if i had a hold of my pills right now i'd be popping them like crazy. not a suicide attempt, just something to cause pain etc. i've been doing that recently and it's supposed to be bad for the stomach lining but with my stepdad i don't know how anyone can not resort to that or worse. he was threatening to hit my brother tonight. he is wholly irrational and he hasn't gone to an AA meeting in months. he'll say he's going and then go somewhere else. "i don't care if i don't make sense. i'm the head of the houshold." -direct quote he said to my mom just now. i've never been triggered more in my life. he prompted my sort-of suicide attempt (i won't say the method but i stopped some way through). he has a horrible temper. he uses all my mom's money. he spends thousands of dollars on (illegal) cigars. i want to curl up in a corner and cry and do something anything to do damage to myself. whenever i try to respect this man he goes and acts like this. i don't like him. i can't keep pretending to like him. he uses my brother and me as scapegoats for *everything* whenever he's fighting with my mom and she's pointed it out. apparently, what he says goes because he's the adult male. he acts like he's rabid. whenever i resolve not to kill myself because God gives me hope this man throws another abusive tantrum.