how to deal? (may be a little triggering but I'm not sure, I tried not to be)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by whativebecome, Nov 18, 2010.

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  1. whativebecome

    whativebecome New Member

    My mother was really abusive towards me from when I was around 12 up until I was pretty much 19. At the end of my second year in college, I told her that I wouldn't be able to talk to her again unless she started getting some help.

    I changed my phone number and didn't speak to her for months.

    I found out later that she ended up in a hospital for issues with bi-polar and border line personality disorder. I knew she was struggling with mental illness my whole life but this was the first time she was forced to get help.

    The doctors said if she didn't go to the hospital, she would have been dead of either her diabetes or suicide within a month.

    So... she did what I asked and got help, so I started talking with her. She is less mean, but she is really depressed. She doesn't remember any of the abuse. At all. Sometimes she asks me for my permission to kill herself. It is really hard. She can't leave her apartment most of the time. She needs to have groceries delivered. You would probably think she was struggling with hoarding if you saw her apartment. I recently started paying her cell phone bill.

    I just can't believe she doesn't remember anything. Maybe it is better for her, but now she has no idea what she has done to me. I've been fighting so hard to just keep my head above water for years. I remember so many things. I have had so many nightmares of her coming to kill me. When I stopped talking to her at 19, I was panicked that she would come to find me at school. My friends tried to explain that I was safe, but I couldn't believe it. And now she has no idea.

    This woman convinced me to be anorexic, she chipped away at my dignity by depriving me of any privacy (in the shower or bathroom), she chased me into a wall and I broke my foot, she made fun of my self injury and asked if I wanted her to buy me a knife, she isolated me from my entire family, she has been messing with my mind for years. I just want her to remember what she is trying to be sorry for.

    How do I deal with this? I feel like I have no family. And now I think I may be bi-polar myself which I am scared of because I really don't want to be anything like her. I feel so alone here with these memories.
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Its to bad we cant pick our parents, unfortunately it is what it is. But you dont have to worry about ending up like her. I also think this of my mother, you may see a few traits from her but you know and understand what she has done and how it made you feel, so I dont think you have any worries on repeating it.

    I think I should say something on this, not that I have any answers but just to put my thoughts out there.

    I find it hard to think that she doesnt remember any of the abuse that she put on you, I also suffer from bipolar and I can remember pretty much everything, I also feel guilt and shame for yelling or anything like to my kids.

    Its super unfair of her to put her disease on you like this, If my mother ever asked me for permission to end my life I would say that if you tell me that one more time Im packing you up and taking you to the hospital. Its unfair that you have to deal with this, Im sure as we all do that you have enough on your plate already.

    This is your life, you choose what you want to get and what you want to give. Noone will be able to tell you to seperate your ways, that that will solve everything, only you can choose to do that, but know the feelings and the abuse has already happened to you. You will need to work on yourself, and the damage that she has caused.

    Im here anytime you want to chat, PM if you want.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that's terrible what your mother put you through... *hug*
    did your mother have ECT (electric shock therapy) in hospital?...that could explain the memory loss..
    you sound like a wonderful daughter proud of yourself...
  4. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    i agree you seem vary empathic and caring..

    take care in these hard times


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