hte only point on living further is getting even more hurt

Seriously, is there any other point to life?

The longer I live, the worse I get... the last couple of years have only showed me how useless and worthless I am for people, how little they can care, and how much they can hate me.

I know it's already too late for me to make things any better... I tried the best I could but I failed, and now it's simply too late... everyone who cares enough about that, already has a group of friends and best friend(s), there's no place for me on anyone's heart, so why keep trying any more? That only brought more pain during the last couple of years, and once again, seems to be no different.

Today I was thinking... I'm applying for college far away hoping to start from scratch and studying something that I love, but will a fresh start really help? I already tried that when I started at my current college, and things only got a lot worse... I'm the problem, not the people... I'm simply not likable, or lovable... I'm just usable... as soon as I'm not needed I'm ignored, that's how it's always been, and there doesn't seem to be a reason for that to be any different, ever.

The last 7 years of my life have been a living hell, and every time there was someone or something worth living for, it wasn't long before they turned into another reason why I didn't want to live any more, and by the looks of it, the trend keeps repeating itself.

It's hard to think how I managed to stay alive the last 7 years, and why I didn't kill myself that day around 6 years ago when the idea first came to my mind... the amount of pain I would've saved myself from is impossible to describe... but even then, I'm such a big failure I fail at that too... none of the attempts worked in the years after (they probably weren't the most elaborate ones, but I can't think of a very good way other than getting a gun, and I can't afford one ).

I don't know what's the point of this thread... I just wanna die already, it's the only way out... it's the only way I will no longer be vulnerable... it's the only way to stop the pain, to get away from the past, to stop being disappointed, to stop feeling.

 

There's a saying that "where ever you go you take yourself with you"
So new starts often end up exactly the same as the old way of life.

I think, and I may be well off the mark, that you need to go see a counsellor and be really honest with them.
It may be that you somehow set yourself up for a fall.
We all have times where we feel used or dumped......lately that seems to be my life :laugh: but I know I have done the same in the past, not meaning to, just life got in the way of being a good friend.

Speaking to someone who is impartial may help you to get to the root of whats happening and then you can change it, not change you, just change the way you interact with others.
Who knows who maybe round the next corner, I hope you meet someone really nice be it a friend or partner.

In the meantime do whats right for you on the college front, there is a real satisfaction in studying something you love.

 

Hi D...you have done so much considering the way you have been feeling that it sounds like you do not give yourself the credit and caring you deserve...also, there are so many ppl here who can relate to feeling unloveable and not having ppl there who care...please PM me anytime you need a reminder that you are valuable and worthy...it would be my pleasure to provide that...big hugs, J

 

I simply can't... I know most won't understand, but getting professional help, as long as I'm here, is simply not an option... it isn't safe, it will only bring me more trouble and pain.... I just know it, although I'm not sure how to explain why... it's just the way things are I guess.

And I think part of the problem is always being optimistic... a smile and an optimistic outlook have been part of me for the last 7 years, and perhaps I was too optimistic... hoping good things to happen only makes you get more hurt when they don't at all...

For the longest time I've thought that the root of the problem lies in what happened 6-7 years ago... when my world came crashing down to pieces... the first time I really needed someone by my side, and turned to see nobody there... and then it happened a couple more times, each worse than the time before... when I desperately needed a friend only to realize I had none, because I was just a tool, so if nobody needed me, nobody was there.

But now I'm no longer so sure... the last couple of times there hasn't been anything actually triggering this, although the many hurtful memories from the last years eventually creep up and make it worse... that's when I realize how useless is to keep going... I can't change the past, so those memories will never be any less hurtful than they are now... and I can't keep coping with them forever... I'm already tired of trying (and doing an awful work at it).

I am aware that I'm simply broken beyond repair...