How?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Del, Jan 2, 2010.

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  1. Del

    Del Member

    How is it even possible to want to live? I don't understand.

    Because I try really hard. But it seems like even friends wouldn't really care if I went through with it. Everything I do is wrong, everything. I don't know why I bother doing anything because I'm just going to fuck it up and ruin a good thing for myself and then when I ask for advice everyone will remind me of this and I already know. I already know I'm a fuck-up.

    I'm so ugly, I look in the mirror and it makes me sick. I want to throw up when I think of myself. I am disgusting, seriously disgusting, inside and out. I am the type of person the world would be better without.

    I hurt my friends. Or I'll say something weird and probably make them wonder why they are even my friends to begin with. I can't take two steps without it being wrong. I believe everyone talks behind my back, everyone. And I don't blame them.

    I've never been in love either. I don't believe I ever will be. There is nobody to go too. I have so many issues with intimacy and touching. I am such a bitch to those who do like me. And nobody wants someone as inexperienced as me anyway. It's hopeless. It's utterly hopeless.
     
  2. AEdle

    AEdle Well-Known Member

    We have the same feeling.

    When I look in the mirror i see an empty ...oh no a fat back yeah that`s what i am seeing.



    Sorry for what are you feelin` ,sorry because i don`t know how to say something or how you could handle with...


    Maybe just take a break and meditate,listen music...try to run ..to escape from this :stars: "perfect" world that some of people think is.


    Take care..
     
  3. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    im thinking & feeling the same too :( :hug:
     
  4. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Hey, i'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I can relate to some of the stuff in your post too.
    Like you I used to have a lot of intimacy issues, I thought I would never find anyone who liked me and if I did I wouldn't let them anywhere near me. I have suffered from confidence issues my whole life.
    But I did find someone. And he was so caring and he made me realise that I wasn't as ugly as I thought...and with time I learnt to let him in and to not be scared.

    I also have the same feeling of people talking about me. When I hear people laughing, I assume they're laughing at me. So you're not alone in all this.

    Do you have a family? I'm sure they would care if something were to happen to you. I would care.

    Please get help, I think you could use someone to talk to, like a councellor. I'm in the process of finding one for myself too.

    Also keep posting about your feelings on here as it helps, and you'll find lots of supportive people in here who are going through something similar.

    Take care.
     
  5. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    i feel the same way about some of what you have said.

    you need to try and think about looking after yourself before thinking what others may or may not think about you.

    you say friends wouldnt care if you went through with it - well if this is true, they were never friends to begin with.

    if they actually are your friends, you would hurt them a lot more by killing yourself over worrying about messing up with them etc.

    if you say something weird, so what. we all have our weird quirks. you shouldnt worry about them, its what makes you, you!
    all im interested in and go on about is Rupert Murdoch, now i know a lot of people hate him and a lot of people dont even know who he is and dont understand what im on about but i think 'so what' and just rant on i do this sober or drunk (i have a bit of a drink problem) but people think im drunk all the time because they just dont understand what im on about and dont care enough to ask/be interested even though they claim to be 'friends'.
    but just dont worry about it all and forget what other people think.

    inexperience (in anything really) is nothing to worry about too much, you always have to start somewhere. when it comes to relationships, if you are with the right person, they probably wouldnt care how much experience you have anyway.

    please dont take this as an insult but i think you are overthinking these things a little too much. just try and let whatever happens with your friends and relationships and stuff happen (yes i know thats easier said than done!)
     
  6. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    you self worth is the most important thing to you

    first up if you're being a cruel to others and projecting then don't expect much better in return

    if the fault lies somewhere in your life which is causing this then you've two choices:

    1: look hard at your life and any trauma's that may have caused it such as alcoholic parent(s), sexual abuse etc and deal with it and seek help for it no one is born a bitch or an asshole we're MADE that way by experiences

    2: leave it and watch as your life burns around you then you're only left with acceptance and death

    why do you live your life?

    instinct.......

    we're all hardwired to want to live in some form due to simple natural instinct hence why suicide is so difficult as you're essentially overriding that base failsafe instinct to survive

    the only person's opinion that really matters is your own but i do understand and relate to feeling hideous regardless of the comments i get all the time or attention from women every now and then all it ever takes is one rejection one bad comment and i would be shattered into pieces

    if someone is MAKING you feel ugly and worthless then i don't need to tell you that you need to stand up to the person and give them the verbal flaying of a lifetime take the time to rehearse it on your own perfect it make sure every verbal lash hit's hard and true and *cough* OWN THE MOTHERFUCKER!

    seriously people will only treat you as you allow them to treat you not to say it's your fault at all it's merely the harsh truth of reality and the answer is DONT LET THEM if that's relevant
     
  7. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    You get what you give.
    I found myself in that same scenario.
    I felt everyone was talking about me.
    After some time in therapy I learned to be open minded. What I presented was the image I gave to others. When I thought others were talking about me I would investigate.
    I learned to present myself to others as I really wanted them to see me and found all it took was being myself. This took no extra effort at all.
    Hope this helps.
     
  8. Del

    Del Member

    I'm not cruel, probably, just annoying. Everyone seems to think so.

    Thanks, guys. I feel a tad better.
     
  9. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    no one falls for me but everytime i read in this forum. that they are trying to commit suicide even they have a husband or boyfriend. it opens my mind that no one can make us complete but ourselves.
     
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