How to get sincere help...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by CONFUSED1, Dec 13, 2009.

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    CONFUSED1 Guest

    I know this may all sound cliche, stupid, or what not, but I would really like some opinions...

    I don't want to die, but sometimes I feel like there just isn't anything else for me to do. I've thought about suicide for almost a year now.

    I'm a 33 year old man. About a year ago, I lost my job and had to move in with my parents. They have always been somewhat controlling, but the past year has been terrible.

    I don't drink, don't do drugs, I'm even doing consulting jobs here and there, helping them out with what little money I make. Its hard in this economy, and especially where I'm located.

    When I lost my job, I felt about as low as I've ever felt. Because of my experience and education level, I'm pretty much "overqualified" for any of the jobs out there now. Can't really afford to go back to school(when I lost my job, I missed student loan payments and don't qualify for any sort of financial aid, plus they blocked my university transcripts so I can't apply for any job which requires them ie adjunct faculty jobs etc).

    But I could cope with that. I have no choice. However, waking up every day to being called a son of a bitch, worthless, failure, by my father ever day for a year. Yelled at constantly. My mom is actually worse. Both lay guilt trips on me all day. I know its because they're controlling, but it just takes a toll on me.

    I know it doesn't sound like much. But it takes a toll. Some times I'll just lay in my bed almost shaking, sometimes I pray I don't wake up because the first thing I hear when I do is what a failure I am.

    I've tried to tell my parents that they're driving me towards suicide, that I can't live like this anymore. That I feel drained, can't concentrate, can't do anything. I feel enough like shit without spending my days being yelled at and called names.

    I've tried what few services there are but was turned off by them. Religious groups more interested in converting me than helping me. Counselors who repeat rehearsed lines about how they "care" and how "I matter." But nothing sincere.

    I live in a somewhat shallow area. Once my job disappeared and I moved back home, my acquaintances disappeared as well. I pretty much realized I had no real friends. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm stuck here.

    I just want to be treated like a human being. Its to the point that when I go to the store or something and someone smiles, I don't even know how to react anymore. I feel like an empty shell... I don't want to die but I can't handle the pain day in day out. Is it asking too much to just want to be treated like a human being so I can feel something again? But I know I won't get that at home.

    I've thought of just getting some heroin and ODing. I'd go to my favorite restaurant, have a last meal, take a walk on the beach at night and just shoot up enough to kill me... at night so that the chances of being found soon enough to be revived would be slim. I researched it, when you OD on it, you supposedly have the best feeling you've ever had in your life right before you black out.

    I guess I sound crazy. But not being able to stand on my own feet, nowhere to go, and being treated like this by my own parents, just hurts a lot. It's one thing to have a fight every now and then, or to be treated like this once in a while. But on a daily basis... it's really different.
  2. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Your feelings are understandable, your reasons for committing suicide are not. What would that achieve? You're letting your parents win. They are not worth it.

    Can you keep your distance from the house, staying there as little as possible? Do you respond to your parents when they berate you? Do you have any money at all? Why don't you move out and go to a homeless shelter? Being without many material amenities sounds a hell of a lot better to me than emotional abuse.

    It's clear you have to get out of this environment, and therapy won't make the situation any better.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    The first step you need to take is to go to your local hospital emergency and tell them that you are sucidal and have a definite plan or method. They can get you into the pward and get you the help you are looking for.

    Once there the staff can help you to find resources that will help you with the situation in your parents home. Resources that can help you find housing. Resources for support and help outside of the hospital. Help through a pdoc with getting you meds that will help you cope a little better. Maybe even an outpatient program that will offer you ways to cope better with your parents and how you feel about yourself. If it is sincere help you are looking for then the first step is the hospital. Good luck.
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