How to proceed with break up?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Allan F, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. Allan F

    Allan F New Member

    Hi all, I'm stuck in a stressful situation and could use any advice.

    I have been dating my girlfriend for a bit over a year now. Things had been great for the first couple of months, but my girlfriend broke up with me because she "couldn't have a boyfriend" at the time. Days later, she came back and we got back together after some discussion. Normally I would stand my ground and not take her back, but she also suffers from mild depression so I chalked it up to her mental health and a moment of instinctual thinking.

    However, in the ensuing nine months, she's broken up with me more than a dozen times - literally, 12 at least - whenever she hasn't gotten her way. Again, she comes back almost immediately and I take her back every time out of consideration of her mental health. I'm not the best boyfriend, I admit, but there's clearly a pattern here.

    She broke up with me AGAIN about a month ago, and it wasn't until this time I decided that by now it was purely intended to manipulate and control me. I was going to hold her accountable. We didn't speak until about a week ago, and I told her that I'm not going to carry on like this unless she seeks some kind of therapy.

    She refused, so I said fine, enough is enough. No more mind games, no more relationship. Surely this sparked a huge emotional uproar that ended with me rushing to her apartment where she was drunk, had pills out on the table, and what appeared to be suicide notes on her laptop. I talked her out of it, though I am still not quite sure if this was going to be a real suicide attempt or just another threat to get me to comply. I got the impression that she planned on me showing up and finding her like that.

    This is where I need help. I want out, but she's holding me hostage on the premise that she'll take her life if our relationship is really over. I've tried again and again to convince her to seek help, and she continually refuses. I don't know how seriously to take her threats and how to move forward in general.

    Thanks so much for listening. I've been holding this in for some time now and it feels great just to get it out.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not your girlfriend's keeper!
    This sounds like blatant manipulation of the worst kind.
    Of course she must have serious issues to behave like this, but you are not the answer to them.
    I know I'm sounding harsh, but you aren't helping her by giving in and she will end up taking the both of you down.
    Time to call it a day I'd say and ignore any subsequent uproars.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Allan. She's using emotional blackmail, which is considered to be very abusive and unfair!

    If it is bringing you down to try and cope with her erratic moods and behaviors, it's time to think about what you want and need in a relationship and from a partner, and decide if she is the person who can be in that relationship with you. If not, it is likely less painful in the long term for you and for her to make a clean break. Slow, bit-by-bit break ups tend to mix up feelings and hope and dashed hope and everyone feels far worse than with clean breaks. (In my opinion anyway.)

    If she is unwell right now - too unwell to be coping with a relationship, too unwell to see that she needs some outside help? - are you willing to wait around to see if she eventually goes into and benefits from therapy? How long would you be willing to wait? What happens if she returns to the same manipulative stuff?

    Would perhaps find it more helpful (at least for yourself) to walk away sooner rather than later?

    Those are big questions and big decisions, and only you can figure out what will be the best for you. Sometimes we have to walk away; sometimes, it's okay to stay and "both" partners agree to work on themselves and the relationship.

    What will make your life better in the long run? As Terry said, you're not her keeper. I'm adding to that - you are your own keeper; so what kind of impact do you think staying with her would have on you - good or bad? Would it help make you a better person and partner if you stay, or would it only help her if you stay? (My questions are just ways to think through the options and possible outcomes. You don't have to reply to them here if you don't want to.)

    Keep us posted and ask for support anytime. I hope that whatever you choose works out really well for all concerned. *major hug*
  4. Allan F

    Allan F New Member

    Hi Terry and Acy,

    Thanks for the great advice. I actually sat down with her today and discussed the possibility of psychological treatment. Unfortunately, she doesn't want it, so I was pushed into making (my best attempt at) a clean break. I want to continue our relationship but I know that these episodes will also continue without some outside help, and like Terry said, I'm not the sole answer to them.

    She texted me about an hour ago and said that she was "doing what she had to do to be happy." My first thought of course was hurting herself, so again I rushed over to the apartment. It turns out she was just dancing in the living room with her dog. She assured me she would be safe after I threatened to call the police and I left after checking cupboards for any harmful pills.

    This is just ruining me. The thought of someone taking their life because of a decision I made has been hovering over my head since the first incident. I just want both of us to be able to move on. At the same time, I'm still very much concerned with her well-being - I feel like I walked away from the situation and carried with me the burden of being responsible for her continued mental health issues. She knows I'm going to come running whenever I feel she's in danger and I'm afraid that when I stop, she's actually going to do something. I'm just very stumped right now.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The more she knows she can frighten you into coming round, the more likely she is to do it.
    Try to take a step back.
    If she really wants to hurt herself or end it all there is very little you can do to stop it I'm afraid, but in no way will it be on your head.
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is really simple really- emotional blackmail is her problem and she is making it yours. Hold your ground and next time she calls or makes a threat of self harm call 911 and get her real help. I would consider giving her the courtesy of knowing that you intend to do that - in which case if she does that is her reaching out for help and you helping her get in touch with professional help she needs. Please do not continue to try to respond to it because that will result in an inevitable escalation until something seriously bad does happen to her while she is trying to manipulate you. Call the emergency services number if she threatens self harm in any way and let them deal with it (as well as her).