I attempted suicide about three weeks ago. The how and why isn't important but instead of a suicide note, I left an email for my best friend on the other side of the world. I didn't expect her to read it immediately and I hoped it would be over by the time she read it. It wasn't and I put her through the five hours of hell while she tried to talk to me and I refused her phone calls and emails. Needless to say, when I survived, she refused any contact with me. I want to be mad at her but I don't know what I would have done if I had been in her shoes. I'm just so hurt that she doesn't see I emailed her because maybe sub-consciously I was asking her help and to ignore me now hurts me more than any anger she could lay on me. It was my birthday on Saturday and I would've bet my life against it but she just didn't even wish me a happy birthday. What do I do? I can't keep begging and apologising but I also can't lose her or fix myself without her.