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How to break up at age 58

Discussion in 'Later in Life and Seniors' started by cymbele, Dec 29, 2017.

  1. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Been seeing a guy for 9 months. One or two days a week. He told me he loved me at month 3. He told me he wanted to marry me at month 6. I tried to break up at month 7 on these issues and he said he was willing to wait for me to come around. This weekend he wants to stay over NYE and I don't want him to. I have a spare bedroom and i don't think he means that. The notion of him staying over caused me such an anxiety attack i called the therapist. i like my mornings alone now. He is retired on SSDI and I usually have to pay for activities. my friends say I never see them and he doesn't want to share me with anyone so we are usually alone together. Maybe it is because he has few friends and those he does have live far away and he is always meeting new people.

    But he is such a caring guy and loves God and nature like I do. He has been helpful in helping me survive on my own -like shoveling my driveway when I am at work and fixing the snowblower w/o me asking him to. He doesn't have to be a carbon copy of me either.

    But I won't be upset at breaking up like he would be and I think that is telling. Maybe it is because I already know that the relationship is dead.

    Breaking up means I would have to be back in the dating scene again. Either that or back to being incredibly lonely. At my age I just want a companion I think. And that is telling. And this issue is going to come up with any guy. So maybe I am just going to be alone in my life. Maybe I should count my blessings that I have loved (my ex hubby) and that I am desired (current bf) and leave it at that.
    I tried writing out the words of the breakup and failed. I am scared stiff. Other than the month 7 attempt at breaking up it has been over 35 years since i dated as I was married for 30 years. I know that this forum is not for that and that breaking up is hard at any age but i would appreciate any advice.
    lonelyfool likes this.
  2. brightlight

    brightlight SF Supporter

    It's the "I think' bit of your post that is telling, are you scared of intimacy or a sexual relationship ? Scared to love and be loved, scared of commitment?
    You can always explain that you need your own space in the mornings, people adjust to each other.
    It leaves an unanswered question, you are with him 9 months, something has you going back for more, it's obvious that you like him and he said he loves you, how deep does your like go? Do you love him, leaving any fears aside. How do you feel when you are in his company and when you are expecting to be in his company. What is your feelings telling you, not your head, and certainly not your friends who should be happy for you
    Dawn likes this.
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Hello Cymbele! I'm 55 (somewhat close to your age). My advice is to invest more quality time in creating a trusting, intimate relationship with yourself first. It's obvious that you've been through so much in your life. Be kind to yourself...you've made it this far. You've taken care of yourself and kept yourself safe. You deserve to get to a place where you love yourself so much that you won't allow yourself to remain in situations that really frighten you and make you anxious. It doesn't matter why a certain person rattles you and doesn't make you feel safe and secure. All that matters is that they do have that affect upon you so you need to create space between yourself and that person.

    In other words, my second piece of advice is to kindly and respectfully inform your friend that you don't feel right about having them over for NYE. It is possible to break up with someone in a loving and compassionate way. You can still be there for your friend in many different ways in the future, but you owe that person the dignity of being told the truth. If you truly respect that person and consider them to be a good friend, perpetuating a lie will only lead to bad things, not good. The respectful thing to do is to be authentic and honest about your feelings. It might be uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term your honesty can pave the way for a new relationship that is based on trust and mutual respect. Good luck-LT
  4. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I don't love him like giddy "I always want to be with you". I like him. But i get anxious when seeing him because of his un-ending reminder that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. (He's 58 btw). I don't like sex (he feels guilty about not satisfying me but I don't get aroused by him.) I may never like sex as I did with my exhubby -when i was young that is. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. I think since this is my first relationship after my marriage ended 10 years ago it is a learning experience. And he got caught up. I keep going back because I (1) don't know why I don't love him and (2) I was unsuccessful breaking up with him in month 7. I think I am scared of being in love and the commitment. But I don't love him. Not in the traditional sense.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such an uncomfortable position with somebody that having some type of relationship with has benefits too. I Can't say of course what you should do, nobody else can- but I would suggest sharing the above with him. That you are more inclined to take a step back as opposed to getting deeper involved, even to point of been considering if you should see other people as well because a this point you are not sure you want a romantic /marriage type of relationship at all, but feel quite certain if it does ever happen it will not be with him because you just cannot see it going in that direction and do not want to give him the impression or for him to continue believing the idea that further waiting or patience might result in that; you feel it has been plenty of time for you to know what you want from him now.

    In my opinion if you say that or whatever parts of that that are a true and accurate understanding of your feelings (with any other things that may apply), you have done your part in making it clear and are not taking advantage and then can continue to see him or not sometimes or not at all, for whatever activities you choose or not, and do whatever else you like without any further concern. You are not leading him on or anything like that, but it allows you to decide on a day by day, event by event basis what you do or do not want to do with him (or anybody else). Be clear if he is okay on those terms great, you do appreciate the company and friendship on occasion, but if you start feeling pressured or uncomfortable it likely will result in losing as a companion as well. Then he can choose under the same terms day by day, event by event , and based on whether he wants to let you have the time you need for other friends or not, if he wants to continue. Basically clearly and unequivocally make clear he is friend zoned and that is the end of it. He can accept it or not.

    There is nothing wrong at all with insisting that a relationship you are involved is on terms you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with having companionship and not wanting more. And there is nothing wrong with that changing , or not changing, over time. Bottom line, 9 months is NOT a long time whatever he may believe and your comfort needs to come first. A relationship only has value so long as you are getting what you want or need from it. That is not selfish- it is reality. Anybody worth being in any form of friendship or relationship with will want it to be on terms that make you feel better not worse as well. So far as worrying about fear of attachments/ fear of replacing somebody else or not being able to, etc. - those are things you need to work out on your own terms and time table as well, so it really does not change anything in my opinion. I hope you find a way to not be lonely and also to live on your own terms- do not sacrifice one part of yourself for sake of another. Ultimately you probably know what is right so go with it- it is what is right for you right now if nothing else, and that is the best anybody can do. Allow yourself to do what you believe to be right and without regret.
    texaskitty likes this.
  6. brightlight

    brightlight SF Supporter

    I would agree with jmpMster, many years ago when I was married I "tried" to break up numerous times, but didn't or couldn't, I knew I was going to cause more hurt than I had already caused, but my own mental health ( I was suicidal) had to take precedence, there was no easy way, we all hurt a bit and we all healed after.
  7. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I don't think I can add anything more to the excellent advice you have already been given, I just wanted to leave a note of support.

    You matter, your feelings matter and if you are uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to be.

    Take care and keep us posted.

    Hugs, Angie
    lonelyfool likes this.