hug attack

[Sa Palomera]

so, I don't post much, I know. And I don't expect many replies. In fact I don't even know why I'm posting this. Just feel like talking.

Anyway, I haven't been doing very well eversince 2004. In that year a lot happened. I'm really not in the mood to go into detail now, but it involves sex, death, cutting and being suicidal.
I guess that eversince that year I've been kinda depressed. I just never REALLY got help for it. But I'll have to go for help now. It's been going on for too long now and it's been going from bad to worse.
I've been under influence of either drugs or alcohol (or both) every evening the last week. Until Saturday. I got totally wasted on saturday. I don't even know anymore what exactly happened, but at one point I ran outside, just standing against the wall of our house, all crying, yelling at one of my housemates to fuck off and leave me alone. Until my best mate who also lives in the house came. She calmed me down a bit, but then I felt this HUGE rage inside of me. I myself can't exactly remember how it happened, but I smashed the window of our front door with my bare fist. Also I don't know what happened after that, except that I took a bath somewhere that night and then went to lay in bed around 2am on Sunday and that I didnt leave it until like 9pm on Monday. Didn't eat or drink at all, just left it for about 1 hour to take a bath.
I've talked with my mate about what happened and she told me that at one point when she had calmed me down outside we went to te front door and that we were ringing the bell, but that didnt work so we started knocking and suddenly I banged really hard on it, hitting my fist right through it. She said I seemed really aggressive as if I really wanted to smash the window. I scared the shit out of her. And now I'm thinking about it later on I also scared the shit out of myself. I knew I can be aggressive sometimes, but THIS aggressive?
Also I cut that night. while being drunk. which isn't smart.

So now I decided to stop drugs, alcohol AND cutting. these past 72hrs have been VERY hard though. I keep on craving for a drink, hashcookie/-joint or a knife. But I can't cos I made my housemates hide my knifes, I dont have any hash or weed around. and my housemates also hid all the booze. I know they're just doing it to help me, but still... I NEED IT!!!

Also they made me promise that tomorrow I'll call social work.. I'm not sure if I can stick to that promise though. Maybe it'd be best to stay in my room for another day. Today I left my room from like 9pm to like 1/2am and those 4 hours have been very hard for me. I kept feeling aggressive inside... And after smashing thatwindow... I'm just scared that I'd break more things, or even worse hurt the people around me. Or myself.
ANd when I'm just in bed without my knifes or lighters around I can't hurt anyone, not even myself..

You know what's maybe even the most scary... People can hide away from me, or I can take distance from people that're scared of me, but I'm scared of myself too and I can't flee from myself :cry:

and I fucking miss my mother at moments like these... if she coulda just hug me, maybe I wouldnt have to get drunk all the time then. but meh, all the "what if"s ain't getting me nowhere. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

all I can say is that my life sucks.. but i'm gonna work to make it better so that's a positive thing.

Meanwhile, when starting to be positive and to work on things, I wanna thank some people from here:

Vikki, me wifey. THank you so much for being there, all those hours on the phone and by text and on skype, being there when I fall asleep, waking me up when having nightmares, being there in my dirty mind when I'm in the whirlpool :P

Alex thank you for being who you are, even if we are not the way we were, I still love you so much and would do anything for you. I hope we can become closer again, I miss you :hug:

Robin thank you for being who you are, and I miss you. We haven't properly spoken for like ages and I hate that I keep on missing out on you on msn too HOpefully talk soon hun :hug:

Lauren, Joe, Bunny, Devastated, Fooo, Rob, Carolyn, Gentlelady, MiniHero, James, Kurt, TheDeafMusician, Jess, JohnADreams and everyone else thank you so much for the lovely conversations on Skype and MSN. It means a lot to me. And of course thanks for the yacking around in chat I love it.

Well, hopefully speak to y'all soon,

hugs :hug: and a big *donkey* for y'all :laugh: :wink:

xxx
Ester

 

[Sa Palomera]

oh and blub bedankt, ik weet dat we nog niet veel gepraat hebben ofzo, maar ik zou je graag vaker spreken Ook jij bedankt voor alles. En tot snel :wink:

 

[blub]

Ester ik vind dit echt heel knap van je. Ik weet zeker dat het je zal lukken. Natuurlijk zal het niet makkelijk zijn. Maar ik zou je graag meer met je willen praten en proberen je te helpen en te steunen.
Ben trots op je :hug:

 

[Marshmallow]

Ester theres really no need to thank me, i care about you so much and i hope i proved that our record breaking skype convo :tongue:

whirlpools and the thought of me :wink: what ever floats ya boat lol

attack* X a million more than you :tongue: only my ester can get hug attacks, tis our little thing and me will not use hug attacks on anyone apart from you :biggrin:

love you

viks

attack*

 

[gentlelady]

ishtar, we are all here for you anytime you need us. please don't hesitate to call on any of your friends during the good times, or the bad times.We share your pain and your joy. Take care hun. :hug:

 

[Sa Palomera]

thanks a lot guys, this means a lot to me :hug:

And Gentle, sorry for falling asleep in the middle of the convo with Robin and you :shy: :shy:

 

[Abacus21]

Oh Ish :hug: :hug:

You don't have to thank me hun - I love talking with ya - even if you do fall asleep very easily :tongue: :hug:

 

[gentlelady]

You don't need to apologize for sleeping. It gave me something to smile about. We will have to do it again sometime. Take care hun. :hug:

 

[Marshmallow]

Hey hun

Now i've got a bit of time thought i'd write a proper reply to your post.

I know how hard it been for you recently, and i wish i could be more help to you than i have been. And i know all the stuff that has happened in the past had has hurt you alot. And especially recently with the nightmares, i care about you soooo much thats why i stayed up with you, and convinced you to fall asleep if i stayed with you. Stayed awake and listened to you sleep and if you sounded like you was having a nightmare i would wake you, i did that because i care a hell of alot about you, more than you can ever know.

Hun i know you think about the past a lot and i know how much you miss your mum alot and the stuff what have with Sharon. I know how you feel about what happened nut remember what i keep telling you. But you've gotta put yourself first, and make sure your doing ok. Look after yourself. I hate seeing you like this, hurting like this. It breaks my heart that i can't take your pain away.

You know how much i care for you because i've told you. I love you to bits and you know i do. I'm even there in your dirty little mind :ohmy: :wink: lol

Love you

Viks

attack*