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"hows it going to end" - Tom Waits

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Well its been awhile since I have spoke to someone, but I figured since I don't keep a journal, I would make an effort trying to tell. I hope I revised it to make it worth reading.
I have felt indescribably depressed since I was 16, (6 years ago), to the point where I began SI. I don't have anyone I can count on or trust. Everyone who has found out has stopped talking to me. Last night, I was watching a movie at home drinking with 2 "friends" and I had too much (BAC was 0.325, wish I hadn't woke up), penty to divulged everything before passing out. Before, I could pretend they cared, but like everyone else, they don't. I thought about it and realized that maybe I lack a conviction to my thoughts of suicide and emptiness, hopelessness, and people know that, and disregard how I feel because it doesn't seem sincere. I have been blown off and left alone to my heart and if I dont convict myself, this absolute suffering, which will not end, will be worthless, and meaningless.

In order for someone to care, you must prove you mean it.
To try is to loose everything material, and live further isolated from everyone.
To do is absolute.

I am no dummy. There are no second chances. The end is oblivion, which is beautiful. As you die, everything you ever wanted will come true, and everything you have ever accomplished wont matter. God cant possibly condemn everyone except followers of one religion,... that is depressing to think about. That means there is no GOD... and in the end, everyone dies alone, and the same.

I have associated my pain of my heart to be greater then anything else, and through that, I have reduced the ability to feel physical pain, mainly cold. I can tolerate any level of cold, and frequently do (15 degrees in teeshirt and shorts). I figured that seems to be the best way to go.
Having made the plans for Friday, my conviction is complete, my sincerity is proven...

Death is the end of my world, and thus, I leave nobody behind.

jane doe

Well-Known Member
i´m sorry you feel that way hun. i´m depressed since last 4 years(i´m 18 now) i SI like you since then. i feel lost and i want to die too. so pm me at any time
Stayed up for Tuesday. Today I am switching for a truck for the camping trip.
Nice new one, maybe red, ... I guess it doesn't matter.

I am a big geek head, with at least 2,000gb of data. on Friday, If I can destroy those harddrives, I will have signed my final commitment.

I tried to bring up a question in chat tonight, and figured it would be best to ask here.
Have you ever contemplated the feeling just before death? Not the actual act of dying (insert long movie death here). Im talking about the feeling of it, without words, or thoughts, only emotion. ???

I have meditated on this a few times, and when you disregard your thoughts, its a very strange experience. For me, the instance before death is filled with a indescribable dread and emptiness. But also, a feeling of completion. Very strange.

Good night, and please read what I wrote in "after effects", its worth while for anyone who has ever thought about it.
I dont really know what I would tell anyone, and I wont be leaving any hard drives. I guess to the people who feel cheated... I am not sorry. I left you the address to this site so maybe you can understand how it feels, and what people go though and maybe you can understand what you did. The rent is covered, so dont get angry.

I didnt leave my personal stuff behind because I didnt want them to be relics, or reminders, and I didnt not trust anyone to have my life.

Sorry you will read this a week from now... but making your life easier is not my goal, and I didnt want to talk to you about things that I cant prove to you, and things you wont hear or see.

Inside the truck is everything you need to sort out money and things... I dont care who gets any of it.

good by

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