Humans Don't Know How To Love

chipper

Well-Known Member
#1
the closest is a parent to a child... but "romantic love" does not exist.

Everyone has an innate need to feel important. That’s a universal truth. That is up there in the ranks of ‘we all need to eat’ and ‘we all need to sleep’. That is non-debatable and anyone who will say otherwise is absolutely stup!d.

That is why people “fall in love” with others. When someone makes them feel important and needed, they instinctively get attracted because their need is being met. They get the attention that they want, the knowing that there is someone else that gives a f$%k that they are alive, that in the billions and billions of people in this world, there is someone that would like to spend time with them over everyone else.

No one falls in love with someone that makes them feel like a worthless piece of sh!t, right? “Love” always begins with a smile that melts hearts or a hello what was just a little softer than other hellos or glance that lasted a second too long. It is always when someone makes you feel special.

Then you stay. You stay because you need a witness to your life as it is beautifully articulated in Shall We Dance. You need someone there to make you feel things you do don’t go unnoticed.

I don’t know if it is romantic but I do know it’s still about the self and not the other person.

It is vanity… not love.
 

TooShyToScream

Well-Known Member
#2
I have said this before myself on numerous occasions. I completely agree with you. For a while I thought that maybe some people are capable of unconditional love (this is the only "real love" there is...like you say, between parent and child can be unconditional, but not romantic), but I soon realized that no human love other than parent and child is unconditional. Again, like you said, we don't love people who treat us like shit. So all it is, is selfishness and bullshit. That's all relationships really are on many levels.
 
#3
I dont agree.
I certainly dont have a need to feel "important"
I do how ever want to be loved, thats different.
Of course there is unconditional love, i know this as a father AND as a husband at one point in my life.
I have also loved unconditionally another.
For me, only when we love ourselves first can we be whole enough to give a part of that love away.
I have fallen in love, not to be needed or feel important, i have fallen in love through desire, compatibility and an ache deep within when that person is not around me.
I have seen elderly people together after 60 years of marriage still holding hands and smiling closely, this is unconditional love.
I have been hurt badly, its easy when this happens to believe that love is needless and false.
Rubbish, its the best thing in the world and its also the most powerful medicine that exists. Doesnt matter if it is platonic or not, no point in fighting it, otherwise self inflicted wounds will occur.
We all have to be content in our own company, when we are, we are ready to give unconditional love to another.........if we choose.
My view anyway.
 

TooShyToScream

Well-Known Member
#4
I dont agree.
I certainly dont have a need to feel "important"
I do how ever want to be loved, thats different.
Of course there is unconditional love, i know this as a father AND as a husband at one point in my life.
I have also loved unconditionally another.
For me, only when we love ourselves first can we be whole enough to give a part of that love away.
I have fallen in love, not to be needed or feel important, i have fallen in love through desire, compatibility and an ache deep within when that person is not around me.
I have seen elderly people together after 60 years of marriage still holding hands and smiling closely, this is unconditional love.
I have been hurt badly, its easy when this happens to believe that love is needless and false.
Rubbish, its the best thing in the world and its also the most powerful medicine that exists. Doesnt matter if it is platonic or not, no point in fighting it, otherwise self inflicted wounds will occur.
We all have to be content in our own company, when we are, we are ready to give unconditional love to another.........if we choose.
My view anyway.
As a father, you may love your kid/s unconditionally...but you can never have a romantic partner whom you love unconditionally. It's just not possible for humans to do that. Think of what the word unconditionally means. Would you love them if they mentally or physically hurt you? Would you love them if they absolutely despised you? Would you love them if they attempted to dismember you in your sleep, and succeeded? All of those things are conditions, and if the answer to any condition is no, then you don't love someone unconditionally. Also you said you were a husband at one point, you couldn't possibly have loved her unconditionally if you are not together with her now.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#5
disagree you with you in the face of the evidence i've seen

my father-in-law was only married once and loved his wife without condition (both deceased now)

about 10 years after they were married, she was diagnosed with MS and ended up in a wheel chair

about 15 years after that she began showing signs of alzheimer's

he never considered leaving her or putting her into a home - stayed with her, cared for her, loved her until the day he died

he never strayed, never wavered even in the face of his own illness (heart disease)

spent his time with her and i mean WITH her, did not just roll her into a corner and ignore her - cooking for HER, talking to HER, loving HER
 

TooShyToScream

Well-Known Member
#6
That's not proof of loving unconditionally. The closest thing to proof of this would be someone doing something awful to you and you still stick around. However, that's still not fully proving anything because all possible conditions cannot be accounted for.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#7
you seem to have already reached your conclusion and appear unwillingly to seek or accept evidence that may contradict it

if that is the case then i'm afraid that nothing will provide the proof you claim you seek
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
#9
Technically, we cannot "prove" a "negative," and "un"conditional is a negative - the absence of conditions. So no one can really prove that unconditional love exists. Besides, it's intangible, too. :)

Maybe we can only strive for the ideal of unconditional love.

I really think we can only "negotiate" for a balance that "satisfies" the partners in a love relationship. I agree that love really begins with loving oneself. When we have found a way to love, balance and satisfy ourselves/our lives, we can selflessly give to another.

But life is not a constant state of balance - things shift - and so relationships with oneself (and with anyone else) also shift, so we must adjust and rebalance.

People who love one another for who the other person is perhaps come as close to "unconditional love" as a human being can.

The comfort of being accepted for our good points, challenged for our bad points, but overall loved and living in a balance of give and take...What more could we offer or give?
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
#11
Truly unconditional love?...maybe for my parents when I was a kid. Actually, definitely for family. I love them in spite of myself ;) (and them - lol).

That close to unconditional love - the balancing, etc. - yes, in the past, but it didn't balance out in the end, so I'm still working on it and hoping for it. :)
 
#14
So unconditional love does exist, there is no reasoning behind it, it just is.
Deep down, every single human being knows this.
I think I'm putting myself out on a limb here, writing this on this forum and all, but i just have to say one thing, if it even matters, but i agree with "humans don't know how to love" because i never met my real father, he abanded me when i was born, that's why i moved to maine a week after i got out of the ICU, and then when i was 7, my bio mom married my now current step father, Paul. Paul and my own mother has no idea how to love because Paul has stolen my mom since they got married, so i lost my mom, and he tries to be my "dad". I still think that i just put myself out on a limb with saying all of that...but i said it......
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
#16
Heya, CT, going out on a limb around here is fine. I can understand why you would feel that unconditional love doesn't exist. I'm sorry your mom seems to have been stolen from you. That would hurt a lot. Have you ever talked to her about it? Just an idea.

On positive note, you might not find totally "unconditional love" here at SF, but you will find lots of support. :)

@me, myself and i
Embrace. But really, I don't love "everything" about my family and I'm sure they don't love "everything" about me. But the love exists "in spite of" things, so I'd call that unconditional.
 
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#17
Romantic love is a physical response to a chemical reaction.
It is when the internal organs of the body are re-organised so the brain can deal with pumping blood up to the head where the heart is busy pumping love out into the body.

Romantic love saves us from visits to the gym.

It is that extra slice of pizza before,during and after drunken sex.

It is social magic.


It is that fart under the covers which becomes ignited with passion.
 
#18
Technically, we cannot "prove" a "negative," and "un"conditional is a negative - the absence of conditions. So no one can really prove that unconditional love exists. Besides, it's intangible, too. :)

Maybe we can only strive for the ideal of unconditional love.

I really think we can only "negotiate" for a balance that "satisfies" the partners in a love relationship. I agree that love really begins with loving oneself. When we have found a way to love, balance and satisfy ourselves/our lives, we can selflessly give to another.

But life is not a constant state of balance - things shift - and so relationships with oneself (and with anyone else) also shift, so we must adjust and rebalance.

People who love one another for who the other person is perhaps come as close to "unconditional love" as a human being can.

The comfort of being accepted for our good points, challenged for our bad points, but overall loved and living in a balance of give and take...What more could we offer or give?
I agree with you that it can't be proven to exist if it could exist, but that doesn't matter anyway because it can't. Humans are not capable of it. And I disagree that we are able to do anything "selflessly". Every action that we commit, even famous philosophers (such as aristotle) have stated, is to make ourselves happy. Which means that if making someone else happy makes us happy, we're still doing it for ourselves in the end, and it's still selfish.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
#19
@TooShyToScream
I guess I'm an idealist. Perhaps if the whole world shared my perspective (delusions?? lol), we would have lots of selfless people who would love and feel loved unconditionally. :dunno:
 

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