How to move on?

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Jessicadawn, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. Jessicadawn

    Jessicadawn New Member

    So I guess here is a little background story; My parents separated a year and a half ago. Shortly after, my mom moved out with my two brothers so it was just me and my father. We were never close but being stuck together forced us to make a bond. In December 2010, I came home at 3a.m and found my father after he had hung himself in the garage. Needless to say, it was a pretty traumatic experience (I was 20 at the time.) Ever since, my life has been a mess.

    I've tried meds; they only masked the pain, but never got rid of it, so I have been off of them since. I finally found the strength to leave home and go away to college to pursue my dream of being a physician assistant, and in the process found a great therapist who calls me everyday just to make sure things are going alright. My relationship with my mother is strained because I partially blame her for just up and leaving my father for someone else, and now I am just her emotional punching bag and she just moved a guy into our home. Which, might I add, the man who moved in is the limo driver that my mother rented for me for my 21st birthday who just left his wife for her. Life works in some fucking weird ways. She used to be the best mother in the world, but now she only feels the the way to show her love is with money, which is absolete when all I want is her to be proud of working my ass off in school and work. It's sad when my therapist is more excited for me to pass tests than my own mother.

    I guess I'm more on here to vent my life story, since I really don't have much of a support system anywhere else. So, sorry if this sounds like a hot mess of a thread.

    It's so hard to not have the parent I relied on here anymore. I can only ask why did he do this to me, why did he leave me to find him, why didnt he leave a note or a reason why? How come I don't get to have a dad to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and where is he to talk shit about my mom when she pisses me off. I can't deal with it anymore and I'm more scared than anything that I'll end up doing something stupid and hurt myself. More than anything I want to give up and be with him. My mom doesnt care, no one cares, really. Whenever I try to tell people they basically tell me to get over it. I have no idea what to do anymore; it feels like all of the hard work I put in is for nothing anymore.

    On top of it, I don't know what I'm going to do about the summer and living arrangements. I cannot live with my mother and this guy because I am still so upset about it, and I highly doubt I'm going to get over it anytime soon. Just when I start feeling like I'm healing the wound, my mom has to rip it open by telling me I'm not good enough, skinny enough, ungrateful, and a bitch. And apparently this is what other people feel like, because no one can just sit there and listen to me.

    Okay, I'm done ranting.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun iam so sorry your mother is hurting you so much hun Your father hun god knows what kind of emotional pain he was in when he left. He was not thinking hun his pain by then had overtaken any rational thoughts He did not want to leave you hun he didn't he just could not cope with the pain. Just know if he could of stayed he would for you. It sounds like you have a great therapist hun i am glad you have someone that does care about you. Is there anyone a relative a friend you can stay with for summer I don't blame you for not wanting to stay home. You vent all you want here okay hugs to you
  3. xnikox

    xnikox Member

    total eclipse i agree with you.She need to go somewhere,rest & think again about everything.that will recharge her batteries and give her a streinght to keep on.Jessica you dont need to live with your mother,go somewhere for summer and rest well and than you can make a decision.Wish you all the best...hugs
  4. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Jessicadawn I am sorry for what you have been going through, I am glad that you have a good therapist, they seem to really care for you .i hope you continue to share here and vent. hang in there
  5. ZacThomas

    ZacThomas Member

    It is very miserable to read your story. I think you should try to forget everything and focus on your carrier. You have to fully focus on your study if you want to became a physician assistant. Thanks.