how to be functional for longer?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DD2012, Jan 4, 2012.

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  1. DD2012

    DD2012 New Member

    for most of my life, i feel so depressed that i can't do anything. occasionally, i get really motivated to do things, until something goes wrong and i fall back down. i just want to know how i can move on...i just graduated from college and my transcript reflects an equal number of impressive semesters where despite wanting to die everyday i got things done, with bad semesters where i stopped caring. i ended with a bad one. i don't know how i'm going to be able to convince anyone that they should hire me, i feel like i'm just going to sit around for the rest of my life trying to make myself feel good enough to try to fix my life. i feel guilty that i'm never going to be able to do anything without falling into another depressive/suicidal slump, which keeps me from being independent. sometimes, i wish i could tell my therapist about how much i want to die, but i'm afraid that if i do it i'll lose my right to buy a gun so i'd eventually have to settle for doing something worse. i don't know....sometimes i feel amazing but i feel like that's a temporary feeling that just isn't possible to hold. i'm sick of always feeling like i will never be able to compete with everyone else because they are "better" than me. if anyone bothered to read this and understood what i said, and has words of wisdom i'd love to hear it.
  2. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure that I have any words of wisdom for you, but I wanted you to know that someone is listening.

    My transcript is a bit of a mess too, but nobody asked to see it until it came time to verify my credentials (I am a medical professional), and at that point, I already had the job. I think all most places are interested in is the fact that you earned your degree. Reminds me of a joke I once heard: What do you call the med student who finishes last in his class?....Doctor. You finished your degree - that's a huge accomplishment, especially with the struggles you persevered through! That is something that nobody, and no depression, can take away.

    I also know what you mean about wanting to keep certain things to yourself as sort of an insurance policy. But telling your therapist you want to die isn't the same as saying you are "going to do it, and here's how..." . I do not own a gun, but nobody has ever made any legal gestures toward preventing me from doing so. But I think somewhere you realize that suicide isn't really the answer and you probably shouldn't have one just for your own safety. Your therapist can't help you if you're not honest about how you're really feeling. The therapist can help you work through your self-destructive thoughts and impulses and help you move beyond them. But he/she has to know that they're there in order to do that.

    Do you have a psychiatrist? Medication may be helpful, especially with recurrent depression as you have described. This isn't your fault, any more than you having multiple colds or the flu is your fault. You can feel better with the right help.
  3. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    I get the same way all the time myself, I feel like I can do anything and then the 'bottom' falls out from under me so to speak. And I suddenly can't do anything at all, or I screw everything up and can't do anything. I don't really have any 'words of wisdom' because the fact is I can never get out of this myself no matter how hard I've tried(meds, years of therapy, programs, girlfriends(not 'love' mind you as Ive never been able to feel that), and even moving across the country) everything failed, well I failed at everything. Anyway I just wanted you to know you're not alone which can be helpful or so I'm told.
  4. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    i wish i had your courage and motivation to move forward in life . like dragon fly said it is a great accomplishment i think everyone on this forum will like to be like you , strong , courageous , and motivated . just because you had one bad semester isn't going to affect you that much , if i read correctly you have good grades right? and this is the only semester you did bad right? so that's pretty good, no one is perfect . people will just look that you went to college and graduated so don't get discouraged.
  5. DD2012

    DD2012 New Member

    thanks for the replies, i'm honestly a little surprised that anyone bothered to respond. i don't know if anyone can relate to this, but i'm sick of feeling temporary success but knowing in the back of my head that something will come to cut me back down. even when i'm succesful, by the end of the night i feel reminded that nothing really changed. i feel completely exhausted, alone, misunderstood, and fed up with having to face society on its own terms. the only thing keeping me from killing myself is uncertainty about what will happen after i die. i don't really want to fade into eternity, but sometimes it seems appealing. what's the point of making myself get up every day if eventually me and everyone i know will end up spending eternity unconscious with no thoughts? i feel really frustrated that i had to be born, i wish i just never existed. humans and life sucks.
  6. shub11

    shub11 Banned Member

    Dude everyone apart from hot chicks is suffering from some kind of uncertainty the best thing would be to get some decent job some decent girl in your life and a bunch of good friends. Spend your money wisely, avoid debt and extravagant expense and don't try to keep up with the Joans .
    .find a. Purpose in your life and I am sure u will live a good life. Last but not the least don't make others rich at your expense .....I meant your medics. your wish
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    College Resume Tip #2: Only put your GPA on a resume if it is above 3.0 otherwise do not mention unless asked. Worked for me, I got a job despite only having a 2.5 GPA.

    Anyway, you need a job and you need to do well at that job. That is how I have gotten by. Just do your job and do it well and people will leave you alone and you can be functional. That is all I can really say.
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