How to stop people blaming themselves?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Jan 29, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Any tips?

    I have been self harming pretty bad recently... I didn't know how to tell my LDR boyfriend... when I finally did he blamed himself... its hurt him greatly that he "wasn't enough" (his words!)

    He's supporting me the best he know... but it's so obvious he's hurt. We even had a bit of a fight... *raises hand* that I guess I started...

    When we found each other I warned him about this side of me... I practically told him to stay away... and he refused to listen. A fact I am happy with I have to admit.

    But... how do you help your loved ones when they suffer for what you did?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just tell him your actions are your actions and no is responsible for those actions but you. He cannot change you only YOU can do that and it is not his responsibility but your doctors to get you help you need to stop self harming
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  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Truthfully I think that the only way to help someone stop feeling bad when you hurt yourself is to not hurt yourself. I am not suggesting that is easy or simple - I am just saying that when you care for someone, you feel bad when they are hurt. There is nothing you can do to make that not happen. If you have intentionally hurt yourself, then I think that the other person feeling a bit angry is reasonable.

    If someone hurt someone I care about - punched them in the face or made them bleed for example - I would be furious with that person. How dare they hurt someone I love? And I would feel upset and hurt for the person I care about because they are hurt. When you love someone who self harms those two things get mingled up together.

    I think he will be hurt and upset any time you hurt yourself, because he cares about you. That is unavoidable. So the only way to help him not be hurt, is to not hurt yourself. So that is what you need to focus on. *hugs*

    Take care and stay safe.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I really do want to stop, now more than ever... I've pretty much tried to stop since I started the habit 13 years ago... before him no one could care less.

    When I was 16 my mum saw my scars and her only response was "you look like a zebra".

    I always wanted to stop for myself and now I want to stop for him too. It's not really something I enjoy doing (despite that sometimes the pain gets me somewhat 'high'). But it's nothing compared to what it feels like being loved by him.

    I just wish I could make it easier for him this time around.
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  5. Tell him that you need to talk about it. Let him start. Let him get out everything that he feels, why he thinks it's his thought, what goes through his head when he hears or see's that you've harmed again. Let him get angry, upset, cry if he has to. Listen to everything, then once he has said everything he can, tell him your reasons. Tell him why you feel you have to harm yourself. Tell him what goes through your head when you do it, after it happens, how it makes you feel. Tell him that you clearly want to stop, tell him what you just said in your post: you get a high, but it's nothing compared to him. He makes you feel higher than hurting yourself does. If he sees that you want to stop, if he knows your raw emotions about the subject, he might stop feeling like it's his fault, and start feeling like he can do something to help.

    I'm not sure if that's good advice or something you would be able to do, but I've always found that the best way to make people stop feeling guilty is to show them that they are not the problem or the cause, but they have the potential to be the solution. It sounds like you love him, a lot, and he clearly loves you to bits, so (as cheesy as it sounds) let him be the solution, let him know he's a bigger high than harming yourself. He needs to hear it.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much, I'll try to do that!
  7. that was also meant to be "why he thinks its his fault" not fault XD
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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