How ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by drop.the.world, Mar 6, 2013.

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  1. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    How do you pick yourself up the ground and get yourself together ? How can you do it? How DID you do it?

    It clear to me I don't want to die. It was never my desire , but lately it seems like it's the only thing I feel slightly capable of. Reaching out to you through this forum once again confirms to myself how desperate i am to actually finding a way out of my misery , maybe there is something more out there left for me than dying..is it? Honestly, HOW do you do it?

    I'm an 18 year old girl. I've always been that silly prototype girl who 'has it all' , an apparently perfect family, a good 'social status' , pretty , popular, student body president, teachers' favorite, outgoing , with 'great friends' and lots of envy from others. This all sounds so awfully shallow to write and I feel ashamed like a bitch to aknowledge it but somehow it's true. What i always thought of as my greatest asset has turned into a curse . I care so much about everyone I meet. I can't express how affected i get by everyone and everything around me. Never in my life have i hurt anyone and when i thought i did i got it right that instant. I never cared what anyone did to me, i always thought people may have it worse and they react in cosequence. All i did all my life was trust and love and trust more and care more and just give myself away sincerely enjoying every moment!!

    Never in my life have I talked about the issues in my family, such as my parents' constant fighting, my fathers' cheating on my mother which both her and I are aware of but nobody talks about, his coming home drunk every other morning and gambling, their constant underestimating of every skill i might have, and the list goes on. This was never even the problem, i guess i just got used to it , thinking other people's lives are the same or worse. I didn't seem fair to complain.
    The real issue started about four years ago. I never had any close friends, or at least friends who actually cared, friends like.. me. I fantasized about having siblings all the sime so i loved my 'friends ' with all my heart. Unfortunately , i stumbled upon people's jealousy and mean attitudes more and more often. Nobody saw it for a long time, but backstabbing, lying , tking people away from me, using me, all really had a strong effect on me. I felt dispirited every time people i loved so much hated my guts , but somehow i managed to keep my smile and hope . I was always the happy girl who is never mean and never gets angry, all cause i was scared to push people away myself since i didn't really have anyone.
    I have had 'best friends' turning a blind eye when i passed out nect to them because i was so exhausted from crying all night the past day. I have had boyfriends i really cared about using me for my 'name' . I am utterly stupid . I thought at least one of the people i so dearly trusted might give a damn and man i couldn't be more mistaken !! So i ended up more alone than ever.
    My education went amazing, top grades, contests, social events , school board. My dream was getting into an english university. My partents put their hopes up as well as i did. I was the perfect candidate. When everything started going worse, when i begun to cry daily whenever i was alone, when i isolated myself and i couldn't find any motivation, this was my only target. The only light at the end of the tunnel, a new life,away from all this. I've been rejected from my first choice post interview because i was so depressed at that time i probably sermed uninterested. I've suffered a lot from it,and still do.
    My best friend for 8 years, a classmate i always felt close to , the first boy to ever tell me he loved me when i was too young to even aknowledge the presence of boys, now hates me. He recently told me he wants us to be together, which would've been great , except he has no fucking idea what any part of my life is like. I told him we should get to know each other better before doing this. He hasn't talked to me since. He is visibly hitting on every girl in my class now. I'm pretty sure he really likes someone else know, someone who he said he doesn't care about ,no need to mention how that proves our whole history was a lie . Now i have to face him everyday, seeing him at her knees, listening to his stingy , mean public remarks about me. I am alone in all this . I tried talking to him , for both our sake, and it got worse. It is so so heart-breaking to see even he ignores me, even he doesn't give a damn, even he mocks me .
    Now it all adds up. I'm hopeless. I's sad. I'm falling apart . I can't do anything. I have no breath, no force, no hope, no will power, i want to get myself together but i can't even go to school trips because i can't get myself together and enjoy myself. I am too alone.

    I realize how long this message turned out, how shallow and how pathetic my problems may seem but i guess i just needed to pour it all out. I hope the best for everyone here, some of the stories i have read made me ashamed i can't give a helping hand .. God bless you all
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi D and welcome...you do not sound shallow at all...you sound sad and you have turned your pain inward...is there someone you can talk to, your family, doctor or a professional to see how to help you feel better? When we are upset or depressed it is a mask over our perceptions and many of us cannot take in what is there for us in the world...I am sure many people here will relate to that...and reaching out here is not desperate...it is wise...each of us needs to share and have support...welcome again and please continue to tell us what is going on
     
  3. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    Hi and thank you for your words ! No , there is absolutely no one I can talk to. My family is out of question, we barely speak and when we do , it usually ends up in my parents fighting and blaming each other, which is the last thing i need. Plus there is the classic cliche 'they wouldn't understand' because really, they wouldn't.(for ex. It was impossible for them to understand how i don't even have 30 friends for my 18th birthday 'party' . I had none, i invited almost strangers to make them 'socially content' . How can i tell them about suicide?)
    Therefore professional help would be hard to get behind their back. I live in a small town and everyone knows everyone.
    My 'friends' don't care. This is why i'm here. At least i'm not talking to myself. I just want to figure out a way to get through this..how did you do it?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2013
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    The most important thing is, at 18, you are now your own person. You have the control over your own life that you do not need to fulfil parents ambitions. It would be nicer to be able to talk to them, but overall, it is your life and your choices from now on.

    As for others around you, because of your nature people have used and abused the kindness and you need to find some way in which you focus on yourself. No-one can live your life. No-one can make your choices. No-one has a right to dictate what you do.

    You are not a prototype. You are a unique individual although some people may be able to relate to the lack of friends etc. my 18th birthday I spent with just my family, I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was 2002. Being a 'prototype' leads to misconceptions. And I don't think you are shallow either. If there was a way you could consider a location change to see if that helps, getting professional help, not being in a place where everyone knows everyone, and self-discipline that you are number one priority, you might find yourself doing better.

    Just ideas, but the last one I encouraged to move away from a troublesome location, was 16/17 years old, and suicidal, now they are pregnant with 2nd child and living with a great partner and they are only 22. Time and patience can work wonders.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    They are not shallow or pathetic problems. You have far more in common with most of your classmates then you know. Contrary to the claims of many that the teenage years are the best years of your life they are often very difficult. The people that look at a certain "type of kid or family" and say they wish they could be like that (as many probably do you based on outward appearance) have no clue what is going on behind the doors in that house.

    I cannot tell you what is going to make it all better- I can tell you putting distance behind you in time and moving on to college and work will allow you to focus on your issues instead of those of your family or parents. It is not your job to be concerned for how your mother and fathers relationship is - it has an effect on you bu tit is not your responsibility. In fairness to them - it is also their business how they choose to handle the situation , not yours. At 18 you are moving into a phase in your life where when you disagree on how something is done around you you have the option to seperate yourself from that situation - by going to college , work , moving out.
    The issue is you need to decide which is more acceptable to you - adding responsibility for taking care of yourself and your own finances or accepting the situation as it is in return for physical (housing) and financial supports. When you want both it will not work often. Thinking of how other people have it better and do not understand is no different then others looking at your situation and assuming all is good for you.
    You will make it through because you are strong enough and capable enough to do so because of the years of having to put on the facade. You will never forget the boy - but you are smart enough to know he does not know you really so you put off his advance. The consequence is where you are now with him - and that is a far better consequence then having him and feeling like it was all pretend because it would have been since he did not know you really.
    You will gain confidence in your decisions on such things over time and though second thoughts are inevitable and what if s are a part of life you will learn to trust your judgement and learn from mistakes and move on. Keep coming here to tal if you have nobody to talk to. Lots of people here will listen ....
     
  6. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    Being in a small town high school sucks. And the situation with your boy ... I can relate. I lived in a small town and always kept to myself. I coulda been popular but I always isolated myself. Then when I graduated, I left and went to a much busier area where my business isn't the town gossip anymore. You're about to enter the best time of your life. Even if you didn't make it into your top college, you'll be accepted into one soon. Then you'll begin the process of starting all over again, Sounds like you need a fresh start.

    Get through it all by remembering you control your own destiny. Before you know it you'll be able to make all the decisions you want for yourself, it's quite liberating.
     
  7. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    There's no way to express how much i appreciate your support, really ! It wasn't easy and it felt so strange to just write bits of my life like this, but getting feedback from amazing people like you is a feeling indescribable in words !
    'unimportant', it's strange to call you this since your words are so the opposite for me. It would mean the world to manage to get away and start over but honestly right now i am in a place where every day i think about what it would be like to get myself toghether, and then shit happens and i get thrown right back where i first started, or worse. it's so frustrating and it drains all energy and ambition i have left. The future you described seems so bright, but it's like a dream bubble i can't see myself reaching at this point..
    NYJmpMaster Thank you ! Your answer really opened my eyes to some things i might have been a bit blind about...although i now have to be responsible for my own person i can't turn my back on my parents. i know , in their twisted way , they want what's best for me, but they don't realize how much their actions add to what i'm dealing with right now. i keep thinking others do have it worse, and if that's the case, what hope is there for me to not make their mistakes ? honestly, all i know is these past awfully painful years only made me realize how stupid and naive i am, and the worst part is i can't pull myself to do anything about it. it's just plain stupid to be this involved in everything, i'm an idiot for hoping people will start to care, it's just dumb to think i was actually important for someone,ever . the truth is no one will ever give a damn about a 'door mat girl' who would to anything for anyone,except herself,that's the way things go. There was this guy who was like my brother in a way , for a few years ( of course, like any other person in my life, he made sure he wouldn't leave without leaving me unconscious on the ground, more than once. both literally and metaphorically) and when he first got to know me a bit his reaction was 'oh my god. i always thought you were this over-confident, ambitious girl who knows exactly what she wants and who always gets her way. now i see you're nothing like what you seem '. he was right. i am just nobody right now, and it's painful as hell.
    blackbird,fly i'm so sorry to hear you can relate to my story because i know how much that sucks. thank you for this perspective though..i have moments when i think about it too and i realize it can be as great as it sounds, but i've come to this, when all my power is gone. i can hardly do anything anymore, and it's just worse. i hope i can make it until then.

    I heartily wish the best to all of you !

    As for my conclusion, It's like I've been living in this bubble of my own , trying to keep myself away from all harm, trying to rise above it in my balloon and just be imune to it all . I've been stupid enough to think that if i am good, good stuff wil happen, if i love eevryone, they can't possibly hate me, if i try to keep them close, they won't go away. it's silly, and childish ,and exactly the opposite happened. now everything hits so low i can't take it, and it's getting harder faking it too. it's been far too long and i don't know how more i can keep it going like this. i don't know how to be anything else and i'm not capable of learning to cope right now, alone.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry that such a wonderful person as you are is living in so much pain. this is real pain. I want you to make sure to keep leaning on us. Be part of this community, You need support. As much as possible. And if right now you feel you cannot get this irl, please come here. For as long as it feels right for you. I can feel your heart and it is a good one. Please know that. While it is in untold pain, it does not change that you are a good person with a good heart. Please keep reaching out here. Because you deserve so much support !!!!! Sending safe hugs for you
     
  9. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    I truly thank you so much for your words ! It's impossible to express how much your replies help me, while I know i am so alone, talking to you and getting to be so transparent about my life makes me organize the chaos that is in my heart and mind and actually be aware of my problems and how real they are. I need to feel better and i want to find the strength to get past it all for good, but it's only getting worse. Creating illusions for myself, trying to trick my mind into thinking it's not that bad and everything will be ok are only making matters more obscure, and this cover won't last for long when , in reality, i have become more isolated and scared than ever. I am afraid to talk to anyone besides you here, because they all turned out either uninterested or judgemental. I take everyone's remarks,gossip, attitude more personal now, so I don't feel like seeing anyone, or faking to enjoy myself anymore. I'm just a wreck.
    flowers,your signature is beautiful. 'I dream of a world where we can see the light in ourselves and each other. Where division is only read about in history books. Where love is what we know ourselves and others to be. This is the world I dream of.' This is what i dream about too, and i always told myself there must be people who think like this on this planet, i can't possibly be the only one who still tries to find hope in others, but it's hard to maintain this view when everyone turns their back on you.
     
  10. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dear drop.the.world,
    I so wish I could give you a giant hug and help you see that, even though life feels so bleak and lonely right now,life very possibly will get better. It is so heartbreaking when dear, sensitive people experience the harshness and insensitivity of this life and of others.

    I know you said you live in a small community and help may be difficult to safely seek. I would suggest that, if there's a larger community not far from you you might look for a counseling agency or even a church with a caring ministry. That is actually who led me to a counselor. I was most distrustful (well still battle there) so it took a while for me to move forward with any kind of treatment. That's okay - you do what you can, when you are able.

    Just know that people are sincerely interested in your well-being. Continue to reach out as you can (and don't let your bad days or ours scare you into thinking no one cares. That is not true.) People will let you down and for that I am very,very sorry. That does not mean you are not a valuable young woman - it means we all battle this wretched illness and some days, when it would help to help another, we instead are focused on ourselves and unable to lift our own heads to see those around us.

    Please continue to reach for your dreams and share with us here when you can. :D
    ♥♥♥
     
  11. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    Hey ! It's so comforting to know someone hears and understands you and honestly the tiny bit of hope I have left is due to knowing that beautiful people like you here still exist on this Earth. :) I've come to this, and despite hurting so bad, isolating myself from everyone and feeling mocked , the worst is I am letting MYSELF down . And there's nothing i feel capable of doing. This is the only thing i pray for right now, someone, something, a light, a motivation, i just want to get myself up or just end it all , 'cause even though talking to you is a great support, i can't handle this too much longer
     
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