How to control BPD in relationships...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by feathers, Jan 29, 2011.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    BPD like tendencies cause me to become very controlling in relationships, and when I get depressed it gets to the point where a partner becomes more like a carer... and a target, of my irrational rage and devaluation.

    I accepted a few months ago that my relationships follow a pattern.

    Initial idealization, where I act perfect, like exactly what the guy wants and get him hooked on me.
    Then my depression comes in and he is hooked on me so he stays around to try and help me through the depression in the hopes that the initial "idealization" stage will come back but it never does.
    Throughout this depression and afterward I go through idealization and devaluation episodes, with the devaluation getting steadily more dominant until it just isn't worth being in the relationship any more, and the guy is left feeling used because they stayed with me all the way through my depression only for me to break up with them.

    Having noticed this pattern and the effect the depression due to it was having on my college work, I decided I would not have any more relationships for 3 years (until I finished uni, so that it wouldn't impact on my uni work in the same way). However, that was wishful thinking. I am a completely emotionally dependent person and I do not think that I will be able to just go "cold turkey" on the emotional satisfaction I get out of a relationship, and also the control I have over people in a relationship, which is horrible, but too difficult to stop.

    I'm gonna have to look at this from a different angle - rather than "no relationships whatsoever" I am going to have to think of a way to control myself when I am in a relationship, to try and avoid the same thing happening again.

    Anyone have any ideas, that I might not be able to see very well from my position? I have no idea how to control myself. (Yes, I'm waiting to see a therapist. Yes, I'm on meds - ADs. Doctor won't put me on mood stabilizers even though I could do with them for my mood swings.)

    K x