I don't think she understood that she was the only friend I ever had; nor do I think she knew that I couldn't tell her that because I didn't want to force that kind of weight on any one person. I live in California; she lives in New York. We met five years ago on a website for "arty" people, and since then she had been solely responsible for staving off the loneliness that comes naturally with being a twenty-four year-old chronic fuck-up like me. Even if she had never been one for sentimentality or long, meaningful chats, most of the time, just knowing someone was at the other end of the the screen, even if we didn't talk for days, was enough. Still, it would have been nice to have a friend who didn't ignore me, change the subject, or simply sign off whenever I was feeling the least bit down. Especially a friend for whom I've always gone out of my way to be kind to, be attentive and responsive to, and to fucking give money to so she could spend it on her significant other. Oh well. I don't mean to paint her as a villain. She's not, and never was. She's genuinely nice, and was responsible for guiding me out of some pretty arcane and backwards social and political views. I'd thank her for that if I thought she had the stomach for sentimentality. She doesn't. Anyway, I "defriended," blocked, "unfollowed," whatever her today. She doesn't need me. That much has always been clear. She's always has other friends to fall back on; she always could afford to take certain liberties with our friendship that way. I, having only the one friend, could not. Today, I was feeling particularly down. We were talking about Skyrim, and a little about politics, and a little more about this short story another internet acquaintance wanted me to read (it's terrible). I've always liked talking to her. Just talking. It was easy and comfortable. I mentioned briefly that I was feeling down, that I though I would never complete these projects I'm working on, and how I was feeling incredibly uneasy and incompetent therefore. She signed off almost immediately, presumably to play more Skyrim considering her Steam account was still online. Facebook, too, so this wasn't a power outage, or anything. Am I wrong to have taken offense to that? Am I wrong to expect little more than a ":/" or an "I'm sorry" out of someone who claims to be my friend? Am I? I can't believe I am. Yeah, I felt slighted, so in a storm of depression I broke off as many avenues of communication that we had. Maybe I plan to make contact in a few weeks to see if she still values my company after some time away from my petulant attitude. Maybe not. I don't know. But the worst part of it all is that I know that presently, she is talking to one of her other friends about how petty and childish I am. How artless and shallow I've always been. And now, realizing that the only person I've had the privilege of calling a friend was by all accounts most likely never a one, I've come to a website for suicidal people, and for that reason. Sorry for how much this rambles on. As you may have read, I don't think I'm the best of communicators.