How to move on? (scars on both forearms)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Honey Pie, Aug 30, 2012.

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  1. Honey Pie

    Honey Pie New Member

    Hi everyone. If someone told me a month ago that I'll be asking for help on this forum I would just laugh in their face. I'm a 21 y/o female. Unfortunately, I attempted suicide this past month. I still can't believe I did it and I'm really sorry about it. I'll never ever do anything like that again. You could say my life was perfect but I had one serious problem that I couldn't deal with alone and I was stupid enough not to seek help. Then something really bad happened and I just snapped. I should probably mention that I was drunk and would never EVER do anything like this if I were sober. I was never depressed or anything, and according to all the tests I'm mentally okay and stable, which is even worse because if I had a mental illness it would at least be understandable. Right now I feel terrible. I'm so ashamed of myself and I don't want anyone to know about it, but unfortunately I have some pretty nasty scars on my forearms that allegedly can't be removed so I'm probably stuck with that for the rest of my life. Tattoo is not an option either because it wouldn't be accepted in my future job.
    I used to be fun to be with and I enjoyed company a lot, but now I'm terrified of being with people. I know what the general opinion on this thing is - I too always thought it's the most cowardly and selfish thing anyone can do, and now that I've done it I don't know how to cope with that. I'm seeing a doctor for this and she says people often make irrational things under certain circumstances and that I have to forgive myself. I know I do but I just can't see how. I caused my family so much pain and I feel like crap. It would be a lot easier without those stupid scars. Now that I have them I could just tattoo "COWARD" on my forehead and it wouldn't make much difference. I don't want this thing to affect my career or personal life, but I can't really focus on my studies and, honestly, I can't imagine how anyone could date me again, let alone marry me. I'm trying to fight depression as much as I can but it's not easy and I really don't want to be put on antidepressants. I'm thinking about how I'll finally go to bed all day and then I can't sleep at night at all. I feel like I don't have the right to be happy. When I laugh (not very often though) I almost feel guilty. It's terrible, and I know I have to deal with this because it was all my fault, but I just don't know how right now. I want to be my old self again and I don't want to lose my friends or to be treated differently because of this. The scars are the biggest issue right now. If it weren't for them I would be all smiles and happy that I'm alive.
    So my question is, if you've ever experienced this or know someone who did, how did you deal with the depressive thoughts and self loathing? How to hide/explain/learn to live with the scars? Is it even possible to live a normal life after something like that? Or how would you deal with it if you had this problem? I love life, I will never do anything like this again, under any circumstances. I just need to find something positive in this situation or I'll go nuts. And please no harsh comments, I feel bad enough already. Thanks a lot.
     
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    I cant tell you i completely understand what you are feeling. That would be bullshit, because noone can. But i can empathise alot. I am a cutter, and am looked down on alot because im thought of as an average teenage cutter looking for attention. It creates alot of scars, and plenty of self loathing. I have large scars on my arms, and when i look at them i have a hard time with myself. Its hard to look past them, but you need to. Try to avoid looking at them until you can get past these feelings you have, to where you can accept and forgive yourself again. Its not a solution, but a short term coping mechanism. you do need to forgive yourself- unfortunately, like most things, it is easier said than done. Its hard to focus on your studies, but try to look forward to that, looking into the future, not dwelling on the past. Everyone does something they regret their whole life, yours is different than most people's but is is just that. You wont ever cease to regret it, but you have to learn from it. You lived. Take it and run with it, because you obviously deserve to live, and you deserve to have a life a future. Not to suffer. As for family and friends, it will take a while for them to come to terms with what has happened. All you can do is sit down with them in a controlled situation and discuss it. Ask them to be open, and you do the same. Ask them not to judge, not to lie about feelings, and you do the same. Lying and avoiding the feelings created by an event like this can cause alot of pain and hurt. Everyone needs to focus on healing that and recreating the trust. Family will probabally be more open to this type of thing, as for friends: i know its chiche but the good ones will stick with you, and the worthless ones will leave. The right man will be able to look past the scars and see you. Dont go looking for him, but be open to it.

    I hope i make some sense to you, for im only speaking what i feel, and have felt.
    IF you EVER need someone to talk to, either about something that has happened around it, the memories, or bad feelings im here to listen and talk. Feel more than free to pm me. i dont judge, i promise.

    i hope you find strength and peace,
    Thorn.
     
  3. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    Well I can understand your problem with scars. I am a cutter and I hardly have any healthy skin left on my forearms. From what I've seen the more you are ashamed of your scars the more people will mock you. Once you accept the marks on your body and your attitude changes people will pay less attention to that. It is possible to live a normal life with scars - I recently found myself a boyfriend and he doesn't mind my scars.
    It is true that due to the scars, what you did will never be completely forgotten, but it doesn't have to have a big impact on your future, your life and your relationships with people. If you believe that there is much more to you than the marks on your forearms, other people will believe it too, but if you reduce yourself to this stigma, not many will want to look beyond that.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If those scars were because you escaped from an horrific accident, would the world see them differently...maybe, but only because of the cues you give them about the scars...Thorny and Lady have given you extraordinary advise...maybe you can look at those scars and remember you made it and how proud you are to have come that far from that event...how we perceive things is our choice...if they cannot be removed, create an internal narrative that serves you positively
     
  5. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I have huge burn and surgery scars in my leg, with strangers, they look away immediately, pretending they were not looking at it, as they think is from an accident, but still, there is a rejection, today for the first time I wore shorts at a family and friends reunion and I could feel their looks of rejection, of why did you do it, you are so selfish, you are a fool, you are a sinner, you should be ashamed, why are you wearing shorts, you should cover it, pitty looks, etc, etc, if we asked them, they would all say they were not doing or thinking any of that, but we all know that what we did causes all mind of different reactions in those who know us.

    There are two ways to See things: the positive or the negative way, I try to go for the first one, although it is hard sometimes, at the gym, with strangers, I don't care if they look away, they are actually being kind to not look at it, if I talk to them, they look at me and don't even mention my scars; with the family and friends that know, I just put my chin up and don't let their looks bother me, I walk in front of them as if it was the most normal thing to have scars, I even tell them how I am doing and if they ask about my scars, I show them and let them touch it and explain to them that it is like normal skin, only if they ask though, I learn that if you talk about it without them wanting to know, they judge or tell you to not talk about it.

    I also burned my hand really bad, I didnt gJet ski graphs there, the scars were awful, but ever since the hospital, I've been using vitamin E oil and the scars are gone in most of the hand, give it a try.

    Another thing, I choose to see my scars like a mark of God of how lucky I am to be alive, instead of seen it like a sad reminder that woul depress me. By the way, I don't know if this is normal, but ever since my accident, I see scars on women and I think they are as sexy as a tattoo (no, I am not a weirdo, I guess it is because I have scars myself and I have learn to like them).

    I will pray for you to feel better.
     
  6. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    First let me say I'm glad you're still with us. You have survived a traumatic event - please be gentle with yourself right now.

    The scars, both physical and emotional, are very fresh and will fade over time. As one of the other posters has said, vitamin E will help. Also check with your local pharmacy for scar-reducing creams like Mederma. I've never used it, but have heard that it works well. As for work/school, it's nobody's business what the scars are from. Just out of curiosity - are they horizontal across your arms or vertical? If they are vertical, if they are still a concern once you get through school and into a professional work environment, and if anyone is nosy enough to ask about it, you could always say they're from an old surgery - things like carpal tunnel and various tendon surgeries are done vertically up the arm. Again, it's nobody's business, but that might give you a comfortable explanation to give people.

    As for future relationships...anyone who will not date you because you have scars is not worth your time. Having scars does not preclude being happily married. I have awful scars on my arm and am missing half a finger on the hand on that side from an accident I had as a child. Yes, the cause of the scars is very different, but they are still there. I have been married for 20 years and wore short sleeves at my wedding. You can move past this. It will take time and therapy, but you can do this.
     
  7. Honey Pie

    Honey Pie New Member

    Hey, thanks everyone. I feel slightly better now, though I'm still terrified of what to tell my friends and other people when they see the scars. I guess I'll have to make up some kind of accident including barbed wire or something like that. I don't know if it's plausible but I just can't imagine telling people what I did. I'm still so ashamed and I know everyone would judge me (which I understand completely). By the way, the scars are vertical and quite thin, I have two about 3 inch long scars on one hand and one of approx the same length on the other one. Unfortunately, they don't look like surgical scars (those should be straight, mine aren't). I was thinking about using plaster before the scars fade a bit, just not to freak people out by my zombie-like arms. Ugh, I'm still so p*ssed at myself for what I did. I wish I could just turn back the clock. How do I let people know that something like this will never happen again? I just don't want my whole life to be messed up because of this. I hope it gets better. Thanks again, and good luck to you all.
     
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    My take on this is to not make up stories or excuses, and to not hide this. The largest obstacle that we have to overcome as a society is the shame and the stigma surrounding suicide. Suicide awareness needs to be out in the open so that Suicide Prevention can begin to take place more efficiently. The general public is not aware of how prolific suicidal ideology is and it is not taken seriously enough.

    Next week in the U.S. it is National Suicide Prevention Week. I am preparing to help my county observe the week through various actions and a ceremony. The goal is to make more people aware that it is okay to reach out for help.

    Don't hide your scars in shame. There is nothing to be shameful of. You are not alone. Help others by setting an example that you can come out of this and find hope... and a reason to go on.
     
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