how to stop blaming yourself?

mutt

usually just talk in the chat rooms
#1
it's been years but it all comes flooding back and now i'm shaking and feeling like i need to throw up. get whatever vile feeling has crawled inside of me back out. i'm a different person. i don't have anything to do with them anymore. my friends liked them. some of my friends even knew them longer than i did. i couldnt tell them. but what does leave anyone to see in me. i cant believe i let them turn me into someone i hated. i let them do all of those things to me. i feel sick. only one person knows. i get told it wasn't my fault. and i know i'd tell anyone the same thing. but it's different because it's me. i was there and i saw it and felt it and it was a living nightmare but i thought it was normal. i was the strange one. i'm disgusted with myself. i feel absolutely defiled. i think i'd rather have my entrails torn out in the open than ever go through that again. i'm being dramatic. i'm a sexual assault survivor but i feel like i'm already dead.
 

mutt

usually just talk in the chat rooms
#3
I don't think that's true.



There's at least one book for CSA, but I'm not sure about adult sexual assault.

I'm sorry this happened Mutt.
it's okay i was a teenager at the time. i'll probably regret making a post about it later. i'm not used to talking about it. i just want to move on and forget it ever happened.
 

mutt

usually just talk in the chat rooms
#4
i'd rather just update this thread than start a new one. the memories are back. my friends knew this person and were on good terms with them. they don't know what that person did to me. thinking about it makes me feel sick. i feel like i'll never be able to tell them. i just want to move on and forget anyone who ever associated with them. but some of them are my friends and i can't just dump them when they might need me. god i don't know what to do. the past is haunting me how do i move on.
 
#6
i'd rather just update this thread than start a new one. the memories are back. my friends knew this person and were on good terms with them. they don't know what that person did to me. thinking about it makes me feel sick. i feel like i'll never be able to tell them. i just want to move on and forget anyone who ever associated with them. but some of them are my friends and i can't just dump them when they might need me. god i don't know what to do. the past is haunting me how do i move on.
can you try telling your friends? I'm sure they'd want to know, I'm sure they wouldn't want to associate with someone who abused you if they truly care about you. Maybe you could try telling them in a message if that's a bit less daunting then saying it face to face? sorry to hear you're struggling
 

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#7
What I’d be worried about and want to have some control over is the (your) future mental health. This terrible thing still torments you. I am sorry it happened. I’ve been assaulted and I know how trapped I’ve felt by it.
Could you see a therapist so that a start can be made on addressing the issues? I’m not sure anyone can just stuff this sort of trauma away & not have problems.

Take care.
- s.
 

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