Well its been awhile since I have spoke to someone, but I figured since I don't keep a journal, I would make an effort trying to tell. I hope I revised it to make it worth reading. I have felt indescribably depressed since I was 16, (6 years ago), to the point where I began SI. I don't have anyone I can count on or trust. Everyone who has found out has stopped talking to me. Last night, I was watching a movie at home drinking with 2 "friends" and I had too much (BAC was 0.325, wish I hadn't woke up), penty to divulged everything before passing out. Before, I could pretend they cared, but like everyone else, they don't. I thought about it and realized that maybe I lack a conviction to my thoughts of suicide and emptiness, hopelessness, and people know that, and disregard how I feel because it doesn't seem sincere. I have been blown off and left alone to my heart and if I dont convict myself, this absolute suffering, which will not end, will be worthless, and meaningless. In order for someone to care, you must prove you mean it. To try is to loose everything material, and live further isolated from everyone. To do is absolute. I am no dummy. There are no second chances. The end is oblivion, which is beautiful. As you die, everything you ever wanted will come true, and everything you have ever accomplished wont matter. God cant possibly condemn everyone except followers of one religion,... that is depressing to think about. That means there is no GOD... and in the end, everyone dies alone, and the same. I have associated my pain of my heart to be greater then anything else, and through that, I have reduced the ability to feel physical pain, mainly cold. I can tolerate any level of cold, and frequently do (15 degrees in teeshirt and shorts). I figured that seems to be the best way to go. Having made the plans for Friday, my conviction is complete, my sincerity is proven... Death is the end of my world, and thus, I leave nobody behind.