for most of my life, i feel so depressed that i can't do anything. occasionally, i get really motivated to do things, until something goes wrong and i fall back down. i just want to know how i can move on...i just graduated from college and my transcript reflects an equal number of impressive semesters where despite wanting to die everyday i got things done, with bad semesters where i stopped caring. i ended with a bad one. i don't know how i'm going to be able to convince anyone that they should hire me, i feel like i'm just going to sit around for the rest of my life trying to make myself feel good enough to try to fix my life. i feel guilty that i'm never going to be able to do anything without falling into another depressive/suicidal slump, which keeps me from being independent. sometimes, i wish i could tell my therapist about how much i want to die, but i'm afraid that if i do it i'll lose my right to buy a gun so i'd eventually have to settle for doing something worse. i don't know....sometimes i feel amazing but i feel like that's a temporary feeling that just isn't possible to hold. i'm sick of always feeling like i will never be able to compete with everyone else because they are "better" than me. if anyone bothered to read this and understood what i said, and has words of wisdom i'd love to hear it.