I have a huge exam this year, and when I was a kid, I really want to get high marks for this exam, if possible, getting all A this year. But I don't know... I lost motivation to study. My marks dropped dropped and... dropped. I began to aim not really high, but... I can't stop thinking how people will react to my grades. They all expect better from me- Sometimes I regret for being such an enthusiastic kid back then. I feel like an idiot, I feel really empty. Not only because of my studies, but also my friends... I feel like they can't understand me. I keep being hurt over and over for silly reasons, but I still smile anyway. Every night is hell for me. I used to cut, but I stopped, though I relapsed every once in a while, and I can't throw my blade away... Now I'm currently waiting for my result, which will be out the next three months, and I don't know if I did my best to study last time, but I remember trying to fight bad thoughts every time I tried to study. I feel empty, so empty... This holiday, I tried to 'escape reality' by playing games, but whenever I come back to 'reality', I just feel like I want to give up. I don't even know why should I live anymore, or why I should try hard. I feel like, even if I achieve my goal, will I really be happy? I talked to my counselor before, and I don't know, I think I feel like I don't want to share this feeling anymore. I don't know what's right or what's wrong anymore- I don't know what I'm able to do anymore, I feel like everyone is better than me. I like writing, but I feel like no one will like my writings that I feel like my writings get bad day by day- I hate this world day by day- I feel like I want to disappear. Tomorrow is my birthday but I feel empty about it.