Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    How do you learn to just let go? How to forget hurts and pains? How to move forward? How to get closure on something that you cant get? How to not get played all over again? I dont make friends easily and I dont let them go easily either. How stupid am I?
  2. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Im dealing with one such issue at the moment as far as letting go of someone in my life without closure. Is it like that or is it more of a letting go of an option or aspect of your life. It's just they're kinda different as far as letting go happens.

    Im realising that when it comes to someone else, I have to let go, for them, aswell as for me. I looked at everything I felt and "grew" as a result of being with and around them, and sort of protected it. I appricate the times we spent together, and what we touched with. It took me awhile to realize that those feelings are subject to being with them alone. I can feel what I felt again, with other people or on my own. Simply because it's unique in itself, but not restricted to being with those people.

    It's tough to find people that you can connect with though. But I would suggest that if you have to walk away from someone, that you don't close the doors on those special moments aswell.

    I donno. Not too sure how you're meaning. Im kinda grasping at concepts xx
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for the reply. It is basically trying to get closure on relationships that I invested so much of myself. Relationships that I was hurt very badly in both physically and emotionally. I dont know how to not keep finding those same situations because I know it lies in the type of person I am. Basically I'm a sucker and those that feed off that type of personality seem to find me too often and I fall for it everytime. My need to be wanted, needed and loved is my down fall. But the alternative, being alone terrifies me.

    People tell me it isnt my fault, the relationships and their fallout. But I know it is. It's all I know. It is all I have ever known. How would I know a "real" relationship? Too scared to try anymore. I have no trust any longer. I want to move on but what that looks like terrifies me. Being alone for the rest of my life. Yes my decision, I am making it, but it doesnt mean I have to like it.
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    You deserve to be loved even if you can't believe that x
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No my ex drilled into me that no one loves another mans wh*re. That's all I was to him for almost 20 years. He never called me by my name, even in front of our own children. He used to say things like hey idiot, bring me a drink. Hey idiot get the dishes done. Idiot why are the kids still up. To his friends I was known as his wh*re. Something as used up and abused as me doesnt deserve to be loved. I'm nothing better than his trash. And every relationship I seemed to have after our marriage, well, none of them amounted to anything. They took what they wanted and left when it got boring. Tossed out over and over. Just like my ex said.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2011
  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I know it is hard to take what people say as the truth. When all you have ever known is not feeling good enough, how on earth can someone saying that you are worth it, erase all that pain? It can't, and I know you don't believe it, but it IS the truth. Your ex is a.. jerk, who never deserved you, you are worth so much more. And if relationships since then hasn't worked out, then it wasn't meant to be. That doesn't mean it is never going to happen, it just means that right now you get time to focus on you. You are SO much better than you perceive yourself to be. I can see it, as can many people, hon.

    :arms: :hug:
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    My last relationship left me with a five year old to raise alone. The "dad" after the first year just ups and decides that it isnt his. And even after a trial not a penny of support even when the courts said he is the dad. I told him when I found out I was pregnant I couldnt do this cuz my mental health problems were out of control. He said he would never leave even if we werent together he'd be there for his son. Nothing I can do about it. I cant even get a job to support ourselves cuz of my mental health status. You want to talk about you really fucked up???? I feel like a total failure and no one to blame but myself cuz I let myself believe that someone actaully loved me. People tell just let it go. I cant. I have a soon to be 6 year old that makes that impossible to do. Yet again feeling how unfair it is and nothing I can do about it. FAILED!!!!!!
  8. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I hope there is some way you can still get monetary support from the deadbeat DNA donor/father and some help from relatives in the nurturing and raising of your boy. :arms: My girlfriend's brother has two great teenage kids but their mother has done nothing but drink/self destruct and try to emotionally (and sometimes physically) harm them all. Miraculously wonderful children can come from a terrible relationship.

    All we have is now and we have the ability, no matter how entrenched, to leave behind the most unfair and hurtful treatment.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I feel like a monster because I'm a mom but right now I dont feel like I want to nor can. But the "father" can just up and walk away from all responsibility. No one takes a second look. But whoa, the mom says she cant and everyone thinks of her as a failure. So even if I wanted to walk away I cant.

    I feel completely terrible even saying that. A mom should never say or think such a thing. I'm sure there are members here that as soon as they read this they will be like the others and say what a failure. You're a parent so suck it up. But I cant suck it up anymore. And it is taking a toll on me everyday.

    Nobody ever seems to think it is hard to be a parent unless you are one. Parents are supposed to be so strong and moral all the time. Well sometimes we break and when that happens trust me it makes you feel like a piece of shit. Dont need others adding to it. I read the posts my parents this my parents that. It is not easy to be a parent. We dont get a manual and no one ever seems to play by the rules anyways. I'm tired. So damn tired. And i cant stop the thoughts and feelings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2011
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't u nderstand how the courts are not taking him to jail then he is the father and is to pay support period if he works they will garnish his wages and send it to you. He cannot be a dead beat dad and get away with it there are laws to prevent that What does your lawyer say to do
  11. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Oh i shouldn't be posting in here. I don't know what to say to be honest. You're looking at alot of things at once. Im not really good at doing that anymore, but... I donno. You've done it before, for the last 5 and a half years. With or without ex, you were there for your son, and despite obligation and love for your son, you were also there for you. Despite suffering, you've still here. Keep going xx

    I dont know about the legal issues, id assume if he was the biological father, he would be forced to submit a portion of any legally obtained money directly from his paycheck considering his abrupt departure and abusive behavior towards you. Aswell as a restraining order.. I know it's actually quite opinionated of me to say that, but from a normal standing relationship point of view, he shouldn't have harmed you.

    ... sorry I missed your third post.
    I dont know how you would protect yourself from that again accept for being who you as much as you can right now. I don't want to tell you that you're worth it. That you dont need someone else to tell you that you're worth it. There is so much more out in life that is worth it, and that there are people out there who want to share those moments with you, without wanting to use you.
    Maybe, you need at sometime to look at what level of respect you deserve, and the sort of things you accept and respond to, (in sacrifice to who you are) so you can gain a particular feeling or feelings that make you feel whole. Or for what ever your reasons may be for having an unbalanced relationship. I donno. It might not be you, it could be the people you are around being purely deceptive. Im grasping at straws to be honest, as the situations go, but, in either case you deserve to be happy. I wouldnt find happyness in others, except those whom you know love you. But I wouldnt start with anyone else, except for you. I think how you treat yourself dictates to some level how you will allow other people to treat you. It's atleast a reference. Being lost in someone else.. works for a bit. But it's never permanent. Every source needs a recharge I suppose in some degree if it is giving. And if someone who is in a relationship with you doesn't get a positive spin off of who you are, they're not worth it. Changing you for them only works for so long, until you can't breath and just want to be yourself. But if they dont like who you are, they may act. Which tbh im not being funny, but the moment he/she lays a finger on you, you need to tell them to fuck off. The moment someone degrades who you are you need to tell them to fuck off or put them in their place. They are no better than you, and they are only showing their true colours if they believe they can treat someone in an equal relationship like that.
    Though it's not just about reacting to their expressions of it, it's how you interact with life. Which really is dictated by how you treat yourself. And what you feel you need. Need in itself is pretty dodgy.. I know once you feel it, and it's slowly fading away and even taken away, you may want it, you may long for it. But that need and want are for something that's ... keeping you going. I dont know the solution to that. But I suppose they're are other means of feeling those things without putting your life in any jeopardy. Though I think it's better to look at why you feel you need them, I know that can be just as dodgy as the destructive paths that need can take you down, just so you can feel what it is you feel you need.

    Needs tweak able though. Well I think it is, but I dont know how it is for you, I don't mean to be rude if i've been.

    I wonder though if you already know all that :S

    I write alot, but I know you're here, still going. If there's anything, there's that.
    Maybe if you ever try to go into a relationship again, try to not need anything from it. Just let it be what it is, two people talking and being together. And from there, always being true to who you are and how you treat yourself, never letting anyone compromise you. They're not worth it if they do.
    Im a selfish bastard, and I believe we have to come first, and if someone thinks they should come first before you, they need to be put straight and if they don't get it or refuse to see it, be fucked off.

    I may get flack for this, but you need to come first before your son. I mean, who you are will amplify him. try not to rip yourself apart from the past. It can(if you want it to) have no baring on these moments right now, and those moments to come. Only what you carry with you can. I suppose giving other things in your life priority over other things works to help reduce the pressure from certain feelings and desires. Such as searching for new feelings and desires. But possibly through a different method if you find yourself falling into the same pitfalls, especially with people. It doesn't mean you have to cut everyone out.

    I donno. I just know you dont ever deserve to be treated like shit. Those feelings that allow you to be, need to be explored though, atleast by you at some point. You can atleast become more familiar with them from a different perspective, and if you ever feel yourself slipping into that pattern you may be able to pull yourself out of it and reposition yourself so you aren't being used.
    :) x
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2011
  12. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    You are legitimately disabled and incapable of handling the tremendous pressures and responsibilities of parenting alone without worsening your condition. My mother is schizoaffective and had psychotic breakdowns trying alone to care for my brother and me.

    I hope family and friends can help and there are government programs that help the psychiatrically disabled with raising children. No one with any understanding of major depression would consider you a failure or negligent.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say C but I wanted to let you know I care