humiliating !!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Aug 31, 2011.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi I do not know where to put this so it really is seen. So I thought It would be okay to put here. I hope it is. Sorry it is so long.

    Sometimes I call in to a teleconference interview series. People can either log on through skype or call in on a conference line. Many of the people calling in are quiet advanced in life and very together. The person being interviewed today is a neurosurgeon who also taught at Harvard before he became a leading expert in alternative health care.

    I listened to him talk for more than an hour. Becoming more and more impressed with his brilliant knowledge of treatments. Then half way through the half hour of Q&A part of the call, it occurred to me that I should try to ask him about a physical condition I have that stems from extreme anxiety. I knew that the replay, which is listened to by thousands of people, did not have the Q&A part of the teleconference. So I pushed the button on the phone to let the host / interviewer know I wanted to ask a question.

    Sure enough I was chosen to ask the final question. I was not surprised though. I sort of knew it was meant to be. The interviewer called on "the person from..." Then she named my town. ( thought that was okay because she did not say a name). But all of a sudden intense anxiety took over. My voice shook and I sort of was in chaos internally. I asked the question while shaking a lot. He asked me a couple of applicable questions. I answered in a concise way. But my voice shook. A lot. The host of the show interrupted and asked my for my first name. Then she kept saying to me: do you have happiness in your life? Do you have joy? This had nothing to do with my question. And it was a retorical question which served no good purpose. She was picking up from my voice what is true. And there was no constructive reason for her asking. I was so humiliated by my voice. But I knew i was lucky. Because he did tell me something that can maybe finally help after years of suffering from this physical condition. AND I knew that the question would not be heard on the replay which is listened to by thousands of people. ( its a very popular series )

    When the replay arrived by email I played it to the end and to my horror, my voice was on there. The replay included the Q&A also. And many people i know listen to it. People who I try to hide my condition from. But my first name, home town and oddly shaky voice are on there. for everyone to hear. I try so hard to hide the depth of my disabilities. I have learned over the years to hide most of it. But there it was. For thousands of people to hear. No, what I had said was not humiliating. But my voice shook a lot.

    Mental illness just sometimes cannot be hidden. No matter how hard I try. So, I stay home and hide, and somehow managed to humilate and reveal myself to thousands of people. Some of whom I know locally :( And in another state where many people I know listen to this show. Oh the humilation of it. I just wanted to hide. I am so ashamed of this condition which is extreme. If you managed to read this long story, thank you for hanging in there. You are a trooper :rose:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Flowers do not be humiliated hun lots of people get nervous when being interviewed or being asked a question Think of it this way hun YOU may have helped someone else by asking such a question The program kept your question in because it was important My voice goes so fast and i stutter hun when i am listen to
    It took great courage to do what you did hun and people will see that and be admired you your strength
    Please do not be humiliated hun okay you did good
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you V. :hugtackles::hug: :arms: my eyes are leaking reading your kind response. I am so different. I try to hide it. But I cant. I am broken. And when I speak, they know it. Partially because this community of people are unusually intuitive. thank you again,V :pinkrose:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2011
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know it is hard hun i feel broken too different but just know hun it does not matter what others think of you okay You are not broken hun not different you are just one of a few that have such a compassionate caring soul You take too much on you hold to much in and it wares you thin hun I wish the world had more people like you hugs
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers -

    :console: Please do not feel humiliated. I understand where you are coming from and why you might feel this way. But I often wonder why we hide who we really are? I know many of us do this and I so wish I didn't care so much about what others thought of me. But, sometimes i'll say to hell with it! And for you in this situation, I'd say the same.

    hold your head high in reflection of the wonderful person that you are.

    And - at the end of the day - you received some information that may help you, isn't that worth it? And even though you think all these folks will listen, perhaps they won't and perhaps some stations won't carry the Q&A.

    I'm truly sorry it was such a tough day for you.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you were left feeling that way, but is there something that can be gained from this? Maybe (and please know I too have a rare physical condition which is degenerative and limits of it I rarely share) it is that even with a shaking voice, you cared enough about yourself to ask the question and get information you did not have...that is rather brave...and maybe, if you knew it would be heard as it might, you never would have asked the question, thus leaving you without the information...I think instead of being humiliated, you should feel proud..even with one person in the room, many many people would not have asked the question...the bottom line, to question is to take risks...with much understanding and fondness, J
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2011
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi flowers! :hug: I just got around to reading this; I am sorry to hear that your experience with asking the question didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
    With caring and support....Mr. A
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey flowers...I think you did a wonderful thing..for yourself and for others who need an answer as well..
    I understand you feel humiliation and I hope that passes and you too are proud of what you've done..
    i'm proud of you!
    :hugtackles: :console:
  9. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Wow I think that's exactly what would have happened to me,only I'm too much of a coward to have made that call in the first place.I used to work in office refurbishment and had to travel into London everyday.On this particular morning I came out of the underground and was faced with a young lady who asked if I could answer a couple of quick questions. Half asleep I said "sure" thinking survey WRONG!!! She then produced a microphone with the name of a huge uk radio station on it,I think the sweat took about 0.005th of a second to form on my forehead. I stammered my way through the questions that I barely heard because my head and heart were racing,my voice was wobbling and I think they must have thought I was about to cry or something.That was probably ten years ago and I still think of it and feel myself going red just remembering it. You are not alone 
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you for all the caring and supportive responses. I feel blessed that you spent the time to write them. Thank you :heart:

    Mo, Thank you. :hug: Yes, I did receive information that I hope will help me. .So in that respect, I am wholly grateful. I think the angels arranged for me to be called on to get the info I so needed. ( But I tend to thank those angels for a lot !!! )

    Thanks Sadeyes,. :hug: Well, I guess you are right. I did take that risk !! If my voice were shaking because of something physical I do not think I would feel humiliated. But people so judge emotional / mental stuff. Its judged as a weakness. Eventually I became so battered by the judgement that I just hid.

    As always, Thank you Alex :hug: Perhaps when I get the suppliment he told me to take, and find good results, my greatest expectations for speaking up will have been realized. Then I can look back on the shame and know it was worth it.

    Thanks IV, for being proud of me :hug: I was not proud of showing my broken defective self. But I will be proud of speaking up if the results prove to be beneficial. My cousin, who usually doesnt have much to to do with me, sent me an email last night. I didnt understand why until I remembered I once gave her the link to this ongoing teleconference series

    Mark, I am sorry that happened to you :( :hug: And you described it perfectly. The heart and head racing. Voice wobbling.

    And thank you, First responder, V :hug: Yes, i do take too much in. You do know me. God forbid the world had more people like me. It would not function, lol. But I do thank you for the vote of confidence.

    Okay, I just mustered all my courage and listened to the part of the call playback that involved me. It was not nearly as bad as I thought. My voice didnt sound as shaking as I thought. And the anxiety mind racing didnt sound as bad as It felt. Yes, it was a bit humiliating that the host picked up on sadness. But I did not sound as ill as I thought. I am grateful because the Dr. also told me to do something else twice a day for the emotional pain. Something that should help with that as well. If I had not listened to the replay I wouldnt have been aware of that instruction.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So, so glad you re-listened. :hug:
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks Mo. I would not have had the courage to listen to it again if it were not for the support of you all here. I knew that I was not alone. Thank you, and everyone :hug: here is the new smiley thing I like :hippy: I think I like her style
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you were able to listen to it and to see that you did much better than you feared...and found more information wonderful!
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :hippy: :hiya: :hugtackles:
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you Sadeyes and IV :hugtackles: And yes, IV, my recent fav smiley: :hippy:
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