How to learn to see the good in myself

Witty_Sarcasm

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SF Supporter
#1
So I have BPD among other things. If you don't know much about the disorder, fear of abandonment and being clingy are part of it. I try my hardest not to let these things sabotage my relationships with people, but it usually ends up happening. I'm afraid of losing people, and if I don't hear from them at all, I think something bad happened to them, or they are sick of me. It's not a baseless feeling, because I have been ghosted many times and many people I know have died. So I don't think the feeling is completely unreasonable, but I realize it may be irrational, so I tamp it down. When people let me know they will be busy, I feel more assured and don't get scared. Anytime someone thinks I'm good, I can't see it. I can't help but think of the times people seemed to care, then I was deemed crazy, clingy, annoying, too much to deal with, etc. And even if I don't show these traits, I think everyone will get sick of me somehow. If I send more than one message checking up on someone every few days, I just think maybe they'll be like "Oh this chick is psycho, need to drop her now". So I vacillate between no contact and maybe too much contact. Lately though, I've been quiet because I'm deathly afraid to lose more people by just caring too much. If they aren't sick of it now, I think they will be at some point, and I feel bad for them for having to deal with my damaged ass. No matter how bad I'm feeling, I don't want to open up, because I don't want to dump my issues on them. Especially if they have more than enough of their own. It's hard to see myself as good in any aspect when I have just been seen as "bad" for a large majority of my life. I try to see things differently, but when you've been conditioned to see yourself in a certain way, it's hard to redirect those feelings.
 
#2
The title sounds like you want an answer/advice, but this is in the rmi forum, so I'd first like to clarify what sort of feedback, if any, that you want.

Hugs Witty
 

Dante

Git
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#4
I struggled to see myself as a good person when I was depressed so I got clinical about it and considered all my deeds and even did extra things so that in the end I would have 1 or 2 things I could point at and say "THIS is unquestionably a good deed", "THIS person would have suffered more if I werent here". Finding 1 or 2 concrete cases that I couldnt in all honesty dismiss helped ground me and force me to take a more balanced view on myself.

Im not suggesting some grand sacrificial gesture, but there must be something in your past that you can point at as a solid and irrefutable "good deed". It may take some time to realise it, good people tend to write these off as just "what had to be done" but I think it helps.

As for people, I think everyone has their own level of contact requirement. I once tried to date a girl who turns wanted to chat on the phone for 3-4 hours a night, which was WAY WAY more than I could cope with at the time, whereas I often wonder if my friends think I forgot about them between my calls. I sometimes worry about how much I should call, though in my case its usually more than I do, but how MUCH more? how much is too much? If you can try to figure out how often they chat to people it can help gauge how often they would be comfortable being chatted to.
 
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MAC0

Y.N.W.A
SF Supporter
#5
For me this is one of the hardest questions i had hope therapy would get me over my self hate issues my self worth issues and get me to a point of seeing a future after surgery but as i posted in another theard that did not work out right as i am on my own with no real support at home from mum its even worse

how do i see myself i dont see a good person so much now as i have been taken advantage of so much in life i kind of see that as a weakness i also am sick of not being the real me when i meet people and putting on a personality that i think people will like

so if you ever find out how let me know please
 

SillyOldBear

Teddy Bears Rule! 🐻
Staff Alumni
#6
So I have BPD among other things. If you don't know much about the disorder, fear of abandonment and being clingy are part of it. I try my hardest not to let these things sabotage my relationships with people, but it usually ends up happening. I'm afraid of losing people, and if I don't hear from them at all, I think something bad happened to them, or they are sick of me. It's not a baseless feeling, because I have been ghosted many times and many people I know have died. So I don't think the feeling is completely unreasonable, but I realize it may be irrational, so I tamp it down. When people let me know they will be busy, I feel more assured and don't get scared. Anytime someone thinks I'm good, I can't see it. I can't help but think of the times people seemed to care, then I was deemed crazy, clingy, annoying, too much to deal with, etc. And even if I don't show these traits, I think everyone will get sick of me somehow. If I send more than one message checking up on someone every few days, I just think maybe they'll be like "Oh this chick is psycho, need to drop her now". So I vacillate between no contact and maybe too much contact. Lately though, I've been quiet because I'm deathly afraid to lose more people by just caring too much. If they aren't sick of it now, I think they will be at some point, and I feel bad for them for having to deal with my damaged ass. No matter how bad I'm feeling, I don't want to open up, because I don't want to dump my issues on them. Especially if they have more than enough of their own. It's hard to see myself as good in any aspect when I have just been seen as "bad" for a large majority of my life. I try to see things differently, but when you've been conditioned to see yourself in a certain way, it's hard to redirect those feelings.
I think the first thing to remember is that ALL OF US have damaged asses. Some of us are just more honest about it then others. I remember that you were the first person I hooked up with when I joined SF. Trying to keep each other cheerful over the holidays. You are such an incredibly nice person. And dedicated. I am amazed by how you stick with your mother, even though she can be a major pain. I know I am not sick of you. Feel free to pm me anytime. Just remember I am still a working stiff and may not get back to you right away. You see, there are reasons why people don't always respond as quickly as we would like. And reasons can be very valid. They are not necessarily avoiding you. And, like you, I usually see myself as a bad person. I wish I know how to change that. If I ever figure out a way, I will certainly share it with you. Keep at it Witty. You are a good and valuable person.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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SF Supporter
#9
You're valuable to me. I've been quiet too, it's been a busy summer. But I know we're friends, I hope you know that too, and we always have the ability to pick up right where we left off.
Thank you, and I'm sorry if I've been quiet too. I tend to isolate when I'm feeling this way. I think maybe I'll bring people down and don't want to burden them.
 

WildCherry

Owner Emeritus
#10
You're valuable to me. I've been quiet too, it's been a busy summer. But I know we're friends, I hope you know that too, and we always have the ability to pick up right where we left off.
Thank you, and I'm sorry if I've been quiet too. I tend to isolate when I'm feeling this way. I think maybe I'll bring people down and don't want to burden them.
You would never burden me. But I know sometimes I'm really bad at being the one to reach out first. I've always struggled with that, I don't know why.
 

WildCherry

Owner Emeritus
#12
You would never burden me. But I know sometimes I'm really bad at being the one to reach out first. I've always struggled with that, I don't know why.
It's ok, because I'm the same way. I know you're always there though, and so is the site, and that means a lot to me.
No wonder we get along so well. We have certain things in common!
 

Yellowmellow

Well-Known Member
#14
I was abused as a child and neglected. As a result suffered damage to my brain and heart which was preventable but my parents just never cared, so now I have a life long condition which will shorten my life. Then one week ago I had to go through a termination because my body now fucked up by my parents, neglect, means if I carried the baby to term I would die. So I never got to hold my baby and will never ever be able to try for another baby.
 
#15
I am so so sorry to hear this Yellowmellow :(*hug Giving you hugs and care, it is really not fair how cruel life can be. you did not deserve that at all, you deserved to have your emotional and physical needs met as a child. You deserved to be loved and treated with kindness . Im so sorry about your baby, your baby will always be inside your spirit and heart, never forget that <3. My heart is with you, I too am also a victim of abuse and neglect as child and understand how much that screws up your life and mental health and how it builds up walls. It is not your fault, You are a strong and brave woman, im wishing you nothing but happiness and love! *hug10



I was abused as a child and neglected. As a result suffered damage to my brain and heart which was preventable but my parents just never cared, so now I have a life long condition which will shorten my life. Then one week ago I had to go through a termination because my body now fucked up by my parents, neglect, means if I carried the baby to term I would die. So I never got to hold my baby and will never ever be able to try for another baby.
 
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