How to Deal With Pure Anger and Resentment?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by XxNijinoDoreixX, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. So, I'm not sure what I'll gain by posting this, but for some reason I just feel like writing it and seeing if I'll even post it.

    So, for as long as I can remember, I've had insomnia, panic attacks, and just plain nervous about everything. I have an extremely horrible fear of death though the thought of existence beyond death doesn't fear me, it's just the actual process. I don't really have any religious beliefs exactly, though I have my own thoughts on what we call God.

    All through out my life, I grew up in a lot of unstable situations. As a newborn, my own father didn't attend my birth. My mom just named me after the only person who showed up, which was an aunt. I suppose that sort of starts out with the hurt, that my name was just picked in the spur of the moment, that any naming processes had just been tossed out because of her anger.

    To say my first years of life were miserable though, I can't remember but we eventually moved in with my moms friends, on an orchard, and I only smile at all the pictures because it looks wonderful...but eventually my mother married an abusive man, so in the times afterwards I stop with the smiles. I can only remember all the times I'd see him choking her, the time he broke her spline and she literally died on the operating table (luckily brought back after 5 minutes), but or nearly a week leading up to her making it to the hospital she'd been in her room, all the phones taken out of the walls.

    I can't count the times I seen my mother trying to commit suicide.XXXXXXXX.it's embarrassing to admit even to close friends. I really couldn't imagine what possessed her to do those things, literally right in front of my eyes. I can't imagine why no one ever helped us as kids. Me and my sister, but no one did. One time, we lived with more of my mothers friends, or I guess that's what she calls them, and she xxxxxxxxxxx, and though I begged them over and over to call the hospital, for a week she just lay on the couch, and even during a night she almost stopped breathing, they just made me go in to a room and told me she was just sleeping. I clearly remember all of these things, and though people say I should have called the police on my own. Every time I did, she'd only yell at me, looking at me as though I'd done the worst thing ever in my life, like I should have just let her die.

    I really don't remember when my step father started to verbally, and on few occasions, physically, abusing me, but I do know it'd been for a long time. He'd say over and over again that I was 'stupid' or because my older sister got pregnant young, he'd always say that I was 'just like her'. Though, I definitely was far from the same tree as my sister. My sister, she is so rude, so disrespectful to my mother. To everyone that I know. She continues to just have children and doesn't want to raise them. She treats me HORRIBLY, and yet, because I can't seem to stop caring, though I DESPERATELY want to...I can't...but either way. No matter what my sister has done, my mother would do anything in the world for her, and I can't even rely on my mother to do simple things.

    I have a younger sister who had a birth defect due most likely from my mothers drug usage, and I can remember back when I was in third grade, my mother leaving me and my younger sister to stay with 'dad' while she lived with my older sister in another town. He worked usually 6 to 8 leaving me completely responsible for my younger sister. I did it without thought as a child, just happy to have peace in the house, but I can only feel so much anger.

    I suppose that's what this whole thing is about. HOW, HOW do I possibly get pass my anger> Can I? ....not that anyone on here could really answer that...but...it's just a question universe....just hoping I'll get somewhat of an answer....

    Of course there's much more I could add on, like my mother ruining my credit, yet she's my parent, and I have no idea of how I'd face my sister if I put the only person who she has to care for her in jail. It's just, I have to now pay for thousands of dollars I didn't spend, sure it was to help keep the lights on in a house I lived in, but if it wasn't for her drug use those lights wouldn't have been off....I can't look to my real father either. He's just another African American statistic. The ones who have tons of kids by many women, who don't support their children in any way. I don't even consider him much more than a donor. I love myself a lot, but to be honest, I just don't feel love for the family I was born into. I don't have any desire to know them any more...and the only reason I feel my palms sweat, my throat close up, my eyes water, is if I turned away, started anew. I'd leave behind my younger sister, my nieces and nephews...and they already got such a latch on me.

    I've tried talking to my family about all of these things, but they TRULY are just too ignorant to understand, and I say that in the most honest of ways possible. They really don't think they've done much wrongs to me, they've literally laughed at my tears and heartfelt words. I truly am at a loss of what to feel anymore towards them. It's so confusing hearing words like honor they mother and father, yet you receive nothing but disrespect from them.

    Well...this was crazy to write, and I'm feeling anxious, but it can't hurt to post it up. So...if anyone has any idea about dealing with so much anger, regret, remorse, or whatever this is mostly of...than please share.
    >(^_^)>:cow: <(^^)< tha cute cow made me cheer up....

    Though...it may seem that this is really big in my life, lately my family has been the last thing on my mind. I do think about it, and of course it feels just as horrible as always, but I really do try not to think of them at all. It's just, so often in my life, I run into road blocks they've created, and I get so angry......so angry. I really, REALLY....have no idea what I should do for this situation...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have a right to your anger. You will not change the way they see they are just like you say not accepting responsibilty for their actions. How to deal with this is to move on with YOUR life and not be so concerned with theirs. Time to make a new foundation a new set of boundaries to protect you to keep you from being harm from them again. Move forward and don't look back hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As long as your anger is focused upon what happened to you and does not interfere in your other relationships, it sounds appropriate...it is when we blame others for not being there, wonder why it happened to us and take a cynical view of living, etc. that we have to work on our past...I had an horrific childhood as well, and was so enraged about how everything was stolen from me and that I had to go through so much suffering...thankfully, I feel those emotions less...please know you deserve to feel better and you did nothing wrong...you were a child and one who was neglected and abused...I am so sorry this happened to you...I know first hand how devastating this can be to one's life...please PM me if you ever need to talk to someone who understands...big hugs and welcome, J
     
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