How to deal with it every day?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Syphon, May 5, 2013.

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  1. Syphon

    Syphon New Member

    Every single day. I wake up and the first thought in my mind is how much I hate my life. But I don't hate it, but my mind hates it. I have a gf of 3 years who loves me more than I love her. I have friends and family who care about me. But I can't ever talk to anyone about it because nobody understands. I hurt others around me for whatever reason, I don't know. I also am self destructive, but only to an extent. I am 20 years old, going nowhere. I can't take it anymore. Nothing is going to make me happy- driving a cool car, having and hanging with friends, and smoking weed, and having sex... It's only happiness while it's going on. Right after its back into the shithole. Every day. I try to do things. I wash my car that I've been in love with for years and could finally buy- only to be harassed! (its an ex cop car but completely void of anything that makes it so. Ford Crown victoria, they sell civilian versions come on)

    I got pulled over the other day and was being harassed and bullied because they though I shave my head and drive around in a black car trying to be a cop. Yeah, I love screwing other people over and hurting them more than I do good.
    I had so much marijuana I would've gone to federal prison. I have a medical card but the amount in question was tenfold the amount of legal carrying limit.

    I use it to treat my depression and honestly, it helps. I've been depressed since my parents divorce (mother is psychotic, dad is useless, family psych problems too) at age 12 and have been extremely depressed since my junior year in highschool. I started smoking in november of 12 and it helps me find out why I am depressed. I am at peace with my insecurities, my anxieties. I know that when the THC wears off that I will be back in my depression. WHY?? I know its subjective! Just be happy! I can be outside in the sun doing the things I love like fishing with my girlfriend and just HATE every second of it. It almost feels like my brain is releasing a checmical when I get some tiny amount of happiness that takes it away and destroys it. I don't think it's for everyone. I think moderate use is what I need to get it down to (few days clean, otherwise everyday smoker since nov).

    Ignore or respond to my cannabis usage, idc. I have also tried concerta like 28mg. Amphetimines? It makes me feel like I should, the problems are still there but I am able to overcome it mentally. I treat people better, do things for other people and just want to drive around looking for people with car troubles to help them. And then it wears off and I become emotionally and psychologically burdened. I hate it. I have tons of options to leave, but my girlfriend, my younger brother, my dad, my mom, my step mom, her daughter who just had a baby, would all be affected. I started typing this in an angry emotional suicidal manner and am now crying hard.

    t's all pointless. Nothing is going to make me happy. Day by day, I dont know if/when I will ever do something. I just can't deal with this day after day of not being happy, and forcing happyness when I know its going to go away when I go home at the end of the day. The little things in life that make you happy only exist right then and there. I am a slave to neurotransmitters and just want out.. No more sadness, no more racing thoughts, no more overanalyzing everything I say and do because I think I'm stupid and do stupid stuff. I don't want to live for other people. It's selfish that I have to be alive so they don't get sad. You have to live every day missing me? I doubt every second of EVERY DAY WILL BE SPENT THINKING THIS. Because thats what my depression is. Constant darkness, knives that like to cut and are just so appealing and easy to slice with... Why even bother
    anymore?

    edit: just saw the join date. Today was my first post but that goes to show you...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are going through this...I was where you seem to be and medication and therapy did help me feel more in the world...maybe it is time to be more aggressive in finding treatment that would be helpful...and yes, some people clearly have chemical imbalances that preclude them from feeling 'happy', but first a complete medical examination is in order and then proceed from there
     
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