it's been years but it all comes flooding back and now i'm shaking and feeling like i need to throw up. get whatever vile feeling has crawled inside of me back out. i'm a different person. i don't have anything to do with them anymore. my friends liked them. some of my friends even knew them longer than i did. i couldnt tell them. but what does leave anyone to see in me. i cant believe i let them turn me into someone i hated. i let them do all of those things to me. i feel sick. only one person knows. i get told it wasn't my fault. and i know i'd tell anyone the same thing. but it's different because it's me. i was there and i saw it and felt it and it was a living nightmare but i thought it was normal. i was the strange one. i'm disgusted with myself. i feel absolutely defiled. i think i'd rather have my entrails torn out in the open than ever go through that again. i'm being dramatic. i'm a sexual assault survivor but i feel like i'm already dead.