how to continue? need your advise

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by RestlessSpirit, Sep 14, 2010.

  1. RestlessSpirit

    RestlessSpirit New Member

    Hi everybody.

    I am new in this forum and hope you can help me or give me some good advises. Perhaps some of you made similar experiences.

    Nearly 2 years ago I came together with my girlfriend who is afflicted with a borderline syndrom which manifests mostly in deep depressions and in cutting herself. Moreover coming with the depressions she sometimes has death wishes and cannot see any sense in her being on earth.

    She directly told me that when we came together and I have to admit that I have never been in contact or dealt with those matters. So I don't really know in which way I realised it. Aswell she already tried 2 times to kill herself, but this has been before I met her and before she get her 2 kids.

    I think mostly her depressions get back to her hard childhood. Her mother and her father have been divorced quite soon and her mother, at which she stayed, didn't treat her well. When her mother married again my girlfriend was more a nanny or housewife than really a daughter to her mother. And if this wouldn't be enough she has been sexual abused by her stepfather. She reported an offence to the police but his penalty was more than absurd.

    The abuse lies approximately 15 years back but this has been the time her depressions and her death thoughts really took overhand. And since then she barely sleeps 2-3 hours a night in case she is really lucky and is mostly afflicted by nightmares.

    The main reason why she didn't try to kill herself in the last 10 years are because her kids need her, but deep inside she still feels misplaced in this world.

    This all so that you can perhaps better understand the circumstances.

    As mentioned before I get known to and came together with her about 2 years ago. Nevertheless after all the things she told me. She is really a fascinating and lovable person. Whe share the same kind of humour and I would just say fit together. So I fell really soon in love with her.

    At first she had big problems to accept and build up some feelings for me, because she closed up all her feelings behind walls and masks so that no one could hurt her anymore. But after a time I think she fell in love to me as well even if she says doesn't really know what it feels like, because the never really loved someone. But she feels herself safe, secure and well in my presence and told me that I am the most important thing in the world for her and that I am her anchor to this world.

    She really means hell of a lot to me and I try everything to help and support her where I can. When I'm with her I cook for her, clean her kitchen because I know how it gets her down when she sees her messy kitchen, hold her in my arms and do everything else which I hope makes her feel better. But all in all I have the feeling that I just make the world a little bit bearable for her.

    In the beginning of our relation when whe had the butterflies in our stomaches we talked over all this as well. She let me as well read her book in which she writes down all her thoughts to get rid of them. It really frightend and shocked my to read it. Read how all the sadness and hopeless fills her out. I have never dealt with those issues before. To read all this made me really sad as well and I think I have never cried more often then the time reading her texts.

    Quite a long time it was bearable for me but somehow each time we talked over it or when I saw that she cut herself it made me more and more sad. I had really problems to deal with all this and this nearly destroyed out relationship. I told her I needed a short break to sort my feelings which surely was to her like a slap in her face. But we missed together this much and loved each other that we came back together like 4 days after that. This has been 1 year ago now.

    After this issue though she doesn't talk to me anymore about her depressions etc. because she knows how it hurts me and that i cannot really deal with it. She moreover tries for me to stop cutting herself. When I ask her about her how she feels she answers me, but just in short evasive answers or just says good, ok etc. But I know her this good that she isn't really ok. Honestly i doubt that she really knows clearly about her feeling herself - she doesn't lie to me. Somehow i think that she really believes everything is ok especially in our relationship. But I know that not everything is allright. I know that she still has the hopeless inside of her. I know that she sometime still cuts herself and has the death wishes.

    In her book which I am free to read I can see it myself. All texts deal about the sorrow, the pain and the hopeful time when all this ends for her. She really likes to find a way out but I think gave up hope quite a long time ago. And aswell she writes that I am her anchor and her key either to live or kill herself - even though she would never diretly tell me. I asked her to perhaps get help by a consultant but she said she would never do that.

    Another problem in our relation ship is our sexual life. Because of her history she has naturally problems with sex and I fully try to respect it even though it is hard for me to be so close to her and suppress my desires for weeks/ months. But sometimes I am not able supress making make a pass to her. In case the blocks I directly stop doing that. I really hate myself for not being able to suppress it completely because I know the sometimes lets it take place just not to affront me. But I know that she doesn't feel good then either. On the one hand I would like to be personal with my girlfriend on the other hand each time she lets it take place I feel guilty for letting my feelings get the overhand. I know that she already had a nightmare in which she dremed I would sexually abuse her, which I would never ever do. But she thinks she had this one because of sometimes not blocking my passes making to her. I thought over and over but I don't come to a solution. I tried to completely suppress my feelings in that way but I didn't get it managed.

    Moreover we differ in the social way. My girlfriend most likely would just spend the whole time alone with me (this also includes goingt shopping withe me alone etc.). Aswell the weekends are really important to her because this is the only time in which we have plenty of time for each other. I love to spend the time with her, but the weekend is the only time period in which I have time for e.g. visiting my parents or some friends too. Within the week it is timely not manageable for me. My girlfriend though doesn't like nor social activity nor does she really have that kind of family feeling. I don't do this often, but sometimes I would just like to visit my parents or do something with my friends. She instead cannot understand it. The weekend is holy to her and she would disarrange nearly each appointment to have the weekend completely for me. I however don't see any problem if I spend perhaps 1 day on a weekend each month for doing something like that. I also offered her to come with me visiting my parents or playing board games with my friends so that we can spend more time together, but she doesn't want to. I don't know how often we quarreld about this issue? But is is this wrong to sometimes do things I want as well? I often compromise my needs to comfort her. However I sometimes need and want to do thinks I like as well. Mostly when I do those things they don't make fun or satisfy me due to feeling guilty leaving my girlfriend home alone so that I am driving back to her.

    In the last time though I have more doubts lurking in my mind. I don't know how to deal with all this any more. I dont't even know how much I love her any more. She still means a lot to me and I feel really good when being at her side or holding her in my arms. But on the other side sometimes I am looking for excuses not to go to her. We are still not living together even though she would really like me moving to her. Sometimes I would like nothing more than moving to her and spend much time with her and other times I am glad when I am in my own flat and can distract my thoughts by doing something different trying not to think about her. Sometimes I am thinking if our relationship has a future either. Does a relationship if you cannot tell each other everything because your partner (in this case) me is not able to deal with all this? Normally you should be able to especially talk to your partner about all and to be there for him/ her.

    I don't know any further or what to do or how to feel anymore. One the one hand I don't want to loose her and on the other hand one part of me wants to because all this hurts me and takes me down. But I know if I would breakup with her it would be her end. But then I think if she really has the desire to break up with all this and set an end shouldn't I just let her go when the whole life and each day she wakes up is just pain for her? I thought about visiting a consultant to help me perhaps, but I don't think he can help me either.

    Thank you in advance for your response
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WElcome first off. You thoughts about seeing a therapist is a good one as he or she can give you advice skills to help you partner. I think the best thing to do is to get her therapy with a psychologist that deals with trauma Therapy does help . You love her but you cannot heal her only a professional with skills taught to them can take that past pain and make it less. You getting therapy will help you deal with the pain you feel for her. i hope you both can get some help
  3. RestlessSpirit

    RestlessSpirit New Member

    Hi violet,

    thanks for your answer. I think I will do so and going to see a therapist, because I am not sure how much longer I can handle it myself. But getting her to see a therapist would quite be more difficult if possible at all.

    To say it friendly she has a quite low meaning of all therapist, psychologists etc. She had been to one before but they never really helped her, but I don't know if she has really been open and honest to them. And I don't want her to do things she doesn't want to. I do those quite often for her, but that doesn't matter this much. I want to feel her comfort and to support her.

    I hope when I am going to see one she will perhaps get help as well. Otherwise I don't really see much future for us, because it really gets me down sometimes. Lately more often.

    The problem is moreover that she doesn't really see that I'm not quite well with the whole situation, because I hide that doubts from her. I'm sure that I love her, but sometimes I'm having these doubts that this is enough. And is it enough when I often feel not good? But I can't talk to her about that because then her world would break down and all the trust she got in me. And I don't think in this case she can bear my doubts another time and rebuild her feelings and trust to me. I see myself with this burden on my shoulders and don't know what to do. So the therapist for me is not to bad at all even if I cannot convince her to go to one.