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How To Mess With Telemarketers (and sundry)

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by FoundAndLost1, Feb 19, 2008.

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  1. How To Mess With Telemarketers

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

    12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
    17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder...

    20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every single word down.

    * * *​

    Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when
    they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens.

    5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

    12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!

    14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!

    And; last, but not least!…

    15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    * * *​

    Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, Ask If They want Fries with That.

    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

    5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

    6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

    7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

    8. Don't use any punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

    10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

    11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

    12. Sing Along At The Opera.

    13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme

    14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

    15. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

    16. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking Lot, Yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

    17. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I laughed out loud :rofl:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :rofl: haha really good
  4. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    i worked at best buy for a while on the night shift. someone programed 10 alarm clocks to go off at 2 in the morning. from about 210- 230 i went through all of the clocks to turn them off, and make sure no more were programmed to go off.

    good use of company time.
  5. :hysterica

  6. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.


    I must try this one:biggrin::laugh:
  7. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    Too funny- We all get messed w/ SO much. What fun to find basically harmless ways to strike back. The telephone calls I don't mess w/ much except to answer on occasion and tell the caller that a person w/ a terminal illness (life) resides on the premises and that our number should be added to their no-call list. What idiots.
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Some of them are too funny :laugh:
  9. Here's yet another way! Thanks to Mark_uk for posting this in the "Joke/Funnies" thread. I laughed so hard my FACE hurt!! And I had to listen to it AGAIN, for the same reason!!


    Last edited: Feb 22, 2008
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    lol :laugh:
  11. This is more for all that infernal JUNK MAIL we receive, often from far-off places where English is obviously not the sender's first language. I actually enjoy reading a lot of them because they're so poorly written, yet they're trying SO hard, it makes me laugh! And since I'm now studying how to teach ESL (English as a Second Language), I thought, well, if ya' can't beat 'em, join 'em!

    It makes me laugh every time I send a reply (and heck - they already have my e-mail address anyway!). So far, no takers (but who knows)...and like spam is fair turnabout and cathartic! :biggrin:

    Dear Management (insert sender's name),

    I am a professional English teacher. For $75 (deposited into my online monetary transactions account), I will take the time to correct your letter in order to make it appear legitimate, and hence more believable. This may be profitable for both of us, yet would be a small investment for yourself. Please duly consider this genuine offer, and reply at your convenience.

    (my name)
  12. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

  13. Hey - feel free to "copy & paste"! :biggrin:
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