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how supportive is your significant other when it comes to your mental health?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by dissolve., Mar 2, 2018.

  1. dissolve.

    dissolve. nomad

    i haven't found a thread like this, forgive me if i haven't noticed it, but i'd like to hear your thoughts and experiences. how does your depression/anxiety/mental health affect your relationship with your significant other? how supportive are they on bad days, do you talk about it? i've always considered this to be something that needs to be discussed with someone you're that close with, because i feel like (at least in my case), my depression and anxiety shut me down sometimes and i can leave the wrong impression. what's your experience? how important is it for you that your significant other understands and supports you?
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  2. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    I only wish mine was supportive but it’s more a case of him saying I’m constantly negative or miserable. Or, take some more tablets or have a lie down. Just useless shit that’s of no help at all. If I have a good day then I get - feeling better now? I’ll be interested to see other responses. I think if some folk can’t see a bandage they can’t see an illness.
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  3. dissolve.

    dissolve. nomad

    i totally agree with the "no bandage - no illness", that is soo true... kudos to you for putting up with a situation like that, i don't think i'd be able to be with someone that would just brush it off like that. maybe someone would say i'm needy, but i think wanted us or not our depression/anxiety/other things is a part of who we are..
  4. Not very supportive at all. In fact, he often makes things more difficult on me. But it's still my responsibility to take control of myself and learn to not react to situations I don't have to react to. So if nothing else, I get plenty of practice! ;)
  5. MarkahMalady

    MarkahMalady Well-Known Member

    My ex used to baby me so much, I didn't grow or improve at all in the 10 years we were together. It was some codependent bullshit.
    My husband holds me to a VERY high behavioral standard, I've grown so much as a person thanks to him. The best thing for me was to just be expected to behave normally, and to pretty much be ignored if I'm freaking out. For him on the other hand, I have to be very sensitive and thoughtful. NOT something that comes naturally :D
    Anyway one of the first things my husband and I really "bonded" over was talking about depression. We're both clinically depressed and PTSD, I'm bipolar, he's OCD and ADD. Long histories of ineffective medications. :/
    It would be hard to get close to and identify with people that didn't have some kind of issues I think.
  6. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    My wife was incredibly supportive. And really really good at knowing when I needed her help (or sometimes needed her to take care of stuff for me), and when I just needed some encouragement to be able to handle things on my own.

    Like, sometimes, the stress of dealing with other people would get so bad that I’d need her to literally speak for me. And she knew when to do this without me having to tell her. She’d see the anxiety getting the better of me, and she’d give my hand or my shoulder a little squeeze, which I knew meant “don’t worry babe, I got this” and she’d take over for me. And she’d do it so smoothly that no one but us noticed. And she could tell when my mind had settled and she could back off and let me speak for myself again.

    She just understood me in a way I’ve never experienced with anyone but her. It was incredible. She pretty much always knew what I needed from her, be it advice or encouragement or, usually, just a hug. I almost never had to ask for those things.

    It probably helped that we’d known each other for almost a decade, and become each other’s closest friend, before we got together. So she knew exactly what she was getting into and she’d had plenty of time to learn all of my little behavioral habits and quirks.

    I don’t mean to make her out to be perfect, she had her flaws like anyone else. But lack of empathy and kindness were never among them. I wish everyone here had someone like her in their lives.
  7. drinty

    drinty I'd rather be a Cat.

    It's taken 18months for my lovely SO to start to understand my mental health, it's taken me about the same to understand his drinking habit :) he finds it hard when I can't explain why I'm upset or down...sometimes I don't know. He's seen me with and without medication and knows I need it to regulate my moods, I'm not actually a psychotic cow for no reason haha. So yeah he's pretty supportive I think :D
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  8. LonelyHiker

    LonelyHiker Waitering for Godot

    My exes couldn't deal with it and left...I guess I can't really blame them.
  9. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    It depends. My wife is more effed up that I am so I'm the one that has to "be there" all the time. Pretty much daily. I don't get to be messed up or fail or be depressed or crappy. I can't even be in a bad mood.

    But, if something happens situationally - a death or something like that then I'm allowed to have a minute to be a pooper and she won't act like a flake. She'll maintain for a minute while I have a second to flail around.
  10. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    My husband is really supportive when it comes to the practical side of things. He keeps track of my appointments and takes time off of work to make sure I get there. I haven't worked since last May and he hasn't complained about the lack of income or pressured me into going back. He helps out more with the kids and around the house and does all of the grocery shopping as I struggle to go out.

    He is hyper vigilant which is alternately reassuring and annoying.

    But he can't/won't talk about things. He asks me repeatedly every day if I'm OK but I can't tell him if I'm not as the look of panic on his face makes me feel even worse. I long to talk to him about what's going on in my head. I wish he'd ask me more questions rather than just a yes/no 'are you ok?'. After my appointments we just get in the car and silently drive home but I want him to ask about what we talked about, how I'm feeling etc...

    I feel I can't talk to him about my mental health which is probably stupid. It's like the elephant in the room. I don't know if he's waiting for me to start, he's probably as scared as I am. But neither of us know how to do this.
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  11. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Yes I can relate to all that has been said here. My husband is supportive but how we react to situations is completely opposite...i am passive by nature and will do all I can to avoid confrontation and he is a more impulsive reactive type...and so sometimes is hard to share with him how I am really feeling but also know that he is there supporting me even if he may not always express it in the way I am ready to hear it if that makes any sense...
  12. He chastises me each time I utter “can I talk to you? He nor our kids care, in fact their abusive treatment towards me for no reason at all has pushed me to this cliff. I see my same psych doc every two months for years and sadly he’s said my only option would be temporary shelter housing. Well my husband sold my car, took out payday loans online using my name and info so I can’t have a bank account in my name. This one still mystifies me...I cannot get a drivers license renewal! How did that happen? Then he added a”not like I’d let you drive my car anyway, so who gives a fuck”. I herniated a disc in my neck in 2001 and had to go on disability while fighting workers comp to pay for the operation. So I’m unemployable. I get no access to my lousy monthly check, he gives me no money...I am the most alive **un-person** ever! I truly have no hope...nothing will ever get better for this god forsaken hell hole im buried in...but I will never take my own life! Two reasons, my sister chose to end hers and I witnessed the devastation to our parents and secondly I would never give that man the satisfaction of knowing he finally broke me.
  13. dissolve.

    dissolve. nomad

    Your situation seems pretty serious. It's not about your partner not being supportive, but about being abusive. Maybe you should consider talking to a friend or a family member about the situation and take the steps needed to get yourself out of it. Not just yourself, but your children, too. Children learn by their models, which is why the may be treating you the way your husband is. Take care and do consider reaching out to somebody.
  14. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    If you leave you take your check with you, @insideabrokenbox You can figure out the debt later. File bankruptcy, it's worth it. No need to live this horrible miserable existence with a prick of a man who is abusive.
    dissolve. likes this.
  15. Sevven

    Sevven Well-Known Member

    I'm reading all these responses thinking about my situation and it's this wad of ups and downs, terrific and terrifying, real and imagined that I know so well, but don't know how to sum it up.
    He is open about having seen great potential in me and, knowing I was on the edge of my grave, deciding to "save me." I've grown A LOT because of him, but he's pretty severe so it comes with its pitfalls. I don't like how hard he is on me so I withdraw and gets upset. Sometimes we're just two people occupying the same space. Sometimes we do nothing but fight. Sometimes it's a fucking hobo fairy tale.
    Shades of what MarkahMalady said. Supportive, but tough.
  16. alessana

    alessana Member

    My partner isnt compassionate or empathetic to my mental health issues. It's a burden for him, which I attribute to his lack of understanding since he has perfect mental health, unlike me. I hide it as best as I can, whenever I'm not feeling ok. He makes me want to heal myself as much as I can, even though I can't turn to him for help with that. I feel that if I give up on our relationship and start blaming him for not being supportive, it'll still be bad with any other people because I feel that the problem lies within me, which needs to be healed.
  17. ysidroxxx

    ysidroxxx Well-Known Member

    Not really. She just says relax and go to the doctor.