and a few abilities (english language and as already mentioned a driving license) that she sees as extremely important. This is not understandable to me as there are many things she is better at than me, but I failed making this clear to her.

    We still love each other and I am not sure what would happen if I break up with her.. but would this be an option? Would the jealousy fade away? Her love for me does not seem to be enough to not be "jealous" about such idiotic things..
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