How to escape

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by blueskyx, Dec 1, 2014.

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  1. blueskyx

    blueskyx Member

    I have a huge exam this year, and when I was a kid, I really want to get high marks for this exam, if possible, getting all A this year. But I don't know... I lost motivation to study. My marks dropped dropped and... dropped. I began to aim not really high, but... I can't stop thinking how people will react to my grades. They all expect better from me- Sometimes I regret for being such an enthusiastic kid back then.

    I feel like an idiot, I feel really empty. Not only because of my studies, but also my friends... I feel like they can't understand me. I keep being hurt over and over for silly reasons, but I still smile anyway. Every night is hell for me. I used to cut, but I stopped, though I relapsed every once in a while, and I can't throw my blade away... Now I'm currently waiting for my result, which will be out the next three months, and I don't know if I did my best to study last time, but I remember trying to fight bad thoughts every time I tried to study. I feel empty, so empty... This holiday, I tried to 'escape reality' by playing games, but whenever I come back to 'reality', I just feel like I want to give up. I don't even know why should I live anymore, or why I should try hard. I feel like, even if I achieve my goal, will I really be happy? I talked to my counselor before, and I don't know, I think I feel like I don't want to share this feeling anymore. I don't know what's right or what's wrong anymore- I don't know what I'm able to do anymore, I feel like everyone is better than me. I like writing, but I feel like no one will like my writings that I feel like my writings get bad day by day- I hate this world day by day- I feel like I want to disappear. Tomorrow is my birthday but I feel empty about it.
  2. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    Hello blueskyx.... I am sorry that you are feeling so low right now. It seems as if the holiday season bring a lot of people down for one reason or another.

    I like you have always place high stakes on my grades be it in high school or college. I have always had a 4.0 until about the last year. Currently I am sitting at a 3.5 and it is driving me crazy but it is what it is. I have recently quit school with only 9 months until I had my doc. in addition therapy. I have had so many negative comments about dropping out so close and the comments hurt. However, I am the one that has to live with the way that I live my life, I am the one that has control. I used to really care about what others thought of me but as time as gone on and those people who were supposed to be there to love and care for me started breaking me down because of choices I have made, it seems less important. I have to live for me, not for others. In the end, me is all that I have.

    I think for a person who suffers from depression it is harder for us to make friends because unless they walk the same path they do not understand. I like you can not throw my blade away, it is my escape and release and at times the only way that I know how to deal with the self hatred that I carry toward myself. In time I know that my my self harm will stop but it could be after I have left this world. Not one person in this world is better then the other, we all have our faults and failures, it is how we overcome those faults that makes us the person that we are.

    Are you still talking with your counselor? I hope that you have a good relationship with them because that can make a world of difference in how open you can be with them. If writing makes you feel a little better than please keep doing it. I do a lot of writing and no one reads them which is ok because I got whatever I was writing about out of my head and in the open where I can see it and start to deal with it. If you ever wanted to share your writing with me I would gladly read them. Some of the things that I write if the wrong person got a hold if it would have me locked in a mental ward for the rest of my life.

    Please feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk. Sometimes just knowing that there is someone there if even to listen can make you feel better. Happy early birthday to you :birthdaycake:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, just want to say that I read your post and sending well wishes. I know what it is like for people to not understand, that's why it's so important to get professional help, those people will understand and help you though this. Good luck and just KNOW you are not alone in the battle. Keep talking to the counselor or consider getting a new one! No giving up!
  4. blueskyx

    blueskyx Member

    thank you so much! :) Yeah, I have to choose not to care what others will say... It's been a while since I talked to my counselor though, but I'll try to contact her again :) and thank you very much for the birthday greeting :sweetiepie:
  5. blueskyx

    blueskyx Member

    thank you, and yes I won't give up :)
  6. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Happy Birthday!

    Don't be too down about your grades- there are years we do well and achieve more, and years when we don't. In the long term honestly it doesn't matter. I have a high IQ but due to years of mental illness had to give up studying for a long time, never even got a degree. But my talents didn't change, just the way I was able to use them, and I have a very good business now and love my work.

    You'll work it out.
  7. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Exams are not everything. Winston Churchill did not do well at exams and had to fight the whole way. He said (about exams) "They always tried to ask me what I did not know. When I would have willingly displayed my knowledge, they sought to expose my ignorance.".

    But I think he made a success of his life. :)
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