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Humiliated myself in class to the extreme..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by CrystalCatacombs, Apr 6, 2009.

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  1. Urghhhhhhhh...
    I feel soooo freaking terrible. I've never wanted to hurt myself so badly, to disappear. T_T
    I wish I could change schools.. but I can't.. and I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this.. but when I tell my like- .. inner most secret randomly to a group of strangers, it Kills me.

    So in class.. we are starting the section on what makes up individual identity.
    He asked us to write down somethings for ourselves in our notebook.

    So I was just doodling.. and I wrote
    -Nearly 10 years in isolation
    -My (lack of) friends
    -Family relationships (for good or bad)
    -Harry Potter & my other fandoms
    -My batman will.. not to cross my line.. and do things that I'll want to take back

    Lol.. I find the last one on the list ironic particularly now.

    So yeah.. he's asking ppl about whats on their list.. and people are like- Sports, family & friends, hobbies, school, ...
    Normal stuff right?

    So yeah.. then he's like- glaring at me and the other kid in the back who don't talk.

    So I mention, "Isolation."

    And he's like- "Elaborate."

    And by now.. I knew I was Fcked. & me being my stupid and pathetic self I didn't think of a lie soon enough.. because usually I never lie.. I'm known for being terribly blunt actually because usually I just.. don't care.

    So then I tried this half-assed lie.. and I'm like- "You know... uhm.. reflection." ..

    And since I knew no one would get that.. I stupidly went on to say..

    "like 10 years in isolation with no social life."

    BAM. I dropped that hideous truth among a classroom full of people that I don't care about.

    -enter the silence-

    But to say that (I don't care) would not be truth. I Thought I didn't care about what They thought. Apparently, I Do or I wouldn't be typing this...

    It's just awful.. This isn't highschool.. this is fcking college.. and I'm still where I was at.

    I know it shouldn't matter. After all.. I commute. I simply show up to class.. and get the hell out of there as soon as possible. But it's just Awful..

    If only I kept my mouth shut like I intended to..

    (HA.. even Worse... Afterwards... I try to think of my imaginary friend to comfort myself... (Yes... I'm 20 and have those because it cures boredom as well as despair... kind of.) How Pathetic. And we all know how good something Imaginary... can comfort us. Blah. So I came here.. because it Is quite literally that I have no friends; and at this point.. I'm past bothering.)

    I don't know how I'm going to manage going to my next class...

    Bleh.. Why couldn't I say, "You know, reflection... like those moments of self reflection in which you think you've glimpsed some unniversal truth." -facepalm-

    Has anyone else had some hideously traumatizing humiliating experience? And if so, how did you get over it?
  2. Ehh... okay, I'm over it.
    I'm thinking.. the best way to deal with this is to completely erase it from my memory and pretend it didn't happen.
    +... I learned the best lesson. In class, .. in any social situation for that matter..
    Lie... Lie... Lieeee.
    Good thing to.
    I was worried.. because we have this "This I Believe" essay due at the end of the year. But we have to read it to the class. He said we weren't being graded on our opinions but on our grammar. However, I've been fretting about the essay because I've realized that most of my opinions about life are rather negative and any positive opinion I have I also believe the opposite. I'm always a walking contradition. So.. instead of saying my true opinions in the essay.. I'll make some up.
    Problem solved.

    Lol.. Now I have to work on erasing my memory...
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I think that what you did was pretty brave, and clearly, there is a part of you that really needed to get this out in the open, so that's a good thing.

    People in college are not NEARLY as judgemental as in high school, and you may have actually helped someone who is going through something similar.

    If I were you, I would keep the ball rolling. I mean, you already said something so honest to a room full of starngers and what's done is done, so maybe you should just keep going with it and see where it leads. Just a thought. I mean, once this class is over, it's done and you may not get the chance again.
  4. Hey, thanks for your reply Esmeralda. It was helpful in giving me some insight. (+ it was a bit epic having the 1st person to comment me, having a batman sig hah)

    But yeah.. I know I should aim for some truth in the essay. However I'm thinking it would be best to try my hardest to lie because I don't want to come off as crazy. People don't want to know the truth. People want to think that all is well in the world. -but like you said, what was done is done. +... if I do give my honest opinion, it's not as if I'll have to hang out with these people forever.

    As for people not being nearly as judgemental.. I sure hope so. I don't have my hopes up though. After all, could two years out of high school possibly change a judgemental person? There are people in their 40s who are still acting as if they're in highschool.

    Anyways, I figure it's not the end of the world.. It never is.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Awesome, a fellow Batman fan :)

    I don't think you have to totally lie in your essay. Maybe the WHOLE truth would be a bit much, but you might be able to keep some of your true feelings in there as well.

    And yes, people in college in my experience are SOOOO much less judgemental. People really tend to find themselves in college, some question their political belifs, their sexuality, racial stereotypes, etc. I know I came out of college with a whole new outlook on so many things I thought I would never change my mind about. If I were you, I would try to use college in general to break out of your isolation a bit and try joining some clubs that spark your interest or something. Things that would have SHOCKED me about some people in high school didn't even make me blink by thye time I graduated college, so try not to feel too bad and relax a little :)
  6. Okay
    Yeah, I think the whole truth would be A Lot but I can at least include some little truths so that I feel like I'm not betraying myself.
    As for the breaking out of isolation.. joining some clubs sounds good (if they exist.. I don't even know the school that well).
    Things will probably stay the same, and I'll continue in isolation. It's hard to change the norm. However, I am trying to take little steps outside of school anyway. Because whenever I think school, I associate it with something horrible.

    Yeah.. relaxing a bit would probably be a good idea.

    But yeah.. thanks. I really appreciate the time u took to reply. ^^
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I don't think your honesty was out of line. You gave the professor what he asked for. Take small steps and wade in to things from here on out. College is most certainly different than high school. :hug:
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