How to deal with teasing/bullying when out and about trig

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by kath, Aug 9, 2006.

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  1. kath

    kath Well-Known Member


    i am somewhat used to being ridculed,teased,tormented when im out and about on accasion cos of my sight problems.The type of people who i often come across who do it are usually people like kids or drunks or whatever and though it hurts i dont know them so i just deal with it........i have to.But i think its happening to me morre recently.Well that probably is true but i also know im probably more sensitive at present cos i dont feel very good.And i cant take it.And i should be able to.

    Tonight i think i had a similar experience.......but also slightly different from the norm.i had to catch buses home this evening.Well two anyway.And i got on the first bus and the start of the journey was fine.But then about half way through i thought i heard my name being repeaatedly called but in a very mocking and teasing type of tone and with a very weird voice put on.Cos of the nature of the boice i could not hear them clearly and since i was sat at the front of the bus and they were at the back i wasnt going to try and check out if it was anyone i knew cos it would have been embarrasing if i got it wrong and also i fail a lot with my ability to recognise people in my life.i am very slow.i know people who are totally blind who can recognise the people around them a lot better and quickeer than me and i admire them but i do not have their skill and i feel a failure.So even if i had been able to get closer to where these people were it would not particuarly help me cos i cant recognise people by sight.Only by voice.So seeing just their outlines would not have been any use ot me anyway.i cant tell who people are that way.i learn people by voice as i say though it seems to take me a lot longer period of time to learn peoples voices than it does a lot of visually impaired people cos i am quite slow at this.Also i have been feeling vulnerable so was not sure it was a real voice in the first place.It was a male voice i heard.But as isay because i was sat at the front and they were at the back,cos of the tone of the voice and the fact i could not be certain it was an actual voice i thought id leave it.And later got off the bus still wondering what was going on and being amxious it was amale voice that called me as i do not know many young males at all.When i got off he bus i was still upset by what i had experienced and was still owndering what was going on.But by this point when we were close to the bus station and nearly there i convinced myself it must be a real voice cos i think i heard them say something else..........but that something else is only something that that could really be said by someone in my support workers group for young people who self harm as it was something mostly only that group are most likely to associate with meNot really others so much.Not to mention that it would be fairly rare at the moment for me to associate with young men apart from in the group i go to cos i have little social life at present really as my anxiety is making me feel terrified of all people at mo whether i know them well or not at all.So im avoiding people and feeling terribly alone.You really are terribly alone in the world when your terrified of all people.But that means my social circle especially where young men are concerned at present is very limited and practically non exsistant.

    Anyway i got off the bus and was still thinkinhg about what had happened and whether it was just me or not.As it happens to catch a second bus home i can use a few different bus stands at the bus station cos diffferent numbers go up my way.As it happens none of the ones from the bus station were due for quite a while.So then i made my way to the road outside cos then if i cross over there is another stop on the other side which i can get a bus home from though i have to walk for about five minutes longer at the end of the journey.But doing that was going to be bettter than waiting around at the bus station for at least another half an hour until another relevvant bus was due.And so i wanted to check the time to see if that would be going out soon.So i had to walk along the road to a crossing point so that i could cross safely [real pain having ot always use crossing and wait when your visually impaired – no one else waits for lights these days and i look odd!!!!]So i started to walk up the road to this crossing but buses also go from the side of the road i was still walking on and i got to the second stop along though i dont know if they were ccatching another bus or not or just standing there] and this time a male in a slightly clearer voice said 'Hi kath'.i froze and looked at him and he looked straight at me.Then [still not knowing who it was as they may have used my name but did not tell me their own and i clearly havent learnt to recognise their voice yet so i didnt know who it was] i just mumbled 'How are you?' and they said alright and returned the quiestion to which they kind of got a very short 'fine' as an answer cos even if they are from the group they dont know the nature of my specific problems or sitaution so i still see it as a script type thing which i do with most people.Maybe i should have given a longer answer.Maybe they would have thought that a bit short.But anyhow that was the answer i gave.i then froze again and he stood staring directly at me.Then i just mumbled something like catch you later and walked at rather a fast pace to the bus stop on the other side of the road.Fortunately for me the bus was already there and went out shortly after so i was relieved ot get on it.Though still upset cos whether it wwas just me or they havd been how they [they being him with friends but i dont think the friends are part of our group,we have few males in the group compared to females] were being then either way the evening had upset me.

    Now obviously i cant be certain it was someone from my support workers group was was being mocking on the bus but if it was a real perosn it was highly likely to be from there.As isay i cant eliminate other possibiilities but cos of something they said and cos i certainly dont have a fan club of young men [hardly know any!] then it seems highly likely.If he was from the group then i will almost certainly never feel comfortable there again [i didnt think the people there were like that though i probalby deserve it]and i only got the courage to go back there last week as i have been unwell – i need all the support i can get to be quite frank.But now all of this has made me think that maybe i cant/shouldnt keep going incase i am right and it is likely to be someone from the group.i couldnt feel comfortable there............and am not used oto being teased in a nasty way by many of the people i actually know so this feels a bit weird and scary to me.Its like they know me and it hurts even more that they dont like me enough not to tease me,that im still not good enoguh for them as a person................

    Is it really a coincidence that i thought i heard this young male voice on the first bus doing what i described above and then the very person who i run into in the bus station five minutes later is a young male too??A young male who clearly knows my name.Whats the chance of that happening........and at eleven o clock total coincidence.??

    Some would say i probably shouldnt be out at eleven at night on my own anyway particuarly cos of my sight problems which means i see pravtically nothing except very very little in the dark so it is probably not the safest thing for me to be doing.But thats what needing to overdose and having ot go out for tons of pills and be out at eleven at night does to some of us.........

    im sorry this is long probalby confusing and probably my own fault even if it was the experience i think it was but i dont know how to deal with this.i really dont.Sorry for asking.
  2. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Kath, :hug:

    I am sorry you are feeling tormented by others whom you have trusted. It is unlikely that anyone from your support group would tease you or mock you. The mind is a strange thing when depressed. I don't know if you knew this but a severe depression can trigger hallucinations and hearing voices. That is part of depression at it's worst. By your own admission you are severely depressed so it is possible the voice you heard was created by your mind. That in itself can be a scary thing. I do not know for sure, of course, but I know that theoretically it is quite possible.

    I also know that our emotions can trigger certain responses. You were out and about getting pills for overdose. How were you feeling? Maybe you were feeling a bit out of control, feeling guilt and shame, feeling alone, feeling like you are some kind of freak that no one can like or help. I want you to know that I DO NOT see you like this but I believe YOU see yourself like this. Am I wrong? I hope I am. But it's very easy for us to think about ourselves in the worst ways. I myself feel like a freak, like I'll be alone forever because i can't connect to others. I feel shame just for being alive, and guilt and out of control because i keep trying to get a grip and can't. (missing work again today.) ::sigh:: I'm going to loose my job soon, I just know it.

    Kath, if you were feeling some of those things, shame, guilt, loneliness, or like a freak.. then it is very possible that the mind creates a sort of source for it and you can hear a voice that is mocking you when there is no real voice. But because you are feeling it so intensely the mind can create a reason for feeling that way. i recommend anytime you hear such a voice to ask someone near to you if they hear it to. Just say, "Did you hear someone say my name?" People with schizophrenia have to deal with this all the time, they way you have to deal with blindness. They have to compensate and verify the reality of things. They often ask if "others" can see or hear it as well. You do not have schizophrenia, but severe depression can cause hallucinations and have a similar effect.

    Next, it is very easy for us, Kath, to push away the very things that can help us. The very people who want to help us. this support group is important for you. But "trusting" is very difficult for you. And fear of being hurt or mocked or not liked can prevent you from connecting to the others in your group. I think this fear is the root to social anxiety. The mind will often find a "reason" to push others away to protect you from getting hurt. Your reason to stop trusting the group and to pull away is based on a voice that may or may not have been real and that may or may not have come from this group. But it's enough for you to mistrust your group and pull away from them. Then, you don't have to worry about them hurting you, not likeing you, or your difficulty connecting and liking them back.

    I am struggling with a similar issue in my DBT group. I was really put on the spot the other day when the Dr. leading the group asked me, right out, how connected I feel to the group on a scale of 1-5. I have been with this group for nearly 6 months now. People have exchanged phone numbers, getting together outside of group, etc.. but it's never been that easy for me. I had to say a 2. They are a little better than strangers to me but they do not have my phone number and I do not get together with them after group, etc. I can't bring myself to GIVE them my number or anything that will lead to a connection. I guess I fear connecting to others. Detachmentment disorder, and all that. However, THEY feel very connected to me. One of the ladies in the group refered to me as her friend and she had been worrying about me all week! And then after group she hugged me. The sad thing is I'm sure she meant this as a comforting gesture but I was just uncomfortable. Aware that a hug from someone you have been in group with for over 6 months and sharing your life struggles with is a very natural and safe gesture on her part. But connection, especially physical connection, is difficult for me. I don't feel it. But I can't keep going on like this either. She gave me her phone number and I might just call her this week. But i'm afraid when I call her she'll have my number and she'll have a way to "connect" to me. (even though I never answer my phone anyway..)

    Kath, you and I both need to TRY and achieve connection to others around us. We have to dare to trust even when we are afraid. Your support group is as safe an environment as it gets since it's supervised. You could ask your group if anyone there met you at the bus the other day and tell them what happened. And when someone from the group offers to help you or reaches out to you TRY to trust them. To the best of your ability try to reach back because THAT is what recovery for us involves. We can't go around not trusting and pushing everyone away all the days of our lives, we'll be miserable. The worst that can happen is we will be betrayed, again.. . or the best that can happen is we develope a great friendship that can turn our whole outlook around. It's worth trying. Because not trying and more hiding and avoiding just gets us more miserable and alone. It's worth trying Kath!
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    kath, i too am sorry to hear you feel as if it may be possible that others who are suppose to be the most supportive of you may , in fact, be mocking you. I don't feel they would have a reason to do this. As Luliby said, depression makes us believe so many things about ourselves and others. Our view becomes skewed. There are many people pulling for you kath. Don't lose sight of those that want to help. Don't continue to push them away.
  4. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend


    ditto what Luliby and gentlelady say. I wish I had more words, but I send my support and empathy....
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