How strange it is to come back here after all this time

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by limm, Feb 14, 2016.

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  1. limm

    limm Member

    I was here a few years ago during my last attempt after a severe breakdown. Life seems to have been an extended episode of denial ever since. I read somewhere that people with chronic depression view it as a part of their identity. They either see themselves as depressed people with temporary periods of happiness or generally happy people with sporadic bout of (intense) depression. But they are never whole, and I suppose, neither am I.

    For a few years, I have picked myself up and made so much out of my life. I got a high paying job in one of the greatest cities in the world, enrolled in one of the most prestigious part-time master programs in my field, fell in love with an amazing person. You name it. From the outside, I seem to have it all going for me. And for the longest time, it's all about the outside. I was too afraid to face my inner demon, so I drown myself in 100-hour work week with formulaic human interaction to reassure everyone that I am okay. But just after one relapse, everything comes crashing down.

    Truth be told, I resent so much the life I have, a life built upon no sense of self-worth and a constant struggle to keep everyone else happy. And in their narratives, it's always "we never expect anything from you". Bullshit! Why do you keep judging me then? Why, in all of your passing remarks, is there a pointed tone of accusation if I don't turn out the way you expect me to be?

    Sure, go ahead. Carry on, talk about your perfect son and brother to the neighbors. Be happily in love with your caring boyfriend. But why are you all mad at me when he isn't here today?
  2. limm

    limm Member


    I grew up in fierce competition, in a place where and among friends to whom life was pretty much zero-sum. But I am not competitive. I feel like shit when I win because I never think I deserve it. And I feel like shit when I don't, because it's yet another assuring fact that I am worthless. Sometimes I want to compete with myself to become a better person. But I feel like it never works, just like when you multiply zero with whatever else. It always goes back to being zero.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, it's never easy when the 'outside you' doesn't coincide with the one on the inside. Especially when people don't seem to understand you.
    Have you had any counselling? It might be a good idea for you to help your self-worth along.

    There is no shame in needing a bit of help, even if you on the outside seem to 'have it all'. don't let the views of others control you.
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