Howling for the moon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, Jul 19, 2009.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    Once again I can look back upon my life and see marked progress in every measure I can imagine, but the despondent state returns to me all the same in spite of what obvious amelioration has occurred.

    While my vantage is one step ahead, the only satisfaction comes from the thought. Still I yearn for more, I find, and every step forward feels like it's leaving me one less to my last, in more ways than one.

    A year ago I thought I'd be alone my entire life.

    Now I'm almost 8 months in a relationship with a girl who thinks and sees things the way I can only muster when I really consider myself. She is already everything I want and I feel I'm not ready to accept, and I don't want to change to reflect what I see.

    Forever, I progress only to long for progression. I'm the shadow of myself chasing my shell, only to never gain real ground.

    What ails me now seems of little consequence, because it is simply another step on the staircase I've become entangled with by circumstance. However, it is everything in that nothing else concerns me for this moment.

    It's not only the obvious, it's so much more.

    And maybe this vague rhetoric sheds more light than any amount of detailing may ever achieve. Some of the things I say so innocent can be wielded as a weapon with a critical tone. And now I'm even less than I was when I began.

    Now I no longer speculate, I know. I know that I will never have another girl in my life and I know that it's only repression to say that that's completely okay. Because I feel like I'm missing out. Because I believe in me and her, and I know that this theory of attachment will prove me dead upon a separation.

    I am 17 and she is 19. The juvenile stereotypes and dimensional distinctions held to be so apparent may as well be true, for no amount of my convincing can leave them deterred, for myself or for you.

    Every chain has got to go. And nobody else can hear except me, because I have no courage or might to face the matter of saying it to your face.

    I feel like maybe I could find someone who doesn't give a fuck that I really enjoy video games and tv shows and movies that don't have a function but to divert my productive processes.

    Maybe I don't find anything real worth investing time in. Everything erodes, and nothing will last. My diversion is my business, even if we are one in the same.

    But I realize that these are merely your opinions, but damn, this is why I am lost. I know you are correct in saying what they are and I understand and admire your perspicacity to apprehend that, really.

    But I don't have anything else to spend my time doing that I enjoy that is easy, despite you saying that anything can be done. I'm so fucking sick and tired of living two lives, and I'm thinking about ceding them both to oblivion.

    The anonymity of the internet is a veil.

    To protect me from the audacity of confrontation.

    If ever I can talk to you, there is no insight to my diversion or reasons.
    I don't have reasons because I don't need a reason to do anything.
    I just do it. It may not be necessarily a step towards providence or anything but I fulfill something in doing so, be it arbitrary or not, all weighs equal in the grand scale if everything is predetermined, and if it isn't, then nothing really makes a difference to me. I will die and be nothing soon enough.

    I could be done now, but in spite of your constant admonition,
    Reminders of inadequacy,
    Repression of my familiars,
    Personal fears of missing out,

    I will continue for you until it is evident that you are continuing with no means of compromise as you are. You cannot hear me, I don't care.

    My mouth is useless as it is.
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well you have been a member here for sometime so you know the ropes around here better than I but as you have posted in Suicide Forum so you must be wanting support from us all so perhaps you can start with a bit about yourself.

    Are you in therapy for your suicidal thoughts? Do you have anyone that you talk to and that understand what is going on with you? Anything else you would like to share and that you think will be helpful for us to know so we can be there fore you and help you sort things out.

    By the way are in you the US? If so what city?
    Write back so we know what we can do to help.
    Hang in there...INO
     
  3. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    Therapy is a form of salvation, I do not subscribe to it. Just as you can never get any complete picture across in words, nobody can ever understand how I feel entirely.

    Support? It's a form of release, a vent - a coping mechanism. I doubt anyone could muster any string of words to alter my state, because even the function of this place is ironic.

    It's to try to extend a helping hand, to make me feel hope again.

    If any of you really cared, you'd believe in the same thing I do. That maybe perpetuating the pointless and propagating more pain is worse for me than confiding in some pearl of insight that appeals to some aspect of me and provides me with the will to continue.

    If I was straddling the fence that carefully, I wouldn't have spoken so adamantly in the past as now. If I could be swayed by something so hollow as words from a stranger, I wouldn't have the substance behind it all.

    I don't belong here, and I need help that does not exist. I need to have financial security, I can't work for the rest of my life. I need love that it unconditionally unconditional. I need security, and these things are just facts of life - that maybe these promises aren't worth the sacrifices needed to attain them.
     
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Okay bye then and good luck. :spam:

    Next time you feel that urge to obfuscate please do so in another forum. Frankly you waste time of those who want to be supportive when may be they could be helping someone who really cares feeling better.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2009
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