I truly would prefer to be dead than alive. I have felt this way for years and years. I have seen many shrinks and counselors. There is nothing wrong with my life. Many people would kill to have my life. But I hate every minute of it. My brain is stuck in a perfect storm of depression, anxiety, and despair. The older I get, the worse it gets. I am 57. Over and over and over, I have kept on keeping on. But it is always the same. Literally for years. Not only does life have not joy, but it seems so meaningless, not just for me, but everyone. I can't for the life of me figure out why EVERYONE doesn't step off. .. . kill themselves. I KNOW it is not about what is or is not happening in my life. . .it is about my brain chemistry. But I have tried so many drugs. They used to help some. Now they make matters worse. I always thought when things got bad enough, I would be able to step off. Like the people in the towers on 9-11. .. that jumped out the windows. They knew they would die, but it seemed better than the fire that was closing in on them. That is what I feel .. . like the flames are right on me now. So now I start thinking deeply and seriously about stepping off.. damn what a can of worms this creates. First I think about the pain I will cause to my friends and family. There is no way anyone who has not been SEVERELY depressed . .. FOR YEARS.....can understand suicide. I have written letters to them in my mind .... And my husband. He is such a decent person. What a crappy thing to do to him. Leave him to take care of the critters, house and gardens by himself. He doesn't deserve to live alone. But how at our age is he supposed to hook up with someone else? I think I should probably go to a motel room so he doesn't have to deal with a dead body. Mostly though, I fear what may happen once one passes through when they have committed suicide. I stopped getting all the usual medical tests years ago in the hopes I would develop cancer and not have to take matters into my own hands. It is taking too long. I saw a movie years ago .. . what dreams may come? The one with Robin Williams. His wife kills herself and her spirit gets stuck in a really awful place. I keep worrying that may be "reality". I thought I might perhaps avoid this if when I pass through, my mind is filled with peace.. . with thoughts of love. But every time I think "is today the day?" . . I am filled with such fear .. terror. I don't think all the booze and tranquilizers in the world can help me do this in peace. Is is so stupid that I am posting here. What I am looking for is counsel on how to get past the not wanting to hurt the survivors and the fear of repercussions on the other side. I am wanting someone to help me leave, not help me to stay. I seek courage and assurance that death will be ok. But how can anyone do that?