How'd I end up here?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Justsolost, Mar 2, 2010.

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  1. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, I'm new here. I just finished up college, and I've had extreme self-esteem problems for most of my life. I've also dealt with depression on and off for several years, and whenever things get particularly bad I 'rationally' (if I can even say that) think that suicide is an option. These feelings vary quite a bit, day to day or even hour to hour. Sometimes (albeit rarely) I literally cannot find the desire to get up in the morning, and I just lie in bed, hating myself. But other times, life in general seems decent. Never great, but satisfactory. I often think about suicide, and I have for many years, but on only a couple of occasions did I ever begin to formulate a direct plan. I'm at no immediate risk of harming/killing myself, but I also know that if things do get really bad, that I may 'do something stupid' as the saying goes.

    The truly pathetic thing about me (there's the depression talking again....) is that I'm actually training to work in health-care. The problem I have, is that I literally have no way of accessing any form of professional help, because by doing so I'd be risking my future right to practice medicine. Which, if I lost, would completely screw up my life. I've known doctors who were medically disqualified from being able to practice medicine, for both mental and physical reasons.... So I don't know if there's anything I can do other than post on an anonymous site such as this, hoping it'll help a little.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    there are many doctors psychologist psychiatrist that get help for depression everything is confidential so how would anyone know you are getting the much needed help you require. Glad you reached out here welcome
  3. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks for reading violet. There are a few reasons I resist getting help, despite the fact that I do know I need it. I outlined the first reason already; it's not that I can't get help for depression, it's that I can't let it be known that I have any suicidal thoughts. That, specifically, is what could risk my career. So, maybe I could try and get treatment for depression, and keep quiet about the suicidal thoughts? I don't know, but I'll consider that as an option. The other reasons mainly center around health insurance/privacy issues, but those will take care of themselves within a few months, so they aren't a long term impediment to me.

    I appreciate your reply.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand i do being a health professional myself i won't go to a psych doctor but i go to a private psychologist who assures me everything is confidential but then i assure him like you i will not do anything to endanger myself Ihave let him know mythoughts though. maybe not wise on my part
    I hope coming here and j ust posting venting will help you deal with the thoughts Depression dealing with it could help decrease the thoughts of suicide though I hope you find a way to heal as you sound very kind and would help many take care
  5. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.

    I'm not great at advice, but I think getting help is worth the risk. Even if you get a job as a health-care worker, the illness will still be there. It'd be hard to work if you're so depression.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Justsolost, Welcome to the forums!!The longer your here the more similarities you will find in others.. We are all in this together...Take care!!
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. You are in a difficult position as far as seeking outside help, but I also think it would be worth the risk. What have you gained if those thoughts increase and it becomes more than ideation? Instead of seeking help for the thoughts, you will be forced because of the actions and then where are you? Do what you can to heal.
  8. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for the replies everyone, they are quite helpful. I really wish I'd gotten help when I was much younger, but I remember being so, well, embarrassed about my depression. I know that that's a common reaction, too. Luckily, over the past decade I've grown up, and I'm far more mature, and I clearly see that it is the 'mature and responsible' thing to get help. So that is no longer holding me back. But, again, what now does hold me back is the fear//reality that my career could be ruined if I don't watch what I say. I'm sure everyone here knows that there's no assurance of confidentiality in the U.S. the moment you mention anything about suicide to a doctor/therapist, so I'll have to carefully weigh my options.
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