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How will this all end?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SweetVitriol, Feb 7, 2010.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I really cannot think straight..
    It has been three days since I slept and tomorrow I begin another run of nights..My mind is racing whilst my body is in tatters yet I still cannot rest..

    My swings are becoming more and more rapid and with it comes the insomnia..Once again I am sitting here listening to the dawn chorus and wishing I could find some stability..

    How will this all end?
    I am nearly at the end of my tether... No one talks in the chatrooms.. I feel more like a social leper than ever before.. I want this to end..
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am around if you need someone to talk to!

    I get insomnia too and know all too well how lack of sleep is absolute torture and clouds your thinking.

    Can you tell me more about how you got to this place? Are you bipolar? You alluded to "swings" so that is why I asked.

    I am here and your not alone so write me back here or in PM if you prefer.
    Hugs Bambi
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I use to be exactly like you.. I would be up for three days and then crash for about five hours and right back up again..I tried reading, watching TV, And listening to the stereo..Nothing worked..My suicidal thoughts were all over the place..I finally went to the hospital and they put me on trazadone..It helped some but I would only sleep three or four hours..My regular doctor put me on xanax.. So now between takeing the trazadone and xanax I am getting about six hours sleep and I take a nap during the day for an hour or two..My point is talk to your doctor and see if he will prescribe these for you.. They helped me..Take care..
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i talk in chat. come on in.
  5. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Still counting the hours awake.. I have no idea how I am going to make it through three consecutive night shifts but I will have to I guess...

    I really cannot find any clarity or stability..It's over three months since I last took any meds (Mainly because they didn't work & the last mood stabilizer they tried me on resulted in a near fatal reaction) and right now I am not sure if I am the boxer or the bag..(Thank you Pearl Jam)

    Everything is a blur..When the switch comes I know I will slip back into my dark place and numb up again but until then all I have is this relentless noise in my head..voices,thoughts, echoing through this vacant skull..

    It's been close to 80 hours awake now and still sleep won't find me..
    This feels like hell on earth..

    How to kill a living thing.
    Neglect it
    Criticise it to it's face
    Say how it kills the light
    Traps all the rubbish
    Bores you with it's green

    Hardens the heart
    Cut it down close
    To the root as possible

    Forget it
    For a week or a month
    Return with an axe
    Split it with one blow
    Insert a stone

    To keep the wound wide open

    - Eibhlin Nic Eochaidh -
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Before I head in to the hospital for my shifts, here is something that has brought a little peace to my soul..

    The Cure

    Not the laying on of hands,
    Healing bones and hearts,
    Not flowers, protease inhibitiors,pills for the pain,
    Not a prayer for the dying,
    For you, for us,
    Not crying yet.

    Tonight only the clock,
    Each condensed second one tiny grain,
    In one thousand parts
    of rain.

    Nick Drake​
  7. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks..I think my Dr has given up on medicating me after she nearly killed me, thanks to a severe drug reaction..So now all she offers is mood diaries and a vague hope of CBT..But I cannot maintain my own diary, let alone understand what I am feeling and consigning it to paper..

    I hope you have found a peaceful place my friend..It warms me to know that others are escaping this prison cell and one day I hope to see you all, outside of the walls of my mind...

    Stay strong..Stay free..Stay true to yourself..
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. My PM box is always open if you want to talk.
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Firstly, thank you to all of you who have helped me through to this point..I had almost forgotten what a comfort this forum is..Even when I was stable, I still came here to help others through their pain & now you are helping me through my moment of need..

    It's now 10am..My 1st night shift has finished and only another two to go..
    Over 100 hours have passed since I last slept (Beyond falling asleep on the bus for a few minutes) and I still feel...well..incandescent. I know I won't sleep again today though I will try. I don't think I have ever been up longer than this and the way my mind is racing, I can foresee several more lonely nights waiting for the sun to bring out the rest of society so I can feel inadequate..

    Everything seems to building pace..Picking up speed, like it is building towards something..At times I cannot even hear my own voice in the clamor...It just gets drowned among the others..
  10. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    If I would of known that laying down for an hour would of made me feel this rough, I'd of avoided it..About to head in for night shift number two & feel like crap..

    Suddenly realised that I haven't eaten in three days and everything seems better..Why didn't I see it before? Why didn't I see that I can get an element of control by embracing my ED rather than focusing on sleep?

    At least this way I can disappear..
    At least this way I have control
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