Oh i shouldn't be posting in here. I don't know what to say to be honest. You're looking at alot of things at once. Im not really good at doing that anymore, but... I donno. You've done it before, for the last 5 and a half years. With or without ex, you were there for your son, and despite obligation and love for your son, you were also there for you. Despite suffering, you've still here. Keep going xx
I dont know about the legal issues, id assume if he was the biological father, he would be forced to submit a portion of any legally obtained money directly from his paycheck considering his abrupt departure and abusive behavior towards you. Aswell as a restraining order.. I know it's actually quite opinionated of me to say that, but from a normal standing relationship point of view, he shouldn't have harmed you.
... sorry I missed your third post.
I dont know how you would protect yourself from that again accept for being who you as much as you can right now. I don't want to tell you that you're worth it. That you dont need someone else to tell you that you're worth it. There is so much more out in life that is worth it, and that there are people out there who want to share those moments with you, without wanting to use you.
Maybe, you need at sometime to look at what level of respect you deserve, and the sort of things you accept and respond to, (in sacrifice to who you are) so you can gain a particular feeling or feelings that make you feel whole. Or for what ever your reasons may be for having an unbalanced relationship. I donno. It might not be you, it could be the people you are around being purely deceptive. Im grasping at straws to be honest, as the situations go, but, in either case you deserve to be happy. I wouldnt find happyness in others, except those whom you know love you. But I wouldnt start with anyone else, except for you. I think how you treat yourself dictates to some level how you will allow other people to treat you. It's atleast a reference. Being lost in someone else.. works for a bit. But it's never permanent. Every source needs a recharge I suppose in some degree if it is giving. And if someone who is in a relationship with you doesn't get a positive spin off of who you are, they're not worth it. Changing you for them only works for so long, until you can't breath and just want to be yourself. But if they dont like who you are, they may act. Which tbh im not being funny, but the moment he/she lays a finger on you, you need to tell them to fuck off. The moment someone degrades who you are you need to tell them to fuck off or put them in their place. They are no better than you, and they are only showing their true colours if they believe they can treat someone in an equal relationship like that.
Though it's not just about reacting to their expressions of it, it's how you interact with life. Which really is dictated by how you treat yourself. And what you feel you need. Need in itself is pretty dodgy.. I know once you feel it, and it's slowly fading away and even taken away, you may want it, you may long for it. But that need and want are for something that's ... keeping you going. I dont know the solution to that. But I suppose they're are other means of feeling those things without putting your life in any jeopardy. Though I think it's better to look at why you feel you need them, I know that can be just as dodgy as the destructive paths that need can take you down, just so you can feel what it is you feel you need.
Needs tweak able though. Well I think it is, but I dont know how it is for you, I don't mean to be rude if i've been.
I wonder though if you already know all that :S
I write alot, but I know you're here, still going. If there's anything, there's that.
Maybe if you ever try to go into a relationship again, try to not need anything from it. Just let it be what it is, two people talking and being together. And from there, always being true to who you are and how you treat yourself, never letting anyone compromise you. They're not worth it if they do.
Im a selfish bastard, and I believe we have to come first, and if someone thinks they should come first before you, they need to be put straight and if they don't get it or refuse to see it, be fucked off.
I may get flack for this, but you need to come first before your son. I mean, who you are will amplify him. try not to rip yourself apart from the past. It can(if you want it to) have no baring on these moments right now, and those moments to come. Only what you carry with you can. I suppose giving other things in your life priority over other things works to help reduce the pressure from certain feelings and desires. Such as searching for new feelings and desires. But possibly through a different method if you find yourself falling into the same pitfalls, especially with people. It doesn't mean you have to cut everyone out.
I donno. I just know you dont ever deserve to be treated like shit. Those feelings that allow you to be, need to be explored though, atleast by you at some point. You can atleast become more familiar with them from a different perspective, and if you ever feel yourself slipping into that pattern you may be able to pull yourself out of it and reposition yourself so you aren't being used.

x