My mother was really abusive towards me from when I was around 12 up until I was pretty much 19. At the end of my second year in college, I told her that I wouldn't be able to talk to her again unless she started getting some help. I changed my phone number and didn't speak to her for months. I found out later that she ended up in a hospital for issues with bi-polar and border line personality disorder. I knew she was struggling with mental illness my whole life but this was the first time she was forced to get help. The doctors said if she didn't go to the hospital, she would have been dead of either her diabetes or suicide within a month. So... she did what I asked and got help, so I started talking with her. She is less mean, but she is really depressed. She doesn't remember any of the abuse. At all. Sometimes she asks me for my permission to kill herself. It is really hard. She can't leave her apartment most of the time. She needs to have groceries delivered. You would probably think she was struggling with hoarding if you saw her apartment. I recently started paying her cell phone bill. I just can't believe she doesn't remember anything. Maybe it is better for her, but now she has no idea what she has done to me. I've been fighting so hard to just keep my head above water for years. I remember so many things. I have had so many nightmares of her coming to kill me. When I stopped talking to her at 19, I was panicked that she would come to find me at school. My friends tried to explain that I was safe, but I couldn't believe it. And now she has no idea. This woman convinced me to be anorexic, she chipped away at my dignity by depriving me of any privacy (in the shower or bathroom), she chased me into a wall and I broke my foot, she made fun of my self injury and asked if I wanted her to buy me a knife, she isolated me from my entire family, she has been messing with my mind for years. I just want her to remember what she is trying to be sorry for. How do I deal with this? I feel like I have no family. And now I think I may be bi-polar myself which I am scared of because I really don't want to be anything like her. I feel so alone here with these memories.