How to disappear completely..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SweetVitriol, Sep 5, 2010.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I have been hanging around the peripheries of SF for a while now, returning when my moods take a turn for the worse & trying to find solence in helping others when I cannot help myself..But the one reoccurring feature is that when I lose control of my my moods, I start to control my weight...

    Like others on here, I have a long standing ED, unlike others I am not a teenage girl, but a grown man, with a steady job as a senior nurse..And now I am in the grip of my sweet mistress.

    I have managed to drop over a stone this month, taking me below the 130lb mark (I am 6'0 tall and quite a solid build) yet all I seem to do is amend my target ever downwards with each passing week.. I am now taking an average daily intake of less than 300K/cal and resent every allowing anything to pass my lips despite working 13hr night shifts..My clothes no longer fit me & if it wasn't for the baggy scrubs I wear at work I am sure that someone would catch me out..

    I have no idea why I am writing this..Maybe I need someone to tell me that I am doing ok? Or maybe this will be my last swing through the beautiful emptiness of starvation? All I know is that I am alone in this..Intellectually I know she (My ED) controls me, not the other way around but no amount of logic will stop me reaching my next goal even if I know I will just reset the target ever downwards..

    I will manage to disappear completely..Like the mote of dust on the wind, I do not want to be helped, nor stopped...I need someone to talk with, preferably here in England..But somehow I doubt I will find them..
  2. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    I think you should set your weight goals to be higher instead of lower.
  3. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Which totally contradicts my aims? So what good would that do me?

    Try reading the post or engaging your brain before blindly replying..Your words prove that I will not find anyone on here who understands..Very helpful (Tongue firmly in cheek)
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'm a 17 year old gay male who has a similar problem. Every summer, my weight drops dramatically. I'm 5'9" and 102 lbs. The way that I gain weight back is through the rigid schedule that I have during the rest of the year. Since you seem to have a similar schedule, I don't really know what else to do.

    I know this wasn't really much help. Just felt like I needed to post it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2010
  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Gosh, I say that too "disappear....dust in the wind" YOu have been with you illness (ED) a long time right Sweetvitriol? I have been with mine for over 20 my mid thrities now. Likewise, worked in healthcare too. I think those of us that have suffered many years without intervention/treatment, the path of treatment/healing is becomes second nature like brushing out teeth as how I see it.

    Has anyone at work every approached to you about it?
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    No one dare to approach me..Though I am not a violent or aggressive soul, once I put on my scrubs (And my mask, to shield me from thine enemies) I become this very forward, very singleminded person who's only concern is the care of my patients..I project such a aura that no one, even my managers dare to step in my way..So no, no one has mentioned anything at work & long may it remain that way...Besides, they managers really only care about box ticking and bureaucracy, the real work is left to us & as long as my patients survive then they won't say a thing....

    I wish I could say things were gonna be all right but something feels different this time..Almost resigned to what may be..I know that soon I will be too weak to do my job & the loss of the one stable thing may well signify the beginning of the end for me..My career has, and shall always be the one place of safety for me..In there I am confident & decisive but as soon as the uniform comes off, so does the mask..And I am back to being this wretched, worthless being that cannot even allow others near...

    My ED is all I have left now..My rock to cling to in this fetid ocean of life. And my grip is weakening with each passing day.,
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    interesting you say SV, I too was that way at work. The patients were my badge of honor and as psychotic as I was, no one directly approached me but the whispers and stares were there. As soon as I left out the door, my life of darkeness took over....feels so criminal sometimes.

    Do you ever wish sometimes, even though that invisible glass is put up, that something or someone would shake you and ask "Why are you doing this???!!" "What does this mean??!!" it's a double edge sword of the control is out of control....I dunno.

    Do you mind sharing what lead to the onset of your disorder? Were you ever in treatment for your ED?
  8. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Adam,you have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to reply from the heart, rather than spout empty platitudes..

    From across the ocean I send you nothing but love & peaceful thoughts my friend..I truly hope you find your happiness..If you ever see me online, drop me a message..

    With peaceful thoughts
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Firstly PinkPetals I want to thank you too.
    This lonely world suddenly got smaller and more intimate when I read your reply..Yes I too wear my patients as my badge of honour, to the point that the in-joke is that I iron them into their sheets,so immaculate...My unit gleams and my bedspace would pass muster with even the strictest of standards..To know that someone else out there feels such pride in their deeds & duty gives me hope..

    I promise I will tell my story, but not now..I am currently back after my first of five nights & it has taken it's toll on my tired body, so much so that another two pounds were gleaned from me over the past 13hrs..But I promise I will share with thee, even if only because I do not think you will laugh or scorn..And in this world that is high praise indeed for few get near to me when the mask is down..And fewer come to understand..

    Until then, tell me your story..Please?
    Fill me with the hope that someone out there has the same triggers & traps that I bear each day..or at least understands them..

    Until I can get back on I leave you with what may be the legacy of my years of service..Six words I carry engraved on my heart..

  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I hope you rested well SV. I too, took a day of rest.

    I only ask in order to understand people. I would never laugh.....perhaps only because we may find commanalities...... but your story and pain is nothing funny to laugh about. I would be honored to hear your story as I will share mine as well.

    Triggers and Traps, I will definately share tomorrow when I am a little more recharged.

    Btw, I like your eloquent way of "talking"
  11. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you my love..Your words calm me & from across the miles I send you nothing but love..

    I do not know how I could begin to explain my life, my tiny cage I carry around each day. Created by my own hands & soul. But I shall try..

    I am afraid that I have had a fraught set of nights which have left me wounded beyond compare.. At this moment I feel so hollow, not only from the hunger gnawing behind my ribs but from the cutting words of a colleague who in one sentence took the final shred of humanity that I had clung onto for so long..

    At this moment I so want to cry, to scream, to rail against the bloody injustices that weigh so heavily on my shoulders...Be for once words fail me..All I can do right now is just be..

    I hope this finds you well...In my heart I picture you safe & warm somewhere other than this hell of our own making..I hope I am right..

    Tomorrow I will try to start my tale, but for now I just need to sit here & wait for the sunrise to herald another day..except tomorrow, I doubt I shall regain that crumb of self worth that was snatched from my hand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2010
  12. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Maybe once I did..But then you realise that no one will understand even if you did open your heart to them.. After empty platitudes expire you are still left there withering like a rose and the world continues to revolve around you..

    "If my thought train could be seen,
    They'd probably put my head in a guillotine"
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    My ED came from my fear of turning out like my mother, who was overweight for most of my life, I think. At least, that's how it started. It ended up taking on a life of its own. I ended up fighting a war with my parents over it. Most people my age, they fought with their parents over curfew and their friends. I fought over calories and exercise.

    Not fun.
  14. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    My story begins on a small island off the coast of England. Where two young lovers who should of never of been together found themselves with a child neither wanted. The resulting fall out led to a shotgun wedding & a marriage that should never of been..That child was me..

    They fought, argued & screamed at each other, coming close to doing the honorable thing & parting their separate ways several times but never closing the deal, always using me as the reason for staying..The mother, not knowing how to feel, used food as a substitute for love & inflicted a cruel reversal of her own battle with her weight onto the child & by the time she left ten years later, tired of being moved from city to city on a yearly basis by her husband's job (One he ironically only kept in order to provide) she left.. Leaving a morbidly obese & emotionally stunted child confused & alone with his father..

    From there the cruel teenage years saw several attempts at suicide, each one wounding the father deeper still as he could not come to terms with his son suffering like he had in his youth..Until one day, aged 15 the child left home and never returned..

    I do not think this story is uncommon.. From there the child was battered, beaten and abused by the world..Turning inwards to hide from the pain by inflicting it on himself before others could do it to him..Finding control in an out of control world by starving himself & trying to disappear inside his own mind..Books, music & art became a sanctuary until he finally gained the strength to return to education, using his experiences to prevent the same things happening to others...And that is where he now stands..Approaching middle age with the same mechanisms & tools he used when he was a wounded child, loose in the world, to control the uncontrollable..To turn inwards & damage the vessel that carries his wounded heart..

    That is my story..

    I do not write it for the sake of pity..I was asked to tell my tale & I have..As honestly as I can..

    Now take me as I am.
  15. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    125lbs & dropping..It's the same old story..
    Hit the target & reset it lower..
  16. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    SV, 125 lbs on a average woman is meaty but on a man that is hella skinny! I mean I know I don't have room to speak for we are struggling the same path......but have you had any liquids? You know this is life and death now...right? At some point, the weight drops, drops and drops...then what? for what purpose? to prove what? to prove that we can do it?

    Yes, I'm scared deep down inside, I wish this was a battle/game that I (we)could play forever and keep winning but at and for some of us, there will be an prove our non existence....I dunno.....what are you thinking?

    Please at least get some diluted juice in.....
  17. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    You know that I would not be so foolish as to dehydrate myself or let my electrolytes become unstable..The rules of the game are clear to me..That hiding the signs is as important as getting the result..

    There is always weight to lose, believe me..Just consider it trimming off the excess to leave the (Pardon the expression) bare bones behind..

    Besides, as an Englishman a cup of tea is far better than juice (Such an American beverage) at restoring oneself..

    This is my journey..Sometimes I allow others to join me on the road but ultimately I choose my direction & speed...
  18. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I feel the need to apologise to those I have struck out to on this forum (You know who you are) In my blind anger I feel as if I have hurt those who care the most for no other reason than ignorance & frustration..I am so sorry..

    I beg your forgiveness & understanding
  19. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I don't feel offended by your honesty Sweetness...your real feelings and thoughts are so important and I can only say that I honor them and that it enriches our relationship many deep feelings and is unconditional, healing and understanding? I will gladly offer my love to you.

    I hope you are resting.....:kris:
  20. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    This may well be my last post for a few days as tonight marks my return to another run of night duties & all that they entail..

    It has taken all my willpower not to allow myself to starve any further or faster than I already have (I am now resorting to layering clothing to give the impression of bulk) but I know in my heart that each shift will mean another pound or two gleaned from my frame and the continued deceptions that it takes to keep my mistress a secret..

    To those who have posted, thank you once more..
    To those I have supported, stay safe my friends, your welfare means more to me than you can imagine..It is almost like I vicariously live through you as a way of escaping my own life..Remember that whilst I am gone..

    At least I know that whilst I work I will be doing what I was put on this earth to do..Saving lives..But the only life I have no interest in saving is my own

    Peaceful thoughts to you all
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