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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alext, Oct 1, 2007.

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  1. alext

    alext New Member


    It's been a very long and interesting series of events that have led me to posting this thread. I wish I could have videotaped my life from 8 to now (19) so that you could understand it. I have one brother (24) and my parents divorced in 2000. My father was a severe alcoholic and so was my mother. They'd scream and fight and break stuff while my brother and I sat at the bottom of the stairs and listened. I was a loner, but I had two friends. These two friends used to band together and make fun of me untill I started to cry and had to walk home four miles. I'd go home and read books or play with my legos for entire days living in a world of my own creation.

    School was easy, at least the school part. I was gifted with enough intelligence to be completely disillusioned by 6th grade. I was almost 200lbs by 6th grade as well and I hadn't yet had a growth spurt so I was still quite short. I went to a school with maybe 250 other kids and the kind of hell I experienced is pretty crazy. By third grade I had already told a teacher to fuck off and by sixth I was on a list of kids to blame things on if anything bad happened at the school. But my schoolwork was excellent so they couldn't kick me out.

    My father was a fire fighter for a major city and was rarely home. The commute was three hours. Coupled with the fact that he was a severe alcoholic I never saw the man sober as a child, fuck, I can barely even remember him from then. My mother is undiagnosed Bi-polar because she refuses to admit she has it. She was a mental health case worker for the county we lived in for years. I've read the DSM a million times and know the folly of self-diagnoses, but I'm pretty sure I am bi-polar as well.

    After my parents were divorced I wrote an essay on killing myself for my sixth grade writing proficiency. Nobody at the school cared. I started smoking marijuana for anxiety during 7th. My brother used to dangle me by my feet off a two story deck, and the one time he caught me trying to jump to kill myself, he pushed me off. I had two dogs, Jack and Lucy (border collies) who were my only real friends during all of this. I was so fucked up in the head as a kid, I really should have been in therapy, but I wasn't, nobody cared.

    My mom used to prevent me from seeing my dad, but she'd tell me it was all because of him. I didn't even hear from him for 5 years. My mother and my brother would scream and yell at each other all the time, and my mom would throw things at him (fans, tv's, chairs) and then call the sherriff's and tell them that he had attacked her. He moved out to live with my dad. During all of this he was dealing cocaine and once invited me into his room to feel what $2,000 in 20's felt like. He ended up graduating from a continuation school nearby because he just couldn't handle our high school, which like my elementary school just didn't give a fuck about it's students. My father didn't go to his graduation.

    Back to myself. I busted my knee on my mom's boyfriends trailer hitch when I was, hmmm, 12 and 1/2 I think. I couldn't walk for two days. Went to the hospital and was told that there was "nothing wrong" and went back home. I played football because my dad played football during high school and I wanted him to be proud of me, I wrecked my knee again. Same deal, "nothing wrong". I took Judo because my brother did, and I wanted him to be proud of me if my father wouldn't, I wrecked my knee again. Same deal, "nothing wrong". From that point on, my life was agony. Pure unadulterated pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. Since my left knee was shot, my right knee deteriorated which led to my hips getting screwed up which left my back a tortured mess. On top of all this I was also severely depressed from my family situation.

    I was fat, ugly, too intelligent for my own good, and a complete asshole to protect myself, but I was also kind-hearted and was always joking. My father says that our family is the last group of truly noble people left. People started to like me. In 10th grade I had a girlfriend. I was happy for the first time in my life. But it was also my first relationship, so we both made all the horrible errors that naive people make in relationships. It turned to hell. We kept dating for 2 years.

    My grandfather died on Memorial Day 2006. Our two year anniversary was two days before that. On the day that my grandfather died, my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend since second grade. I had even told her that my grandfather had died that morning.

    I'm also the local psychologist for some reason. Everyone I know comes to me when they have a problem. I will never turn them away, it's not in me to do so. It all just piles up.

    We broke up. This was a week before senior prom. We went together, I had already spent all the money so what was the point in not going. Later that night, out of petty hatred and a burning need for revenge, I had sex with her best friend. I graduated. She sat next to me claiming that the only reason I had graduated was because of her. My father didn't come. His best friend did though, he's pretty much my uncle.

    Weeks passed and it was time for my 18th birthday. I had been planning since 13 to kill myself on my 18th. I was going to do sleeping pills, because my brother had tried that once and had almost succeeded. I was with a close group of friends though, and didn't leave until I was absolutely too trashed to even think. I didn't kill myself.

    The months after that are a haze to me. I discovered Cyclobenzaprine which is a very powerful muscle relaxant. I wasn't sober at all, and I mean at all, for two months. Every day was a cyclone induced dream. During this time my mother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. As much as I hate her, I also love her and this news took what little wind there was from under my sails. The chemo made her crazy and she kicked me out of the house. I went to live with my dad.

    My dad had his own little family going. He had a money hungry, self-serving Ukrainian woman and her socially inept, spoiled rotten son. I was not part of this family, nor did I want to be, nor am I currently as I live with them and my brother.

    My mother is dying. She is barely coherent. Her pain medication says "Take as needed" which is what they do when they don't care how much you take. They tried to kill her with Hydromorphone and Fentanyl. She even told them she was allergic to opiates. They didn't listen. Speaking of Hydromorphone, I started taking them from her medicine cabinet because she couldn't use them. I would snort one and be on a cloud. I was still (and am still) in agonizing pain everyday and hydromorphone was the only thing that let me live a normal life free of physical pain. My use escalated out of control. I havn't had one in what seems like a month, and my pain has returned x10.

    My brother is losing it. He is an incredibly angry person and supremely negative. He also takes every chance he gets to make me feel like shit. So does my dad. They had me convinced that I was a complete fuck-up for ages before I wised up to their bullshit.

    In the past 3 months I've almost died two times. I took a fistful of Tramadol and felt my heart stop. and I took a fistful of assorted painkillers and felt my heart stop again. I don't even know how I'm alive.

    According to my family, suicide is for pussies. But I'm most definately not a pussy. I stand up for what I believe in, I do what is right, I stick up for those not as strong as myself, I help people with whatever I can whenever I can. But I do all these things at my own expense and I am so weary. My current girlfriend and my current situations have drained what little there was left of me. I am so tired.

    Tired of being sad, tired of hurting. My friends have grown jaded towards my depression. I have no one to talk to anymore. I stay awake till I pass out sitting up wishing I had someone to talk to. Fuck, I'm sobbing right now. I have a job, it's okay, everyone there loves me, everyone loves me except me.
    I go to college, but I havn't been in three weeks.

    I just don't see the point in being alive when I'm this sad and I hurt so badly.

    This isn't even half of it. But it's all I can explain right now.

  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Hey firstly welcome to SF.

    I am sorry about your father's passing, I couldn't bare losing my father. My heart goes out to you, i can't imagine the pain you went/are going through. :hug:

    Suicide is not an act of someone being a "pussy" as your family puts it. Suicide actually takes a lot of courage and a hell of a lot of pain to actually do it. I hope that you don't attempt because regardless of whether they think that I really think that they'd be heart broken to lose another member of their family.

    Again welcome to SF, if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. :hug: Be safe.
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