How the mighty have fallen...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citizen Insane, May 30, 2014.

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  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey lads, don't really know in which other (sub-)forum I should post this...

    But there is a situation going on, where I'm about to lose a lot and gain nothing good any more. I just feel like I'm about to have very little to no freedom left.

    I was picking up my life after the psychosis in 2007 and 2010. Was born with autism (PDD-NOS) and all of that. Got good medication that actually works now. It's not making me feel happy, but I can live my life at least. I'm outside of my house 5 days a week, socializing with friends & going to appointments etc. I'm very close to getting a volunteer job even, thanks to one of my friends I met. In my last thread I did describe how I was looking for new options & activities, both indoor & outdoor.

    To help me get back on track somewhat.

    Anyways, the situation is a complex one. My mother, I feel, is only after my freedom now. After a long series of very disturbing e-mails, text messages and phone calls... I don't see in any way how I can trust my mother ever again.

    It's not that I hate her, I just think she's really developing an illness... mentally most likely. She's so obsessed with me and my life all of a sudden. I don't think a day goes by without another e-mail from her about me and my life.

    In the end I had to block her e-mail address a couple of days ago. Because my mind does not need this kind of mental sewage from another person.

    What she said the last time I spoke to her on the phone was: "You are crazy, you belong in a crazy house (directly translated from my language, Dutch), they should lock you up." And... "Just because you have autism doesn't mean that you can't have a good life. There are many people with autism who have a good life."

    I think what's going on is... she's forgetting how bad the psychosis was for me and the after effects of that. She's forgetting how suicidal I was in 2010, 4 years ago. Of course I'm not my diagnosis, but the past has shaped my brain quite a bit. The anxiety is still there. The events that traumatized me, still haunt me now and then.

    She has been talking to one of my mental health workers behind my back, discussing my freedom and wether I'm capable of making decisions.

    I live with my father (parents divorced a long time ago), but he's outside the country now, he'll return in a week or so.

    I'm like 100% sure that I'm not psychotic or even close to being psychotic at the moment. I would know, after having it twice for a long period of time... psycho-education, been in therapy since I was 12 so.

    Just have no clue right now... Don't know who I can trust besides my father and my therapist/psychologist.

    It's like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something. Or area 51. :(

    Am I going ... crazy like my mom is saying or is there something else going on...?

    Am I about to lose my freedom, will I be put in a mental hospital for the rest of my life?

  2. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    My first name is Kenneth by the way, most people call me Ken in chat... anyways here is one of the dozens of emails my mom sends me daily, translated from Dutch:

    - "Kenneth, you live like a giant parasite, leaning on others, instead of being useful, living independant for yourself and building up to be an adult.

    Your father still does everything for you, be ashamed of yourself.

    You are extremely lazy, you know you have good qualities and you have to develop those.

    Autism does not mean you have to stuff yourself with food al day long and play games like a sad person.

    It's bizar how you have headaches when you have to exercise at the gym, but not when you eat or play games you don't have those headaches.""

    I just... don't want to translate everything she said, but these parts ... maybe now you understand why I had to block her email address. Starting since this email.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You did the right thing to block her emails - and I hope you stop taking calls. You do not need that in your life. I would remind your mental health worker about your right to privacy and make certain you never signed anything to allow them to discuss you with her (is possible you did a long time ago?) If so, rescind that permission and just stay clear of her until such a time as you feel like you want to re-establish contact - when and if that happens.

    You are not psychotic- I do not believe it for a moment that you are a danger to anybody else or yourself based on the considerable number of times I have talked to you in chat so there is no possible basis for them to lock you up - they need to prove you are incompetent and I do not believe based on anything you have said her or in chat they could do that. The only person with a real mental issue right now that needs being watched is your mother. While that is sad- it is not your problem and I really hope you carry on dealing with your own remaining issues like all of us have and do not let her issues become yours.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    sorry to hear this. im sure she is trying to help in her own way. maybe you could go together to see a therapist and see each others point of view.
  5. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks a lot guys... I was very anxious for a moment, while I was writing this thread. :eek: Then I talked to my dad on the phone and to people in chat. My dad is good to me though... My feelings are all over the place you know, one second I'm numb emotionally,..and sometimes I feel all sorts of emotions (from anxiety to tension).

    NYJMaster. =) Yes, I probably gave my mental health worker(s) permission to discuss my treatment with my parents and general doctor or something. I'll have to talk to my psychologist and psychiatrist next week (appointment is already planned). Thanks for your concern Ben, and your wise words... it gives me a bit of relief from this tension. Yes, I do have a disorder, but I'm not all those things my mom tells me I am.

    Words are just words, I suppose... though if you hear them almost every day then, I guess I started to doubt myself a bit..

    Jxdama, thanks man, you're probably right... many times talking to my mother I tried to make her less worried about me and tried to calm her down etcetera. We will go to the psychiatrist next Friday (next week) together. I'll let you guys know how it went. :)
  6. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    NYJ put it well. My inbox is always open CI. Be gentle with yourself.
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