How soon will next time be?

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Sometimes it seems like just a matter of time until my next attempt. The situation that caused me to choose to end my life, remains and is unchangeable (grieving the death of my wife and wanting to join her).
The few family and friend that were my support, seem to be more interested in chastising me for inflicting pain and worry on them, and the effects my suicide would have on my nieces and nephews. I get reprimanded for not "reaching out" to them. When I told them before that I was having "wicked mood swings", it was blamed on the weather, while I think it might have been an opportunity to ask me what's really going on. I think there were numerous times where I indicated how dark things were getting or that my depression was worse.
One sister (bi-polar) was told by her doc to avoid me, as she was in a fragile state, and any stress from me could send her back to the hospital. The same sis and bro-in-law obtained my house keys (from the police), and searched my home, removing all my meds, including fish-oil caps and Vitamin D and taking a journal and providing recent pages to the nurse practitioner on my ward. He in turn used them to question me, catch me in an inconsistency and label me "deceitful". I was 2 or 3 days into full crisis, and my journal is where I dumped/vented some feelings and they didn't have to be consistent for me. The same sis and bro-in-law told me that their trust would have to be earned again. I suppose they don't consider that I might have some trust issues with them, too. The same nurse practitioner made sure that I was aware, that my family members were provided information on how to get me a 96 hour hold, if they felt I was a danger to myself or another. Am I really expected to confide in them, with that hanging over me?
So in answer to my own question, probably the next time the stars align. Oh, and if my sis and bro-in-law knew the contents of my other journals, they would find quite a few suicidal musings and some concrete ideations.

The song for today is "Feels Like Rain" by Buddy Guy and Bonnie Raitt
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Hi Lefty,
Sorry you're going through such a rough time. People can have such a tough time understanding what we're going through. I know what it's like to have a journal read. It's probably the single most violating thing that can happen to a person. I can't write anything down anymore because my mother used to read my journal when I was younger.

As much as the hospital stinks (been there 3 times for a total of almost 2 months), I hope you were able to rest and work through some things. (((HUGS)))


Well-Known Member
Thank you for responding.

As far as rest, there were 15-minute bed checks all day and night.
I was supposed to be issued only 1 small towel for showering, as I was a suicide risk.
There were a few helpful group meetings, but probably half involved crayons, or learning to sing "King of the Road" or play "On the Road Again" on these one note xylophone blocks. That and some motion exercises- stretches, bends, twists, deep breathing.

I just feel that it would have been more useful to help us recognize a crisis early, what to do when one starts, and how to live with a mental illness.

But I did get in some good talks with a therapist, one of the nurses and even the nurse practitioner.Maybe its just me, but I require numerous talks, sometimes some reading material, and a lot of time to work.out.

I feel like I've gained more here in the few days I've been here.

(((HUGS back)))
Oh yes! The first hospitalization I had to go to classes on schizophrenia (which I didn't have). The second hospital had classes that were ok, but no one was in even close to the situation I was, and the dreaded art classes. lol.

One on one should be more than one random time a day. KWIM? The one thing that helped me A LOT, though, was ECT. It has a terrible stigma, but it was that or commit suicide, so I tried it and it worked wonders. It was like pushing a reset button on my brain that allowed me to begin healing. I would do it again in a heartbeat if it was offered.


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Being in that much pain, is such an alone journey, no matter who is around. Your sister sharing with you what her physician said was unkind, and was something she did not take responsiblity sad! I wish I could do more than say how sorry I am that you are going through this, but know I am a good listener (really reader because this is cyber) and my PM box is always open...hugs to you too and wishing it could be one in surely deserve it!

As a PS, I am struck with how much you loved your wife. How fortunate she was to have you! Loving that deeply is truly a gift. My dear friend who died 20 years ago and I had that type of love. I miss him everyday, but I know he would want me to live on in his memory. He was an extraordinary physical therapist who worked magic with the most involved children. He and I would treat our clients, leaning back to back on each other ...and sing children's songs...I still cry softly when I sing, "If you're happy and you know it"...because I am so sad I lost him!
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I continue to be amazed how those around here get it.

The truth is we were both blessed to have each other, just being with her made me a better man.
Do you know the sweet love of a couple of pre-schoolers, holding hands ? Catching each other looking from the corners of their eyes and having an unstoppable grin? That was us. And we had the shy 7th grade crush, the middle teens infatuation, the young adult's passion and romance, all those loves, even the elderly couple looking after each other. I think we covered every kind of love, except the long term, 40 year old love.
We packed a lot of love into the years we had. Sometimes we would admit that we had the love that the great poets wrote about The true good stuff.
If I were given the choice to continue single, but without any great sorrow, or to have had our love and then such deep grief, there would be no hesitation, and I would be confident I made the right choice.
The grief is so deep because the gift was so great.
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