How to move on without giving up?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by qoqnos, Jun 26, 2016.

  1. qoqnos

    qoqnos New Member

    I've been suicidal for 12 years now...about 10 I stopped actively trying to end my life and decided to just wait for the end. Have had a death wish ever since. People hail me as a hero for jumping in front of cars to save people and taking on guys with guns and knives, but I'm always secretly hoping I'll lose...I gave up on love long ago. I've had people I like, and been with 30+ girls. The bdsm community is actually very life enriching...but...I met someone and felt things I didn't believe in anymore...I've known her for awhile but always thought of her as a little sister...after spending some time together, we are absolutely perfect for eachother in every way. Nobody has ever understood me or my thought processes. Same for her. She is autistic and people don't understand her. I do. Maybe I am too, who really cares. We spent a week together and I haven't felt happiness like that in over 15 years...we cuddled, held hands, went on walks, made dinner together...and...she is also asexual, and I'm a sex addict. 10-20 times a day for the last 15 years,even when sick. But when I'm with her, I think of nothing but her. Most girls it's pickup lines and dirty jokes. With her, it feels disrespectful. I had to face the possibility of never having sex again, and decided she was worth it. She told her brother we liked eachother a few days ago, and I figured it was time. I asked her out. She said no. Her friend went to find out wtf. And the girl comes out and looks at me and says "I like you, but like as an older brother and it would just be...weird"now I think she really DID have a crush on me or something and was confused and feeling it out, but when forced to confront her feelings, used logic to decide the best course with the least risk. Which I understand lol...but...I am trying to accept and be ok with this. I tried viewing it as I get to stay in her life forever this way, even through fights...we still hang out, we still hug and watch tv next to eachother touching. There's the occasional reasurring hand squeeze that lingers a little too long. We basically have the relationship we would have had but without the possibility of kissing I guess. And I can't stop feeling. And for once I don't want to. But I wish she felt...idk...I don't know how to get her out of my head. At work, at home, she's all I think about. I've had conversations in my head and written for hours and days probably NOVELS by now about how I feel and different scenarios that could
    happen and what to say to everyone about how I feel and I'm happy to just be in her life at all...but nothing is making me feel better. And I know that IF I even CAN get past this(the love never goes away, but maybe I can bury it), the emptiness I've been coasting through will be even emptier, now with gut wrenching,
    heart breaking pain added too. Add to that the psychological damage this is going to do to my already hopeless outlook on life...now it's more than hopeless and I need to escape from the ever constant pain. That reality got worse over the years while I was waiting and hoping for it to get better. The only thing holding all this at bay right now is me constantly lying to myself...maybe she just said that because she didn't want others to know her true feelings. Maybe she hasn't figured out her feelings yet and there's still a chance. Maybe once she gets to know me better she COULD love me...and yeah these are all pathetic...but if I don't believe those and live in pain every day, I'm done. I'm looking for another way...before I give up completely...and all the usual things don't work for me: I have no family. I have few friends and none of them know about my depression. I used to be apathetic to religion, which has evolved into active hatred(towards religions, not the people practicing them) and I am generally very logical. Although most people don't understand logic while thinking they do...I breezed through college with a 4.0...I'm basically a genius and these fluffy feel good hopeful sayings and pep talks don't work on me. I'm not going to discect them all and point out their flaws, because I don't want people they DO work for to see it and give up. Whatever works for you. But I need hard reasoning and facts(many people confuse opinions and published works, with facts). Are there any preventative measures I can take? I've tried distracting myself with 'fun' and friends...I had hours of sex with someone last night, and I feel worse...it feels like cheating on my love, even though we aren't together... I try to lose myself in my work, and end up losing my work. I'd try meditating or something and the mind clearing thing, but even Breathing seems like too much work. Plus, if I face reality...she IS my reality. My soulmate. Which I don't even believe in! But my entire being KNOWS she is it for me. A reason I can't just...keep trying is that I would be her first. I never want to pressure her into anything she isn't comfortable with. I love her too much. And if she isn't comfortable dating me, how does begging help? How does annoying her to death with logic help? How does tricking her into loving me help? That cheapens it. She fills me with happiness, hope. I GIGGLE around her. A nihilist giggling...I float!my heart soars, and I would tear out someone's throat with my teeth instinctually for even leering at her. My world is upside down, my world is her. And I don't think I will survive it being taken away...
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    In the end we cannot control how others feel and we should never try to. You said you felt like brother sister for a long time as well- just because your feelings changed doesn't mean hers has or ever will. If she is asexual then there is no point to a "greater" relationship anyway if you are actually alright with that - in the end if you take away sex/intimacy all any relationship is is best friends/ like a close family member type love so why do you need to put a label on it? If you are hoping that will change with a label then I suspect you will be even more deeply disappointed. If you are truly okay with no sex and she is worth it then enjoy having her as a best friend and knowing you have not had to give up that part of your life because calling her girlfriend will change nothing about the activities/things you can enjoy together, but will make it so it IS cheating and wrong to be with others. It seems this is not about what you have but what you want to call it or label it that is the problem if you can already go places, hang out together, cuddle, enjoy everything else. Trying to call it something else I am sure make her think you want more from it as well- otherwise is no point in changing the title. I suspect this is why she said no and made clear this was as much as the relationship was going to progress.
     
  3. qoqnos

    qoqnos New Member

    Thanks...she doesn't talk to me or
    Look at me anymore...when she has to, it's quick and annoyed. I'd apologize but she never even glances in my direction and keeps headphones on at all times...I should
    Never have said anything...I shouldn't have listened to ppl encouraging me to go for it,..your words make sense. I just wish it wasn't too late to still have her in my life as ANYthing...