Hurt in everyway with every relationship that I trust no one

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Jun 24, 2007.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have become very complacent and I'm coming into a very peaceful acceptance about my impending suicide.

    I have the note all written. I have the method. I'm just waiting until people around me are no longer suspicious, when people have forgotten about me and have fallen into their routines. And it won't be where people can find me or can track me.

    And I've read all the books, heard all the lines about why one should not commit suicide and all the lines people say about family, my future, it being permanent solution to a temporary problem, etc. etc. etc.. i'm desensitized to it.

    There is not much to explain, and those who are close enough to be affected by my suicide at all already know my life was filled with hurt and a deep awareness of not belonging. From an early age I never fit. Through all my years, my “hurt” substantially outweighed the supposed “good” of me staying. Despite my best efforts to change that balance between “hurt” and “good”, I could never turn it around, never came close to even equalizing it.

    I couldn’t really pinpoint for you a precise moment when I realized I didn’t belong in this world because it wasn’t one moment, but a collection of things done to me and things I did or didn’t do. I felt this collection of things spoke volumes to the fact that my presence in the world was never appropriate and, too, that I was a poison in the world, a filthy cancer eating away at the health of whoever came into contact with me. I opted to not list any examples, because I was too tired to write them. But that was a large reason in itself: I was just too tired to stay alive; that and I was too lost in the world to see the point of trying to find my way any longer.

    In the past three or so years, I was actually gaining some footing, coming up from the deepest hole of despair you can imagine, trusting a professional psychotherapist to hold onto a rope she had lowered down – metaphorically speaking. It has always been hard for me to trust anyone with all the pain in my life and all the times I've have been burned by opening myself up. So I opened myself up to her, made myself more vulnerable than in many years.

    But in the end, she let that rope go and abandoned me without any warning even though she knew abandonment was the most difficult thing for me, somehow convincing herself it was the best decision she could make of my behalf. And she did so without tying that rope onto anything, without making sure I was secure before she fled the scene. And so I tumbled back into the hole and this last drop killed me. In the end, it was not really surprising she abandoned me. Her behavior followed a pattern I had grown accustomed to. Her behavior epitomized why the world was always an unsafe and lonely place for me. Once, I described for her a vision of myself as a two-year-old, sitting in the center of an empty kiddy pool, dressed only in my bathing trunks, watching storm clouds move over and feeling the cold move in. I shivered violently and my small teeth clattered; in the end, I had been forgotten and no one came to get me. When my therapist abandoned me, she was just behaving like everyone I encountered. But another part of my defectiveness was my neediness. I needed too much. That’s just another reason why my presence in the world was never appropriate. I was a parasite with insatiable neediness, leeching off others, slowly destroying them.

    I've finally come to the peace that it is time to go.
  2. That's almost exactly how I'm feeling right now. I think I'll be gone soon too, within the week, and I'm afraid I don't really have any words of encouragement for you.

    But keep in mind, therapists... well... therapy is their job. Reading your post tells me that she's far from the only one who has abandoned you, but know that friendships and romances have the potential to be more special than any relationship with one's therapist could ever be.

    I've been in a hole long enough to realize that this kind of thing might not be a temporary problem. But maybe, maybe there is someone out there who won't abandon you, ever, and you just haven't met him/her yet.
  3. themuffinman

    themuffinman Member

    Honestly... I think you should stay alive and be a writer... write about your life. You have got to be the best writer I have ever come upon in the years I have read.

    I can tell that you are intelligent. Very intelligent. Use that to your advantage. Find your strong points and use them to make steps out of the hole you were left in.

    You might be in a giant hole, but remember this... Its a hole- there is still a way out. You just have to work for it.
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have been too damaged to recover this time. it will take a miracle now to turn my mind around...and miracles don't happen.

    i've been trying to turn things around for at least two decades and i can't do it anymore.

    barring that "miracle". :dry: ...suicide is the only option left
  5. hey, i know how you feel, exactly. too exactly and it scares me because today i came so close and chickened out. if it really doesnt get better i need to just suck it up and do it because it sounds like you lived through it for too long. in my experience people always leave. and people never care as much as they pretend to. do u think thats true?
  6. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i cannot speak for other people in the world, dancingtoforget.

    i just know in my personal experience, people in my life have been false or seem false. but i basically chalk it up to my presense in the world being inappropriate and that i'm a parasite in the world, with my neediness sucking the life out of everyone who comes into contact with me.

    none of my therapists/doctors seem to take my suicidal risk seriously either...which is about the only thing that makes me laugh these days. they might not take it seriously because they might think "If i was going to do it, I would just do it."

    But I like things to be "just so", I like to be prepared and certain, because I want everything to go as smoothly as it can, reducing the risk of failure. also i want to try to make it easier for people, so i want to get all the things in order before hand, financially and otherwise.

    while i get prepared, I'm still waiting for a "miracle" to come to show me that dying is not the only choice i have left. but i'm hoping to be gone before my next birthday in september.
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    i know exactly how you feel cause i am feeling the same way.

    it seems that not one dang person gives a heck about me. the ones i thought i could depend upon just move away with no contact to me . they knew dang well that i thought of them as my own parents yet with their coldness heartless selfiness of only themselves they never thought about me.

    i can almost guarentee you that they never thought of me or about me not once if they did they would have at least called. they were a make believe love to me.

    i like you have everything i need to complete my task of taking my life. it is in my purse as we speak and so why have i not done it yet?? well i like you have things that need taken care of first.

    i do not know about you but i have less then 2 weeks left and yes they probably are sitting there thinking well , if she was going to do it she would have done got it over with or that they may be thinking well she just wants attention.

    well you know what? i say let them think that way. Think all you want to but when it happens and when you see me in that casket i want you to know that you were wrong and that i was really wanting to end this dumb pain that can not be ended and that i wanted nothing more then to die.

    i miss my mom and i am going to be with her in the afterlife. i miss my loved ones. those that loved me just a little were taken from me. i can not bring them back but i can go to them.

    so let them think that way about me but for me personally and this is IMO i will die in 2 weeks and no one will be able to stop me. not now , not ever. not evenj the minister who meant the world to me or his wife will i let interfer to stop me. they may try but i can shut them out as i do everyone else cause my heart is closed permantly and will stay closed
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    What you described is what I feel every day. Due to my sickly childhood, disturbed teenage years, and aimless adulthood, I feel empty, too. I feel like either I'll hurt someone or hurt myself. Maybe both.

    A therapist is a businessperson first and a helping confidante last. They go where the money is. I've attended support groups instead of therapy, even though people say they should not be used as a substitute for therapy. I've gotten more out of group meetings than sessions with a counselor.
  9. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    See....i don't WANT to die, but it is the only choice left. I keep calling for help but no one hears it...they ignore it...they dismiss it....they just completely turn their back on what I'm really saying....what I really need. while I prepare to die, I still call for help...but eventually I will stop calling for help because i'll know no one is really going to help. and i cannot pull myself up anymore. i've tried for over two decades. i cannot try anymore.
  10. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    the torture and agony i'm in just continues to escalate. i cannot do this many more days. i cannot eat. i called in sick to work the past 2 days.

    i don't think i'm going to be able to wait much longer...i don't think i will last more than a week.
  11. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    That was...moving in a way I can't describe adequetly. I can relate to the lonliness depicted in the image it evokes in my mind. But, I was never a "needy" person. As a child I was socialable(sp?), but my vitality seemed to be zapped away as time went by. In the end, I just didn't really care.

    I've been told I'm charismatic and have a good sense of humor, and this brings people towards me. I'm the one that pushes them away, though. There's an underlying resentment I have towards most people but I can't determine why that is. That and I guess I'm probably highly depressed and just don't feel like socializing.

    I feel like I can't relate to anybody because of what I described above. The sense of Lonliness is increased when you feel like you don't belong, you know? Like no one can touch you.

    You seem quite intelligent. I'm not sure why exactly I was struck with that impression. Maybe it's the detail and reflectiveness of your post. Anyway, most often it's the intelligent people that are depressed because they see the world for what it truly is.

    I'm sorry you have to feel this way. I'll possibly write more later, I have to go to work unfortunately. Take care.
  12. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    yes...everything is pretty hopeless.

    everything is pretty much set for my suicide. i have the letter handwritten, signed (not yet dated), and i have been practicing my technique.

    i can't stand the agony and torture of this life anymore. i will wait until i have a couple days off, because if i just don't show up for work that might be suspicious and i might be stopped. so i'll wait a few more days.
  13. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i don't think i can last two more days.
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