Sometimes it seems like just a matter of time until my next attempt. The situation that caused me to choose to end my life, remains and is unchangeable (grieving the death of my wife and wanting to join her).
The few family and friend that were my support, seem to be more interested in chastising me for inflicting pain and worry on them, and the effects my suicide would have on my nieces and nephews. I get reprimanded for not "reaching out" to them. When I told them before that I was having "wicked mood swings", it was blamed on the weather, while I think it might have been an opportunity to ask me what's really going on. I think there were numerous times where I indicated how dark things were getting or that my depression was worse.
One sister (bi-polar) was told by her doc to avoid me, as she was in a fragile state, and any stress from me could send her back to the hospital. The same sis and bro-in-law obtained my house keys (from the police), and searched my home, removing all my meds, including fish-oil caps and Vitamin D and taking a journal and providing recent pages to the nurse practitioner on my ward. He in turn used them to question me, catch me in an inconsistency and label me "deceitful". I was 2 or 3 days into full crisis, and my journal is where I dumped/vented some feelings and they didn't have to be consistent for me. The same sis and bro-in-law told me that their trust would have to be earned again. I suppose they don't consider that I might have some trust issues with them, too. The same nurse practitioner made sure that I was aware, that my family members were provided information on how to get me a 96 hour hold, if they felt I was a danger to myself or another. Am I really expected to confide in them, with that hanging over me?
So in answer to my own question, probably the next time the stars align. Oh, and if my sis and bro-in-law knew the contents of my other journals, they would find quite a few suicidal musings and some concrete ideations.
The song for today is "Feels Like Rain" by Buddy Guy and Bonnie Raitt
The few family and friend that were my support, seem to be more interested in chastising me for inflicting pain and worry on them, and the effects my suicide would have on my nieces and nephews. I get reprimanded for not "reaching out" to them. When I told them before that I was having "wicked mood swings", it was blamed on the weather, while I think it might have been an opportunity to ask me what's really going on. I think there were numerous times where I indicated how dark things were getting or that my depression was worse.
One sister (bi-polar) was told by her doc to avoid me, as she was in a fragile state, and any stress from me could send her back to the hospital. The same sis and bro-in-law obtained my house keys (from the police), and searched my home, removing all my meds, including fish-oil caps and Vitamin D and taking a journal and providing recent pages to the nurse practitioner on my ward. He in turn used them to question me, catch me in an inconsistency and label me "deceitful". I was 2 or 3 days into full crisis, and my journal is where I dumped/vented some feelings and they didn't have to be consistent for me. The same sis and bro-in-law told me that their trust would have to be earned again. I suppose they don't consider that I might have some trust issues with them, too. The same nurse practitioner made sure that I was aware, that my family members were provided information on how to get me a 96 hour hold, if they felt I was a danger to myself or another. Am I really expected to confide in them, with that hanging over me?
So in answer to my own question, probably the next time the stars align. Oh, and if my sis and bro-in-law knew the contents of my other journals, they would find quite a few suicidal musings and some concrete ideations.
The song for today is "Feels Like Rain" by Buddy Guy and Bonnie Raitt
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