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How to give a cat a pill..

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How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, FORCE mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto cat's neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band, close cat's mouth and hold shut to the count of 30.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT. Hold cat's head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

worlds edge

Well-Known Member
Funny. And funny how while there's some truth to this there're also some exceptions. We had a purebred Dalmatian bitch that was dumb as a post while at the same time being cunning beyond belief. (Never knew such a combination was possible, goes to show what I know.) She'd find a way to spit her pills out no matter what you did: peanut butter, baloney, bacon, "special" dog treats designed to hold pills, cheese, you name it. The problem (for her) is that she'd always spit them out right in front of you, after she had finished with the treat. So we always had to go the stick in the back of the throat with the head up routine, which worked. She never seemed to catch on that if she'd walked away we might actually have not noticed.

And we have a neighbor with a fat cat that literally eats anything put in front of him. We joke he's half dog the way he'll go after just about anything. They have zero problem giving him his pills.


Antiquitie's Friend
number 3 is really true, in a pack of 6 pills 5 of them get splattered on the kitchen floor, i sneak up behind my cat and grab him, then worm him really quickly before he has a chance to know whats going on.
to worm my sisters cats would sometimes involve upto 3 people :laugh:


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
After surgery to restore me arms, took cat to vet and vet gave him his meds intravenously :laugh:


Staff Alumni
:laugh: this is so very very true.. i ended up giving up and taking my :cat: to the vet for her pill..

Recently i had to give her eyedrops.. it took me and my mum to hold her down and do it..

Good job my lil kitty is so cute ;)
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