How to stop taking things so hard

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Aug 31, 2015.

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  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It seems like even when I encounter a small problem, it hits me a lot harder than it should. If I accidentally hurt someone, like telling a joke and they get offended, I can't stop beating myself up about it. When I make the smallest mistakes, it can send me into turmoil. People tell me it's not the end of the world, but it can feel that way to me. I am a pretty sensitive person, sometimes more than I need to be. I'm trying to find out how to forgive myself for making mistakes, which can still bother me even long after others have forgiven me. If anyone has any advice, it would be much appreciated.
  2. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    Me too.
    I think it triggers some kind of idea I have about myself. I try to remember that I am okay, not bad, don't have to fear that some bad thing is true about me because of the error. I just recently did something so stupid and have been hard on myself because of it. I didn't even realize I was being hard on myself. But now I see, I've been crucifying myself. I think its an echo from how you've been treated by someone important.... I think its a self punishing thing...

    For me just realizing I'm just treating myself the way "they" treated me helps. Because its not really my style. Its their influence.
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yeah it's weird, like why hate myself so much over a mistake? I wish I knew why and how it started, maybe then I could take steps to fixing the problem.
  4. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    No ones perfect, Not even me (I know it's hard to believe). We make mistakes, Were human! I try never to make the same mistake twice and I always admit if I'm wrong and not to big to apologise to someone. Everybody beats themselves up a bit when they mess up, So what. Don't dwell on what you got wrong, Make sure you focus on what you get right! The rewards are much greater.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yeah, I know you're right. Thank you for youe wise words as always :)
  6. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    I know what you mean. I am SO hard on myself to the point of hatred. I am 45 now and I can remember being this way since I was in grade school. I have always wondered... Is it possible to love others when you hate yourself? I find it very hard because of the self hatred plus if anyone was to say they loved me I would take it as either just a habitual thing people say because they have to (such as family members) or it is insincere. People just saying that too me just makes me uncomfortable. I guess I am just F'ed up, right?
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    One could also ask, is it possible for others to love you, if you hate yourself. I hate myself and have certainly found no one who loves me. I mean really loves me.
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It's not hard for me to love others but it can be hard for me to accept the love. I never have had a high opinion of myself and it makes me wonder what others see in me. But I am trying to break out of that mindset and realize I'm not half as bad as I perceive myself to be.
  9. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    You're not a bad person at all Witty!
  10. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Witty, I was amazed when reading your post mainly because I do the EXACT same thing. I'd almost dare to say in my case it's become an OCD thing simply because I do it EVERY time I open my mouth or do something. It's gotten very bad (to put it mildly)!!! It's like I find a way for what I do or say to be wrong, dumb or foolish. It's become frighteningly easy to do, and I can't stop doing it. It's a must now even though it's hurting me more than ever.

    I wasn't always like this. However, in my case, I do know how it began. It began within the past six years or so when I fell victim to a guys scam that nearly cost me my life in the free world. It definitely ranks in the top 5 of the most horrible things I've experienced. Now I can't stop pounding myself for being SO dang stupid for falling for it. However, in all fairness, I had just had an outpatient surgery literally a few hours before it happened, so I wasn't 'with it' (mentally speaking) at all. I couldn't be because I was under the influence of a few pain meds I had been given during the procedure, and had been under anesthesia during it as well. It was actually an ECT treatment I had undergone that morning. Nonetheless, I still feel like I should have been able to identify it regardless of my deteriorated state, and can't stop beating myself up over any and every little thing since.

    That's what my ultra sensitivity has done for me, and like you I wish I knew what I could do about it. People have said I need to forgive myself, and I have more times than I can count but still find myself doing it. This was an innocent mistake that has been abnormally difficult to bounce back from. I've never expected perfection from myself. To me that's just an unrealistic expectation, but that one error in judgement was exceedingly costly to me, in far more ways than most might ever conceive due to my sensitivity.

    All this to say, I wish I had some helpful suggestions for you, but afraid I don't. But I will say that I hope you find your way through this!!!

    All the best!!
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    ((hugs)) So sorry you are going through these feelings too. I just feel like a horrible person most times. Last night I hurt someone I care about, through my stupid actions. I cried so much and I couldn't stop. I can't even forgive myself for that. I can't stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, but at the same time, I feel I deserve all the bad that comes my way.
  12. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Let's be honest, I don't really know you, but I would dare to say that it's HIGHLY unlikely that you deserve bad things! I don't believe that any of us do to be quite honest. Now those that intentionally do things to hurt others that would be a different story, but to unintentionally do something harmful definitely doesn't deserve such things. I don't sense that you would intentionally do any harm to anyone, and I know I'm not that way, either, and yet somehow life keeps happening. I heard a saying recently that I've become particularly fond of - at least for right now. That is "Life feels like a test I didn't study for."

    I realize I'm too hard on myself, but I also have big expectations of myself even though that doesn't include perfection. Maybe, once again, it's time we both cut ourselves some slack, learn from our experiences, and move forward? How does your friend feel about what happened last night? Are they mad at you? Might they forgive you, sooner or later? (Base the answer on past responses from them, not what how one 'assumes' it'll go.) If someone we inadvertently offend can forgive us, do we not owe it to ourselves to forgive ourselves, learn from it, and move on?

    My situation sticks with me because there has been no evidence of forgiveness from anyone, so I can't help but think that maybe that's why I have such a difficult time on myself now. Can't help but think forgiveness is really the key to healing, for everyone involved in any situation it's required.
  13. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yes, he's already forgiven me, and he said I should forgive myself. It just seems difficult to do that for some reason. I always feel like I am to blame for everything. Things are fine between us, but I still feel this sense of failure and shame. I do need to move on from the past, and cut myself some slack at times. I am probably harder on myself than anyone else is. My emotions seem to be more intense than most peoples' and sometimes that can be hard to deal with.
  14. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I totally get that, and I'm especially glad to hear your friend is cool with you!!! That's a good friend!! That's definitely something to be grateful for!! I am ever so super glad for you about that!!! :)

    Did you know that those who've become the most successful in life had a tremendous number of failures before finally finding success? It's those 'failures' that taught them what doesn't work, and opened doors for new ideas that (eventually) did. But they never would have reached success if they had given up after the first failure or two or fifty, and I think we owe it to ourselves to do the same. How about you?

    I am to blame for a lot of things. I accept that, but I also realize and accept that I'm NOT to blame for even more. I don't want to carry on my shoulders what isn't appropriate to carry simply cause I know I have enough as it is. Why do we take on more than what is honestly appropriate? Is it because that's someone else's 'opinion' (NOT a FACT) that it's ours?

    More times than I care to admit it became much easier to just take the responsibility especially when no one else would (and that happened a LOT). Does that sound familiar? Speaking only for myself but at least then it seemed manageable (when I wear all the responsibility appropriate or not) even though I know that's not fair to myself, plus it helps me avoid confronting others. What do you think? Does it work this way for you, too?
  15. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Yeah, I am very grateful for his presence in my life. He told me he will always be there for me, no matter what. It is great to have someone in my life that loyal and caring. :) People forgive me more easily than I forgive myself. I wish I knew why things turned out that way. Something must have triggered it because it's been going on for as long as I can remember.

    I know that no matter how many failures I have, I'll keep going, because I can have success one day. I think that we should keep going no matter what happens, and not give up, because I think things will get better eventually.

    As far as taking blame...people usually take their anger and problems out on me, and I would usually sit back and take it. Growing up around fighting and stress, I can't handle it very well. So I usually just take whatever people throw at me, and if they get mad, I just assume it's my fault. I guess I feel I deserve to be treated badly somehow, since I am so used to it by now.
  16. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I totally know how it is to be the blunt of other people's anger and the like. I've lived that way for years upon years. Still do although admittedly I experienced much more while I was growing up. I was the 'soft' or 'easy' target, and just took it. I never argued or fought back because somewhere in my thinking I came to believe it was disrespectful to do so.

    However, I think the difference between you and I was I didn't assume it was always my fault. It was sometimes, but the vast majority of the time it wasn't. I'm thankful to say I could see it was them projecting their issues onto me, because as I said, I was the 'soft' or 'easy' target. It's still that way to some extent, people unloading or blaming me, but not quite as much as it used to be, but I admit it still gets to me - especially when someone is lying about me. That just ticks me off to no end.

    For me that's been a disadvantage of being a non-confrontational person. I'm not very good at confronting people probably because I haven't done it much, but I am thankful I have had a few people in my life, from time to time in recent years, that have been great at helping me learn how to do that. I would kindly confront them, and they would respectfully handle and take responsibility if need be. Those experiences have helped a lot although it's only been a few.

    I am so very glad for you that you have someone who will stick by your side no matter what!!! I think we all could use at least one friend like that!!
  17. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I started to feel like I deserved it somehow, so I didn't really fight back. Now if I do speak up for myself, people see it as me being rude somehow. But I don't think it is rude to not let people walk all over you. It's hard for me to confront people, because I feel like I am overstepping my boundaries somehow, but I have to learn that it's ok to do sometimes.

    I really am lucky to have him in my life :) I never thought I would meet people who would understand me and would accept me no matter what. It is good to know I don't have to be alone anymore, to deal with challenging issues all on my own.
  18. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    It does make sense that you would start to feel like somehow it was your fault, but would you believe me if I told you it wasn't? Reality is not everything can be one persons fault. It's impossible actually.

    I think people might see you speaking up for yourself as being rude simply because they're not used to you actually doing it. That and they're used to being able to do what they do without the resistance. They probably feel threatened by it (that's good in this case). It'll likely take a while, but eventually they'll come around and stop or get bored because you're not being their doormat anymore. You standing up for yourself is a good thing.

    I totally get the boundaries thing, too. That was part of my confronting people, as well. I was always worried about that, and still am to some extent, but you're right - it is okay to do sometimes. I'm trusting that the more I do it the more natural it'll become, and the better I'll get at it.
  19. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I know it's not all my fault, but I can't help but blame myself somehow. It just seems like if someone is unhappy with me, or something goes badly, it must be my fault, because nothing has ever really worked out for me so far. It's hard to see anything different.

    They may not be used to me standing up for myself, but they need to get used to it, because I can't take it anymore. My friend told me I need to stop taking on other peoples' problems, along with carrying my own, and being around negativity, because it will rub off on me. I am also cutting out people in my life who bring me down instead of lift me up, because I just don't need to be brought down even more.
  20. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    That's great you're going to be letting go of the negative peeps in your life!!!

    I found myself in a similar position right after my nightmare began over 6yrs ago. Ironically before all that I couldn't see how the 'friends' I had at the time were dragging me down. They were using me left and right - taking total advantage of my kindness and vulnerabilities. True and healthy friends don't do that! I still didn't see the full picture until I finally let them go, and experienced life without them. Only thing in my case, because I was so upset with them, I didn't even care if I met any other people. I just knew I needed to get them out of my life and did.

    Then about a month after closing the one door another one unexpectedly opened to far more friends than I had before, and none of them were out to use or abuse my kindness. They were encouraging and edifying. It made such a massive, positive difference in my life. It left me even more glad I closed the door to the negative ones.

    All that to say, kuddo's to you for taking that step!!! Settle for nothing less than those who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve (and yes, you do deserve it). You'll be glad you did.

    I also totally agree with your friend about not taking on other people's problems. Glad your friend spoke up about that.

    I don't know about you, but I've come to realize that who I'm around makes a huge difference in my mental health. I'm a very empathetic, understanding and sensitive individual, so who I consider friends is extremely important to my mental health. Doesn't mean my mental health issues have gone away, but having good, supportive and healthier friends does seem to limit the severity of my MH issues most of the time. It definitely doesn't make them worse.
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