I have to let things out or I will go crazy... or perhaps I already am. I've gotten to the point where if I hold back from talking anymore I will lose what's left of my mental faculties so here goes. This isn't easy for me to do but if it were easy maybe I would have done it three months ago when I first came back. 6 months ago... I went to the barn and found Cash in a state I had never seen him before. He could not move, at first we thought he had had a too hard of a work out right after healing from a previous injury to his hip over the summer. He could not move his head up or down, left or right. He had a look of discomfort on his face but he is brave and tough and never showed any pain... until later on. I had vet after vet come t look at him but he kept getting worse. He was medications and pain relievers, he started refusing food because he knew meds were in it; In the mornings he would almost have lockjaw, he wouldn't be able to open his mouth at all. Days turned into weeks and nothing much changed, though his symptoms did get worse. The last few weeks of his life we began to massage his neck hoping it would help and it did some but by that time, he was showing severe neurological problems. He couldn't stand properly, would nearly fall going in and out of his stall. My best option that Sunday afternoon, Nov 29th, was to put him down it was not fair to let him suffer anymore. Though I am not happy with the decision nor can I come to terms with how it all happened in 3 months.. I know Ill have to eventually. The events that happened that Sunday afternoon are some I will never forget but if i forgot easily then it would mean i didn't care that much wouldn't it... and that just isn't the case. In the weeks following, i began to fall down a deep hole of pain.. i neglected my friends, wouldn't answer my phone texts, and didn't talk to many people.. i did return to work but there was a lot of tears and pain. I was quiet.. my silence was deafening to those around me. People at the barn tried to keep me close because they knew just how hard it was hitting me. Seeing an empty stall yet a wall full of pictures and memories of love and happiness would bring so much pain that I couldn't stay inside the barn. I would be found standing silently outside in his paddock, staring at the hole he dug himself while struggling to stand. Hot, silent tears running down my face. Cash was gone and no one could bring him back to me. Shortly after returning here I ended a friendship and sister-hood if u wish to call it that with someone i care about very much. Things were not going well for either of us and it was no longer a healthy relationship. Seeing her since, seems things are better and in the end that's all that matters. I have had a lot of money issues since I have lost cash, I don't know if i am trying to fill a void or just compulsively trying to get away from thinking about him but either way I have dug myself a hefty debt which is now a struggle to climb out of. its my own hole, i got myself into it, i know i have to get myself out... problem is i don't know how. money is also an issue for my family.. my grandpa is trying to refinance the mortgage to see if he can repay it all at once and his many bills from credit cards which is in the tens of thousands.. Seems like nothing has gone our way since Cash left it.. maybe its coincidence and not related at all.. but why now if its not related. I have not sung, made any videos (except 2 for cash).. my creative side might as well be dead within me. The light is gone from the world and my hope along with it. I don't talk in chat, barely talk on this site.. and hardly in real life at all. I don't let things out, and at this point crying doesn't count because it does not help to ease anything. Only creates more pain in which the self harm then comes into play... the cutting is becoming more and more frequent without any signs of being able to stop. At first I thought talking to someone would help.. having a friend but i'm not so sure now. I don't want to hurt anyone again and that is what will happen if i get too close to anyone again. better off alone, not that i want it that way but its better for everyone else.